Too many novels is no good for one's mind

I'll go mad before I finally die.
I am slowly going mad.
I am a caged animal, with no room to breathe and am forced to perform silly tricks for an uneducated animal handler.
I'm going mad.
Tomorrow I should be at a place that I have not forgotten, but I'm sure has forgotten me, as with whom the plan had been made. 
Instead, I am far away, severed from my freedom, my joy
and forced to walk on my hands for indifferent applause. 
I am mad. 
The clocks chime, and I do not notice, as in my head,
there is no time, only panic, 
hatred, remorse, longing, sadness 
and the idea that I am already on Sugarcandy mountain, 
but the food is spoiled and though there is no work, there is nothing to do
but sit and go mad, 
dreaming of a time when I performed tricks and roamed free

CJ

Maybe this time I will learn

Every now and then, life teaches us lessons.
There are consequences that we knew would be ours, 
yet we turned a blind eye to them, 
pretending they didn't exist.
Then, they catch up to us, 
and we are left with holes in our hearts, 
pieces of our souls are gone; 
we become broken, unfixable.
That part that the consequence has taken from us shall never be made to work again.
And so we blame some dastardly deed that was not our fault for our downfalls,
our shortcomings and our emotional instability,
when really,
we knew what would happen, to a certain extent, and how broken we would be after.
We have dug our own graves, put the bullet to our heads, 
and yet claim we were pushed and the trigger pulled itself. 
We have lived lessons we brought upon ourselves, 
and some of us never learn from these.
We just pull the trigger again and again, 
to live in the moment because we are weak, 
like children, not facing the future, not knowing any better.

CJ

During the full moon, we cry into the night sky

There is something I have realized. 

And it breaks my heart.

The sacrifices I have made to get to where I am,

I finally understand the consequences of these actions. 

I will get over it, or bury it deep inside, never to let these feeling rise again.

I was able to bury all my feelings of that sort once, but I was broken

And now, not as much.

To be a wolf is to be alone and aware, to be a sheep is to be happy and ignorant.

I wish I could be a sheep, but alas, 

I am a wolf, through and through. To argue with one's nature is to accept unhappiness as a way of life, until it is anchored into the very soul. 

I am a wolf. I will not have all-consuming happiness. Ever. 

I chose a different path, and I must live it. 

I am a wolf and I accept this. I may not like it, but I accept it, and the consequences and heartache it brings, as well as the joy and the independence. 

The lonely nights, crying myself to sleep, begin surrounded by people, but none who share in my wariness, none who share in my pain. 

I am a wolf. 

CJ

Dark clouds with a silver lining

Nothing like being down 5 pounds in a week because all I do is vomit blood. 

No energy, can't see, but I dropped weight and managed to keep my job and got paid. 

It's a good day and in want to keep it this way, because if I hit my first goal weight tomorrow,

Then the sky is the limit, 

I am finally back on track,

I will have a body I don't loathe entirely

To make up for a psyche I cannot stand.

CJ

Secret Ingredient: Cyanide

I've been seriously considering eating a tape worm so it can eat all of my food. 
I am at the point of desperation where I feel the world slowly fading into nothingness,
and a very large pit of despair and hopelessness expanding within my body. 
I think about overdosing on my medication and dying.  Instead, I take 4 and float along, being half awake.
I think about tying a noose around my neck and hanging myself. Instead, I hold my breathe in the scalding shower and get light headed and feel surreal. 
I think about sharpening the long knife in the kitchen and plunging it into my stomach. Instead, I puke up my sadness and cut bits of my scalp, so nobody can see. 
I am fading and I want out of this life. 
I am not happy. I am not successful. I am not strong. I am not skinny. I am not pretty. I am not smart. 
I am worthless and need to remove myself. I am a parasite. I drain all the good in a person, discard that person and then drain another, while waiting for the former to recharge and then drain until they are emotionally dead.
I want to know if a heroin overdose can be felt. If it can't, I want to do it. End everything. 

CJ

it's the season

I want to die. 

Too much stress. 

Too much doing things not because I want to, but because they make survival easier. 

I don't want survival anymore. 

I want to be taken care of my someone who loves me and who I love and who makes me feel like I don't have to purge and cut anymore. But if I do, will hold me until I feel better. 

I don't know what to so with life anymore, so I would rather end it.

Happy fuxking holidays. 

CJ

Life in Ruin

It's hard to stay motivated when ones' counterpart has the determination of a sloth. 

But despite that, I find myself finding happiness in life here and there. 

Little things like reading have brought me joy and I find mysel wondering why I ever stopped renting books from the library. 

I was allowed to work out for the first time since my surgery. I lasted 15 minutes on the treadmill, which is pathetic, but at least it is something. 

I'm not sure what to make of life right now, but I believe it's moving in a good direction. 

It is hard to forget my past, however. I harness a large amount of regret that festers in me and I am scared it will destroy me. 

CJ