Too many novels is no good for one's mind

I'll go mad before I finally die.
I am slowly going mad.
I am a caged animal, with no room to breathe and am forced to perform silly tricks for an uneducated animal handler.
I'm going mad.
Tomorrow I should be at a place that I have not forgotten, but I'm sure has forgotten me, as with whom the plan had been made. 
Instead, I am far away, severed from my freedom, my joy
and forced to walk on my hands for indifferent applause. 
I am mad. 
The clocks chime, and I do not notice, as in my head,
there is no time, only panic, 
hatred, remorse, longing, sadness 
and the idea that I am already on Sugarcandy mountain, 
but the food is spoiled and though there is no work, there is nothing to do
but sit and go mad, 
dreaming of a time when I performed tricks and roamed free

CJ

Maybe this time I will learn

Every now and then, life teaches us lessons.
There are consequences that we knew would be ours, 
yet we turned a blind eye to them, 
pretending they didn't exist.
Then, they catch up to us, 
and we are left with holes in our hearts, 
pieces of our souls are gone; 
we become broken, unfixable.
That part that the consequence has taken from us shall never be made to work again.
And so we blame some dastardly deed that was not our fault for our downfalls,
our shortcomings and our emotional instability,
when really,
we knew what would happen, to a certain extent, and how broken we would be after.
We have dug our own graves, put the bullet to our heads, 
and yet claim we were pushed and the trigger pulled itself. 
We have lived lessons we brought upon ourselves, 
and some of us never learn from these.
We just pull the trigger again and again, 
to live in the moment because we are weak, 
like children, not facing the future, not knowing any better.

CJ

During the full moon, we cry into the night sky

There is something I have realized. 

And it breaks my heart.

The sacrifices I have made to get to where I am,

I finally understand the consequences of these actions. 

I will get over it, or bury it deep inside, never to let these feeling rise again.

I was able to bury all my feelings of that sort once, but I was broken

And now, not as much.

To be a wolf is to be alone and aware, to be a sheep is to be happy and ignorant.

I wish I could be a sheep, but alas, 

I am a wolf, through and through. To argue with one's nature is to accept unhappiness as a way of life, until it is anchored into the very soul. 

I am a wolf. I will not have all-consuming happiness. Ever. 

I chose a different path, and I must live it. 

I am a wolf and I accept this. I may not like it, but I accept it, and the consequences and heartache it brings, as well as the joy and the independence. 

The lonely nights, crying myself to sleep, begin surrounded by people, but none who share in my wariness, none who share in my pain. 

I am a wolf. 

CJ

Dark clouds with a silver lining

Nothing like being down 5 pounds in a week because all I do is vomit blood. 

No energy, can't see, but I dropped weight and managed to keep my job and got paid. 

It's a good day and in want to keep it this way, because if I hit my first goal weight tomorrow,

Then the sky is the limit, 

I am finally back on track,

I will have a body I don't loathe entirely

To make up for a psyche I cannot stand.

CJ

Secret Ingredient: Cyanide

I've been seriously considering eating a tape worm so it can eat all of my food. 
I am at the point of desperation where I feel the world slowly fading into nothingness,
and a very large pit of despair and hopelessness expanding within my body. 
I think about overdosing on my medication and dying.  Instead, I take 4 and float along, being half awake.
I think about tying a noose around my neck and hanging myself. Instead, I hold my breathe in the scalding shower and get light headed and feel surreal. 
I think about sharpening the long knife in the kitchen and plunging it into my stomach. Instead, I puke up my sadness and cut bits of my scalp, so nobody can see. 
I am fading and I want out of this life. 
I am not happy. I am not successful. I am not strong. I am not skinny. I am not pretty. I am not smart. 
I am worthless and need to remove myself. I am a parasite. I drain all the good in a person, discard that person and then drain another, while waiting for the former to recharge and then drain until they are emotionally dead.
I want to know if a heroin overdose can be felt. If it can't, I want to do it. End everything. 

CJ

it's the season

I want to die. 

Too much stress. 

Too much doing things not because I want to, but because they make survival easier. 

I don't want survival anymore. 

I want to be taken care of my someone who loves me and who I love and who makes me feel like I don't have to purge and cut anymore. But if I do, will hold me until I feel better. 

I don't know what to so with life anymore, so I would rather end it.

Happy fuxking holidays. 

CJ

Life in Ruin

It's hard to stay motivated when ones' counterpart has the determination of a sloth. 

But despite that, I find myself finding happiness in life here and there. 

Little things like reading have brought me joy and I find mysel wondering why I ever stopped renting books from the library. 

I was allowed to work out for the first time since my surgery. I lasted 15 minutes on the treadmill, which is pathetic, but at least it is something. 

I'm not sure what to make of life right now, but I believe it's moving in a good direction. 

It is hard to forget my past, however. I harness a large amount of regret that festers in me and I am scared it will destroy me. 

CJ

One Day At A Time

Sometimes, I wish the people around me would just grow up and be responsible and take control of their lives so that I can live mine without having to stress about them triggeri my anger/ hostilities. 

Philippe won't do his proserve so he can get a new job because "he will just say he has it and then get it once he is hired". So why isn't he out looking for a job today then? 

Dove can't budget to save her life, which is making my bills worse when it's time to pay things because she's always late. 

James has just really screwed his life up and putting so much stress on us all because he might go to juvie (but either way he is kicked out of school ...again... For knocking a kids teeth out and going him a broken nose. 

And with all of this going on that directly affects me, I am supposed to keep on being happy and smiling and focused and not relapse into any bad habits while the stress suffocates me? How very unrealistic. I can't work out because my heart still hurts from the incision, so I am useless and resorting to being a useless blob of nothingness.

Things will get better, they always get better...right?

CJ

Domo Origato Robococo

Officially a robot. 
Well, kind of.
The heart thing hurts really really bad. I don't know why I thought I would be able to work out today.
I'm retarded.
My weight sucks because of the stupid IV hydration. Want to  cry, but I won't because I will be able to work out soon. 
Positivity

CJ

Sunday not-so-funday

Just spent four hours cleaning the place before they get home. 

I'm exhausted and I have so much on my mind to the point where I just want to sit and cry and give up. 

I'm not going to, because I have worked so hard, but in the meantime I just feel utterly hopeless. 

Stupid calories making me insane

CJ

It's like drowning...

Sometimes I try to not breathe and see if I pass out
because it's better than puking and the only thing I can do to control things sometimes
I feel vile and worthless and guilty because I can't keep the emotion in anymore and it's seeping out
But I'm too stubborn to cry, so instead I puke and refuse to give in to the emotions
If I do, I will be lost again for an indefinite amount of time. 
And I would rather be drowning, but able to see the light as opposed to be being drowned in darkness. 
I have messed up my plans and I hate myself for it. 
I still hate my birth mother. 
And I hate my ex-best friend.
And I am not sure what to think about Marcus, except I get sad. 
I don't want to be lost in darkness, but I don't see any other choices coming up soon. 

CJ

No binge November

Tried on a dress I wore two years ago when I was at my lowest. 
Got into it.
But now I can't get out. haha (roommate is going to die laughing trying to help me)
Have a christmas party to go to in 24 days. I am determined to fit into this dress perfectly by then.
It will keep me motivated. 
had a chocolate, a handful of chocolate chips and 4 coffees today.
Going to make myself some tea, have a super tiny supper (my grandmother is in town) 
and then go tan and work out. 
I will lose an extreme amount of weight these next three weeks so when I am seen at the party,
I will be the pretty, tanned, tall, fit, skinny girl that my friend deserves to have by his side.
November will be a good month. 
It has to be. 

CJ

I am that girl

I am the bitch girlfriend.
I am the psycho friend.
I am the moody granddaughter.
I am the reason they all cry at night.

His best friend came over for a visit today. Best friend is permastoned. 
He knows I don't like it if I'm around when they get high but he stil did.
So I'm locked in our room, pissed out of my tree. I don't even want to talk to hum or be with him right now .
I want him to get rid of all his loser friends and get better ones. 
I want him to grow into a responsible adult I know he can be, because I need that from him.
But I'm petrified he won't.
So I will probably sabotage our relationship over the course of this year and beat him down until he either leaves or he succumbs to my wishes and becomes the person I want him to be. 

I'm so messed up.

CJ

popcorn and potatoes

I haven't been on this blog in a really long time, but I need somewhere to vent and this is the only safe place I can access currently.

I puke blood all the time and I randomly faint (the doctors have decided it is not due to my eating disorder and the two are not related in any way). Because of this, I am super restricted in what I eat in an attempt to balance my body so I may eat: mashed bananas, mashed potatoes, full fat probiotic yogurt, broth based homemade soups, and green tea.
I can accept this. However, I have my whole family yelling at me, telling me to gain weight and go to work while I am puking up blood and smashing my head on the floor every time I faint.  My aunt said I needed at least 15 more pounds (which is an insult because I am at LEAST 30 pounds underweight currently).
I was craving popcorn just a minute ago, and my boyfriend knows I can't have any. So what does he do? He makes himself a bag. That fills the kitchen and the living room with the smell. I ask him to eat it somewhere else (The den or whatever) and he goes into our room (which means when I go into the room, it will smell like popcorn).  
It is a dick move and now everyone in the apartment is eating popcorn and I am locked in the den, drinking my tea and trying not to cry and be furious at them all.
Just because food is a huge trigger for me, doesn't mean that they can't eat what they want, but at the same time, I would like a bit of sensitivity (i.e.: make ANYTHING than what I have just said I have a huge craving for).

I will not cut. I will not cut. I will not cry. I will not cut. I will not puke. I will not puke. I will not cry. I will not eat. I will not cut.

CJ

c'est quoi le point

Back from Vegas. Had a good trip. Didn't get as much pool time as I would have wanted, but my guy danced with me all night two nights in a row, so I can't complain.
Coming back to real life though, I realize I have put my problems away and they have resurfaced.
I feel as though I am drowning in sorrow and my thoughts are not pleasant and  feel as though I am back to square 1 in every aspect of my life: no motivation (academic, social, physical, mental) aside from motivation to kill myself.
That sounds depressing and pathetic, but oh well, that is my state of being right now. 
I am not sure how exactly to overcome this.
Things that I am lightly touching upon are these facts:
1) My bf and I are not meant to be together for an extended period of time
2) I am scared: of his moods, that he will think me dumb, hurt me intentionally/unintentionally
3) I do not wish to live, but if I die, it must be planned and the clean up/sorting through my possessions must be as painless as possible for the people that care about me
4)I will never be happy with who I am, physically nor mentally. 
I'm not sure what to do, so I am doing nothing. 
I have always felt that God has a plan for me, that he is trying with all his might to help me out through people, that I am meant to do something, but I think that is just a delirious thinking pattern.
God does not exist, 
Sooner or later, people will stop helping me 
I will be on my own
And without the push of others and the feeling that they believe in me
I become nothing
I do nothing
I am nothing

CJ

I should become a fit blonde apparently

Guy that I'm seeing right now (who I am in Vegas with right now) says 'ya, i'd like you if you were fitter'
gee. fucking thanks. I 'm working on it
and then later, we were looking at chicks walking around the strip and he proceeds to say 'I have a thing for blondes,'
I am the complete opposite from a blonde. the only thing white about me are my blue eyes and attitude,
THANKS GUY. 
that really helps my self esteem right now.
Hopefuly I can enjoy the rest of our Vegas trip without having to purge to feel better about myself
and the fact that my boyfriend prefers the type that definitely is not me. 
He doesn't know I have an ED and that I am extremely emotionally fragile, but even if he did, he would have said those things, because he's a really honest person and that is just how he is.
Sometimes I wish our society encouraged blatant honesty. 
but at times like this, I most certainly thankful it does not. 
CJ

Alone and it suits me fine

It's nice to have a blog nobody looks at anymore. 
I can write whatever I want to, without judgement.
It is interesting to see how much I have changed.
I won't say grow or evolved, because in some areas I have, and in other I have digressed. 
So I will say changed.
Vegas in 3 days, and all I want to do is die. 
I've gained a lot of weight. Told myself that I was recovering. what a lie. Now I can't even look at myself (not even my face, which I could tolerate beforehand) and many things seem to be going downhill.
I am fat. fat. fat. fat. I want to bury my knife deep in my stomach and let it all out.
But alas, I have commitments. 
hmm, maybe I have recovered in some aspect of my life. 
CJ

happy 21st

It is my 21st birthday.
I am fat
I am depressed
I am alone
There are only two things I want to do
And I can't do either of them
The one, because the person who I want here is not here
The second, due to the fact that same person is not here, but I promised I wouldn't do anything stupid
I already broke the one promise I said I wouldn't
So who really cares if I break the other one?
Nobody, because I am alone and he doesn't care anymore, because I made him not care.
I am sitting in my room crying on my birthday and Patrick is being so loud, I just want him and all his friends to shut the fuck up so I can sleep
I want to sleep forever.
I wish I could take back everything I said
But I know it would do no good
This was the right decision and I will have to live with it
Even if it kills me. 

I'm back

I am back. 
I don't know why I left. 
Self discovery. Self hatred. I'm not sure. 
I feel rattled, lost, confused and an emotional train wreck.
I am talking to my boyfriend about everything, I am not sure it is helping
I am taking my medication and I feel like it is just making me emotionally whacked out
I have no idea why I am writing again
I looked at thinspo and my heart almost leapt out of my chest with longing. I don't think that I have ever wanted something like that so much in that kind of way
I don't know what to think. If I hadn't taken my meds recently, maybe I would go puke. maybe I wouldn't. I think I am lost and I don't know where to turn to. 
Fuckaduck

Back to business

Ok, so this blog has gotten so off track,

I have gotten SO off track.

let'S get back to business

Intake to date:

oatmeal- 120 cals

coffee + stevia + benefibre- 5 cals

Piece of gum- 3 cals

total: 127 cals to date

weight today:

99+ 28.8

REVOLTING

but I am back on track

getting in touch with pt girls again,

going to work out more

let's get thin

I was on the worst b/p cycle but now it's time to buck up

I miss the feeling of collar bones

I am so scared to get better, I don't want to,

so I am going to get thin again.

'Too much school work' is no excuse.

I'll update my intake tonight before I go to sleep

CJ