i didnt kill myself, I just od'd

wristcutters:a love story

was a neat story (click HERE for clip)

and im not sure how i feel about it

I am pretty sure I am suffering a mild psychotic break

and my therapist isnt returning my calls

and my boyfriend is napping

and my teachers hate me

and I am fat

and nobody reads this blog anymore

i just feel really alone and confused

and there was a story in chicken soup for the teenage soul on love and freindship

that i havent read in a long time

about two girls and a broken friendship, and how i used to think that was us, that is could be mended

but I was wrong. and theres nothing special. theres no fairy tale ending for me

stuck in a halfway house

not strong enough to move forward

not weak enough to go back

im so confused and lonely and I just don't know about anything anymore

I can feel my brain slipping. I don't know what to do

and I'm scared.

scared i will do it, scared I won't, scared that plans will go too awry.

'When there's a trap set up for you

In every corner of this town
And so you learn the only way to go is underground'

im not sure

one of my aunts died today

she was really sick

and in a hospice for a while

we weren't close

but she made me feel special

and loved and pretty

(which nobody except marcus makes me feel)

so I am not sure how to react

sitting here watching criminal minds

but I have this voice in my head that is telling me

she shouldn't matter because we were not close

and she was fat. like actually obese

(but she was sick and she made me feel loved)

'the opinion of a fat woman doesn't matter. if anything it makes you more revolting'

rip aunt susan

gawd i could use a text or a cuddle from a certain man of mine

today I do, tomorrow I will

Today I love myself.

ha what a fucking joke.

what is love? "its a chemical blah blah blah""its found in chocolate. I love chocolate""peas! its also found in peas!"

how can I feel something toward myself that can be triggered by eating when I puke everything up anyway?

I wish it was easy to get a gun here

instead of letting this ed and my patheticness slowly kill me

bangbang my baby shot me down

mamamia

just ate bacon.

I havent in 11 years.

but its ok.

because I am going to puke until my throat explodes.

beating the system.

today is a blogging day

my brother got suspended from school

"hes grounded from his ipod(with internet), phone, computer and hanging out with friends for a week. social isolation"

then they get home and hes on his phone texting listening to his music, "hes grounded till saturday and cant have his phoen during the daay (cos he texts more at school then when hes home, nawwt)"

are you fucking kidding me? wheres the parental smackdown. he got suspended for being inappropriate and bullying a girl physically and verbally and this is all you fucking do?

2 more weeks till im out of this house

this is why i have control issues. "just one cupcake""oh, ok, have the whole box" shit, pukepukepuke. "punished for a week""just kidding"

making another fucked up kid? yup.

2 weeks.

grow a fucking backbone you fucking enabler.

gawd.

my kids are gonna do what theyre supposed to, get rewarded for doing well, have consequences when they dont

none of this pushover bullshit

fuck this shouldnt piss me off this much

I really want a beef sausage

as well

I do not know who this is, or where I got it from

but my gawd,

This is what I used to be, and every time I see it, I want it, need to be her

She makes me sad and happy and envious

There are two things that have ever made me feel this kind of yearning before

I will be this again before summer is done

(except I will be sexy mocha

obviously)

finally got the computerback

Shit, I leave for two weeks and the whole world goes to hell I'm still at the same weight. I don't know how long this has been. I've been trying to stay positive and productive, It's not really working I've finally cracked. I cried during phantom of the opera and the mummy returns. and then everytime I see a spider in my house (its that time of year) I burst into uncontrollable sobs and hyperventilate for a good 10 minutes (im not a pansy) I just need to get through the next two weeks and then I will be ok. (oh and pass my exams) also, people from my past are trying to re-enter my life and upset the delicate balance I've created I am strong enough to say fuck off, I am strong enough, I am strong, I am. I think therefore I am. I am obese. A whale. Disgusting. Had my award ceremony for school. didn't win anything. I have the second best marks and I got beat by the one person in every single thing. The athlete, school president, brains, good looking guy who has a great life and balances things and doesnt have to think about finding a place to puke, or what his thighs measure, or how he's going to pay his family's bills, or if he should kill himself. "but CJ, he might have family problems, you dont know" yes I do. its a graduating class of 25, we know damn near everything about each other. trigger trigger binge binge purge purge purge. Always purge up blood. It makes me smile. Im doing well, look at me now, "you didnt notice I lost weight" "yes i did, I just dont need to say it" "I worked hard to lose this, a little recognition would be appreciated" "you look skinnier" "well now, it doesn't mean anyhting" it doesnt. cos its still 99+13. I will get down. 99 and lower. never touch triple digits again. If I have to destroy every bridge except one, I will do it I promise no more long ranty posts, for a while