he thinks hes such a lady killer

my gosh. my school has made me hate black people.

(and considering I am half black, that is saying something)

they are all just so inconsiderate and bitchy and rude and have this stupid thug gangster mentality.

you are in a suit, do not do 'gang' signs (you arent in a gang). dont squat down. youre in a suit, try to look nice.

'sup mami' fuck off, youre like twelve. who gives a fuck if you came from africa? that was 15 years ago, you are as canadian as I am you idiot. stop being vulgar, pull up your pants and stop actin a fool.

on a different note, I really dislike jim carreys acting. his acting makes me sick. speaking of sick, ive been having such bad stomach pains if i dont puke (even if my stomach is empty)

I just want to stop this. i want to be 90 (ya it dropped down again shhh) and not eat and not puke and smile and be happy with who I am and what I look like, and not feel like a psycho.

'i never see you eat' 'i eat tons, i just never seem to eat around you, we always see each other in between meal times! hahaha' I am such a bad liar.

My family seems to just accept the fact I disappear downstairs a lot after meals so long as I clean the toilet before I come up. When I move in with Marcus in nine days, I'm not sure how it will go with that, we shall see. (I just will 'forget' to buy groceries)

sorry for the long post, I just had a lot on my mind, I need to start writing in a journal again.

xoxoxCJ

Don't be a brontosaurus

Today, the famjam made me eat with them. (I can't remember the last time I ate with them)

the menu was: soup and cinnamon buns. So stressful, I was such a cow to them, then i bolted to my bathroom and got everything up, thank gosh.

sad when i cannot even enjoy the little family time we have because they make it revolve around food.

my tummy hurts so bad. boo :(

also, checked out my ex bf's new gf's facebook.....I want to punch him in the face. She is fat. (normal people standards fat) and ugly and can't do her make up. That is a slap in the face because apparently those are his standards. I fall into the same category of 'what is attractive' in his mind as her. I am horrified. Must not eat the rest of the day.

Think I passed my maths, only physics left monday then wednesday is grad, and I am so pissed I have to pay 40$ for a bloody ticket for drinks and food buffet thing when I won't be eating or drinking. I can't afford to eat there, my stomach will bulge over my dress and ill be spewing out of it. ew no thank you.

can'T wait to move to xtown in 10 days! be with my man, but also have the freedom to not eat, work out when I want and not be pressured into doing things. win win? yesyes!

have a great weekend xoxox

CJ

priorities

I am going to bomb my maths final

which means I wont graduate high school

which means bye bye university

which is making me cry

but its ok because im not bingeing and am feelin skinniiiie

but my feet are swollen

and i have yet to get my period

i cant be pregnant

i cant remember the last time i had sex

oh wait, yes i do

hmm

skinny skinny skinny

gonna go back to pretending to understand my maths

and devise a way to sneak in cheat sheets

somebody pray for me

CJ

what else is there to do at 3 am but blog?

ok! soh!

my posts have been low.

like, saggy old ladies boobs low,

soh, mes amies, I have decided to write to vous a happy post!

I am getting out of dodge and going to live in Nikki land (aka move 3 hours northern)

hah I'm pumped to get away from the looney bin that is my house!

also I am excited to curl up with a certain man in my life every night (except the nights he chooses to watch owls and study bird calls and other peculiar things his job entails) in the northern land. (between us, I am scared how much I don'T ever ever want him out of my life, is this growing up or is this being stuck in a make-believe highschool sweethearts dream? who knows)

There is this song called 'Jesus rides the subway' or something like that and at one part, me and a friend are driving in my car and the song talks about how Jesus chills with junkies and stuff and looks like us and one of the lines goes 'and Jesus comes to church on Sundays and sits in the back' or something like that and she goes 'LIES! JESUS DONT GO TO NO CHURCH! JESUS WAS A JEW, HE GOES TO THE SYNAGOGUE ON SATURDAYS!'

probably one of those 'you had to be there' moments, but it was hilarious and I almost hit a car from laughing/ crying so hard.

Also, I am sitting on my study books, because if I can't see them, they won't remind me that I have to be up for an exam in less than 3 hours and I have yet to study

c'est la vie

take care, je vous adore!

ps-im still a fat puking lump of lard and grad is exactly a week away, I need some 'chemical' help, but exams are getting in the way :(, but on the plus side, i have kicked their bums so far

CJ

happy fucking fathers day

I am scared of spiders inside my basement

I see them and began to cry hysterically and freak out and shake

and jump on furniture

but outside,

them bitches aint got nothin on me

I have decided that this is my brain making a physical metaphor

for my thoughts

my house is my safe place, it represents my mind that I am fortifying

and those spiders are the bad thoughts that sneak in without me noticing

and then they are in there, creeping around, laying their eggs of doubt and deceit

but outside my house/brain I can squash them, they cant hurt me

I am either extremely brilliant, or desperate to create a plausible reason

for being scared shitless

of spiders in my mothafugginhouse

a la claire fontaine should be youtubed by everybody

because it is a beautiful sad song, and suits my mood

CJ

if we hold on together

weak in the knees- serena ryder, sex on fire- kings of leon, new york- jayz, a little piece of heaven avenged 7x

all decided to play on my itunes today.

fuckers. they know they are connected to memories I want to block out

they were unchecked, how did they play

they out to get me

this whole situation is getting out of control

go away go away go away

puke the feelings out

happy saturday xox

*******************************

i have no real friends. slash friends in general.

so much for studying tonight

CJ

sexibrwngrl+sexiblondemamii

I told marcus about how i have been feeling

he was really supportive

nikki and i are going to be free body expressionists with codenames <3

i am a chunk mother fuck

and have watched SO much criminal minds

also watched star wars, natalie portmans' face looked really pudgy

(in comparaison to black swan)

dear christy,

thanks for your comment so much,

its really nice to hear that im not alone in this cutting self hating lonely depressing thought process

and you were right, it did get better :)

i need to go study physics, have a shower, tan, clean the table and pay attention to my boyfriend. but first, a joke:

an old man and woman were sitting an dinner, they had been dating for quite a while but it was a platonic relationship. finally the old man brought up the subject. "how would you feel about a more sexual relationship?" the woman responded "i would like it infrequently" the man responded "is that one word or two"

HAHAHAH have a good weekend!