Remember, remember the fifth of November

I always imagine another life before I go to sleep, another reality, another me. I'm taller (apparently 5'10 isn't tall enough for my perfect life) my hair is longer and not damaged, and curls nicely. I live in Paris or Geneva, always speaking French and German. I am in charge of some huge project for social and economic development. I have a happy, balanced, married life. and I am StickThin.

Will being StickThin really make all of that true? Will being under 100 pounds help me through school and help me get a job across the big blue sea? Will puking everyday make my life more stable?

No.No.No. It will, however, make me feel better about myself, so that I feel well enough to go to work, network, make friends, be happy and have a support system. It will make me feel confident about who I am and that confidence will show through and I will get great tips at work which will pay for my schooling so I can get a job. But in the end, I suppose it is really my brains that will get me through all this right? And a brain can't function properly if it is not being fed right?

Yes. Yes.

But, who the heck cares about all that mumbo jumbo, because I am a pound down today thanks to purging and tea and coffee and some cherries. I am pathetic

It's raining, but I am going to force myself to go to the gym anyway, do a spin class, stretch, abs and come home and study. Would have gone to church, but I don't enjoy going alone (what a lame excuse, I disgust myself)

Please Weather Man, make it nice next weekend, I want to go to the beach (granted I have lost 3 pounds) and go to the Indy Finals and to Wicked.

I hope you are all having a better, sunnier weekend than I am.

CJ

ps-on prettythin it now says 'the space between our dreams and reality'. Does he mean the space between my thighs or space as in place as in the website space? I can't stop thinking about the space between my thighs every time I see it. I may have to go puke up my egg. Crap.

BE the customer and BE real.

I am not made for retail. It was so cold my lips were blue and I can't have a water bottle and I don't enjoy folding clothes. Switched my bill to my own name 3 days before the bill comes out and I haven't even had a chance to work yet. Fuck my life. Looks like I am walking to work until I get payed to save money. C'est la vie, calories will be burned.

Yesterday I went to the gym, but only stayed for an ab class, because I took lax the night before and, of course, it kicked in at the gym. Oh well, at least my tummy hurts today, so I know I did something right. Was really good all day, then the roommate bought snackies (ketchup chips and mini reeses pieces) and so I ate and food coma'd. I'm so ashamed, so today I am drinking tea tea tea and coffee coffee coffee and then maybe eat an egg for supper, but try for broth instead.

I am so sorry that I binged yesterday, but I cannot afford to binge anymore which is good.

I hope everybody has a great weekend, I am going to study and hit the gym and be really focused and also try find a church near here.

Sorry, this post was very random, I have a lot on my mind and I can't figure it all out.

CJ

fivefivesix zeropointtwo

So yesterday I went out with a friend to the club and we made a McDo stop and I caved.

My total for yesterday was:...... 556 cals

Almost twice what I wanted, but at least it was under 600 and at least I dropped .2 pounds

(not a lot, mainly because I didn't go to the gym and I didn't purge) I am on day 3 of not purging and I am not sure if I want it to keep going. I think so long as I am eating under 500 calories, I won't feel compelled to purge. I love purging to be dead honest, the relief, the pain, the exhaustion, I love it all, but I would rather go back to just restricting because I am scared to death of my teeth getting gnarlier and restricting is better with looking good, because my stomach stays small instead of stretching because of a binge, ya know what I'm sayin?

Also, I can't bring myself to purge in this house, with the roommate or Marcus, you can hear everything in the bathroom, so restricting it must be, so I will not be fat and gross

I ate oatmeal (110) and tea (0) for breakfast, driving 6 hours today which involves tons of coffee (0) and by the time I get back, I will have missed supper and will be passing my gym, so I am bringing runners in the car. Today should be under 200 calories, there is no reason for it to be over that.

Wish me luck!

CJ

oh ps, I am aware coffee and tea do not really only have zero calories, but I ignore that in my mind because there are only 2 ish and it makes me feel better about drinking tons of it

Busy hands are happy hands

Moved last night, and I am all set up here.

There are magpies outside the window though and they sound like dying peacock car alarm chickadees. I want to shoot them, but alas I have no gun, so I will accept them as a natural alarm clock (I already have 3, I could use another one)

This morning I had an egg and peppermint tea - 80 cals

Then for lunch I am having a cup of soy milk and a cup of chicken broth , 2 pieces of mini-wheats- 98 cals

Friend is coming over for coffee so I will have some earl grey tea- 0 cals

then for supper I will have some cherries (22) and green tea - 94 cals

so my intake will be :272 ish

And then to the gym tonight so I should be down tomorrow

Also, walked around the mall in heels applying for jobs and got hired at american eagle and earls.

Almost applied to Victoria's Secret. If I don't have enough hours between those two, that is what I will do that too. But considering those were the only two (aside from garage and bps, but I don'T count those because I didn'T talk to a manager) I applied to, and it only took me 2 hours (including interview time, park time, walk time) I feel very accomplished.

I have two days before I start work and I feel so bored. So I am going to read my kindle and study for Earls training.

CJ

Pretty women

my food bag is all packed, the contents are as followed:

-4 teas (peppermint, earl grey, green, blueberry pomegranate)

-a box of chai tea

-espresso

-3 different broths

-low cal mocha flavouring

-4 packets of low sugar oatmeal

-box of poptarts

I believe I am set for the next week at least. I really like being food poor and not being able to mooch off Marcus's roommate

Some days I feel useless, some days I feel useful, today I feel lazy. Packing, but never feeling fully prepared, feel like I will forget something. I hope I don't, but I probably will. I have my kindle and my phone, my pjs and my dresses, my heels and my flats and my scale and my hair straightener. What am I missing? Who knows

I need to weigh myself tomorrow, I am pretty sure I gained, I feel bloated and I can see a double chin. I hope I didn't go over 99+16. I'm such a poor excuse of a girl

CJ

Sunday Sunday Sunday

I am so over staying at this weight, but I have to wait just a little longer to drop again, or they will find out and yell.

3 more days. cannot wait.

there will be a 24 hour gym near my house

and I will work all day and night so I have no time to eat anyway

so excited .

I will stop being like fat lump of lard at 112. barfbarfbarf.

off to pack and clean this house so I am set for later and don't have to worry

also, this is out of left field, but I need to tell somebody and you are as good as anybody!

1) I miss God. And have always wanted to be a nun, but I am such a fail at being a good catholic. (I have been known to puke up my communion wine + wafer)

2) Poli sci and sociology are not really my uni choices. I would rather study my religion in depth and learn others too

3) It says nowhere in the Bible that an eating disorder in a sin as far as I know, why should I be ashamed?

have a good weekend

CJ

'youguys are amahhzing mahn'

had my grad and myafter grad camping, ate a bit of salad, some oatmeal, half a hot dog and some froot loops. considering thats all I ate wed-today, its not too shabby.

I won't miss most of them, and the ones that I will miss, I didn't say goodbye to. I didn't want to bawl in front of them and if I said goodbye to them, I would have bawled like a baby and never wanted to let go. I'll see them in two weeks and at school in September so I am focusing on that.

In my grad pictures there is clearly always a space in between my legs, it makes me happy. I also look like a giant.

If I was any good at photoshop/ cropping out faces I would show all of you, but alas I am not so I will leave it to your imaginations :)

Have a great weekend, I am going to sleep and weigh all weekend and do nothing else, because I am exhausted

xxoxox CJ