The moon gravitates around you

I added my stats to my blog.

To remind myself of how crap I've been for the past two weeks.

back up 6 pounds.

barfbarf. I could blame it on bloating and not going to the bathroom enough

But really, It is because I am just a huge disappointment.

That is precisely why I took my comments off.

I couldn't bear the thought of judgements

or imagined judgements.

I am swollen head to toe. This poundage is just water retention and all that other gross stuff I decided.

BarfBarfBarf

anyway, ya, stats will be changed every time I lose/gain. I promise.

No lying here, there's no point.

honestyhonestyhonesty

honestly:I am seriously craving mango icecream+pistachios. Only because I am siting round doing nothing.

54321stop54321breathe54321

Went home this weekend. Bad idea. stressed to the maximum the second I walked in the door.

Wrecked the whole weekend with my spazzy 'I can't handle stress' bullcrap. Got a bit tipsy.

Got fat. fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.

Need to carve that word into my skin until I learn my lesson.

My face is swollen. My hands are swollen. My feet are swollen. I am swollen everywhere.

I just want to close my eyes and sleep forever.

Half a banana+1/2cup soymilk+espresso. I don't even want to count the calories (94)

I need to take my lax.

I will make today a good day. Come home and nap then gym, get my car fixed, pay my phone bill, fill up my tank, starve, not cut, not dream about drugs. I don't wish for bad things when he is around. He is my filter. filters out the bad things, only lets in the good. But he won't be here for two days. I am so pathetic. Must be independent.

Ex told me that he is getting me back if it takes five years. He was the happiest he's ever been with me and he never wants to let that go. Guess what? I don't care. There is a reason I broke up with him. I have found somebody who I actually love and don't need to be coked out of my brain to fuck. so smd and get out of my brain.

Sorry this post really sucks, it was thundering last night, sweltering hot, lightning, woke up at 3,5,6. ie I am a zombie today. I wonder how many calories a brain has in it. hmm.

CJ

Truth is beautiful without doubt but so are Lies

5 Truths:

1) I love crystal light

2) I really believe I can make the world a better place

3) I think arm hair is strange and monkey like, so I shave mine

4) I dance to disney songs in my undies when I am home alone

5) I accept that what happened 5 years ago sucked and that I am a better person for it

5 Lies:

1) I am happy with my curves

2) I never wanted to model. I'd rather use my brain in my job

3) I love myself today

4) I am a very sympathetic understanding person

5) It's ok that what happened 5 years ago sucked and that I am a better person for it

CJ

pay no mind to this post

disgusting.

repulsive.

despicable.

Nothing I can type is close to what I am.

I do not deserve the life I have,

the people.

The body.

I deserve the body actually. this sickening grotesque lump of a body, fat. jiggling.body.

Why do they all think I am perfect? That I am a stunner?

I'm not. I really am not. Sure, I look decent with make up, my hair cooperates every once in a while. But I am not pretty. I am not skinny. I am not fashionable. I am not funny. I am not smart. I sure as fuck am not sexy. I am not. I mean this honestly. Not looking for pity. I really am grotesque.

Why does he want me? Why do any of them want me? I want him, not them, but why do they all want me? Is it because they thought I was easy? That I was a druggie fuck up? Because I screamed of desperation? Why do they all fall for me?

Why the fuck can nobody see what I see. That is all I want. Somebody to say 'yes. you are revolting. You are filth. But I am here to make you better. Prettier. All that you want to be.'

I wish I was sicker again. And that I heard that voice in my head. That sweet, lulling comforting voice saying it is ok, I have support. Please come back.

Please save me from this solitude in my brain that, I know he tries, Marcus cannot accept or comprehend, that my therapist can't fix, that Jayla tried to share.

Help.

CJ

Lucy at the Gym

I have zero energy today

Roommate made tacos last night. I had one

"You don't eat a lot do you" Im eating tacos am I not!

Did not purge yesterday. first day in a a week, I payed for it by going up a pound today.

Trying not to purge anymore ever again, I proposed a deal to the bf:

he comes to the gym with me (if somebody else is there, I am more likely to work extra hard)

we don't go out to eat, we only have healthy food at home (when I'm not home he can order in pizza or whatever but don't leave it round and don't tell me).

In return I promise to only weigh myself every two days (but bloody hell those two days I will weigh a million times) and get down to 102/3 pounds and stop there. (i can stop there right? i can stop there. ...)

We didn't really decide on anything as of yet, but I know what I'm asking him to do is a bigdeal but what I said I would compromise is also. I am sick, he knows this, I will try be less sick though, get down healthier. I just need some fucking support.

Had a shower, supposed to blow dry my hair right after. I am seriously so full of no energy I kaputzed on my bed and can't get up.

Sometimes I wish I didn't have to go to university and work and I could just stay home, bake for charity, read, be a housewife. we'll see what happens in 10 years.

I want to purge, that always wakes me up.

CJ

crap, my ds broke

I think you are skinny enough, you are drool skinny,

you just need a fraction of a hair more muscle tone.

I don't know what to make of this. I had one of those 'question my whole ED and existence' episodes last night and asked a friend if I really would be more attractive and perfect if I was skinnier. according to him no, I just need to stop being flabby. No, I would be better at least 20 pounds lighter and toned actually, so I guess I answered my own question. I'm not ready to be done with this whole thing.

I feel so disconnected from the world right now. I have no friends up here really, (and if I did, I don't have the money for gas to go see them anyway) so I feel alone and useless. The weather is such crap, I don't even want to leave the house. I wish I hadn't moved. Yes, this is good for my ED and stress levels, but truth be told, I am a spoiled brat. I do not enjoy having nobody to get me things or clean up after me. I need somebody around to listen to me talk non stop. I am an attention whore and very high maintenance. When Marcus gets back to town and figures this out, I think he will want me gone. I am so lonely.

Food plan today: oatmeal (110) yogurt (35) broth (10) carrots (45) banana (100) egg (80) total: 380.

work out plan: spin class 530-630 (260-500 cals burned, depending on how hard I push), body flow (yoga/pilates type) 630-730 (100 cals give or take)

fuck, hardly anything in being burned is these classes, no wonder I am still a disgusting fat flabby pig.

must.stay.positive.

CJ

Some comics to make Sunday less depressing

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net


Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net


Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

LOL AT THESE COMICS.