I am that girl

I am the bitch girlfriend.
I am the psycho friend.
I am the moody granddaughter.
I am the reason they all cry at night.

His best friend came over for a visit today. Best friend is permastoned. 
He knows I don't like it if I'm around when they get high but he stil did.
So I'm locked in our room, pissed out of my tree. I don't even want to talk to hum or be with him right now .
I want him to get rid of all his loser friends and get better ones. 
I want him to grow into a responsible adult I know he can be, because I need that from him.
But I'm petrified he won't.
So I will probably sabotage our relationship over the course of this year and beat him down until he either leaves or he succumbs to my wishes and becomes the person I want him to be. 

I'm so messed up.

CJ

popcorn and potatoes

I haven't been on this blog in a really long time, but I need somewhere to vent and this is the only safe place I can access currently.

I puke blood all the time and I randomly faint (the doctors have decided it is not due to my eating disorder and the two are not related in any way). Because of this, I am super restricted in what I eat in an attempt to balance my body so I may eat: mashed bananas, mashed potatoes, full fat probiotic yogurt, broth based homemade soups, and green tea.
I can accept this. However, I have my whole family yelling at me, telling me to gain weight and go to work while I am puking up blood and smashing my head on the floor every time I faint.  My aunt said I needed at least 15 more pounds (which is an insult because I am at LEAST 30 pounds underweight currently).
I was craving popcorn just a minute ago, and my boyfriend knows I can't have any. So what does he do? He makes himself a bag. That fills the kitchen and the living room with the smell. I ask him to eat it somewhere else (The den or whatever) and he goes into our room (which means when I go into the room, it will smell like popcorn).  
It is a dick move and now everyone in the apartment is eating popcorn and I am locked in the den, drinking my tea and trying not to cry and be furious at them all.
Just because food is a huge trigger for me, doesn't mean that they can't eat what they want, but at the same time, I would like a bit of sensitivity (i.e.: make ANYTHING than what I have just said I have a huge craving for).

I will not cut. I will not cut. I will not cry. I will not cut. I will not puke. I will not puke. I will not cry. I will not eat. I will not cut.

CJ

c'est quoi le point

Back from Vegas. Had a good trip. Didn't get as much pool time as I would have wanted, but my guy danced with me all night two nights in a row, so I can't complain.
Coming back to real life though, I realize I have put my problems away and they have resurfaced.
I feel as though I am drowning in sorrow and my thoughts are not pleasant and  feel as though I am back to square 1 in every aspect of my life: no motivation (academic, social, physical, mental) aside from motivation to kill myself.
That sounds depressing and pathetic, but oh well, that is my state of being right now. 
I am not sure how exactly to overcome this.
Things that I am lightly touching upon are these facts:
1) My bf and I are not meant to be together for an extended period of time
2) I am scared: of his moods, that he will think me dumb, hurt me intentionally/unintentionally
3) I do not wish to live, but if I die, it must be planned and the clean up/sorting through my possessions must be as painless as possible for the people that care about me
4)I will never be happy with who I am, physically nor mentally. 
I'm not sure what to do, so I am doing nothing. 
I have always felt that God has a plan for me, that he is trying with all his might to help me out through people, that I am meant to do something, but I think that is just a delirious thinking pattern.
God does not exist, 
Sooner or later, people will stop helping me 
I will be on my own
And without the push of others and the feeling that they believe in me
I become nothing
I do nothing
I am nothing

CJ

I should become a fit blonde apparently

Guy that I'm seeing right now (who I am in Vegas with right now) says 'ya, i'd like you if you were fitter'
gee. fucking thanks. I 'm working on it
and then later, we were looking at chicks walking around the strip and he proceeds to say 'I have a thing for blondes,'
I am the complete opposite from a blonde. the only thing white about me are my blue eyes and attitude,
THANKS GUY. 
that really helps my self esteem right now.
Hopefuly I can enjoy the rest of our Vegas trip without having to purge to feel better about myself
and the fact that my boyfriend prefers the type that definitely is not me. 
He doesn't know I have an ED and that I am extremely emotionally fragile, but even if he did, he would have said those things, because he's a really honest person and that is just how he is.
Sometimes I wish our society encouraged blatant honesty. 
but at times like this, I most certainly thankful it does not. 
CJ

Alone and it suits me fine

It's nice to have a blog nobody looks at anymore. 
I can write whatever I want to, without judgement.
It is interesting to see how much I have changed.
I won't say grow or evolved, because in some areas I have, and in other I have digressed. 
So I will say changed.
Vegas in 3 days, and all I want to do is die. 
I've gained a lot of weight. Told myself that I was recovering. what a lie. Now I can't even look at myself (not even my face, which I could tolerate beforehand) and many things seem to be going downhill.
I am fat. fat. fat. fat. I want to bury my knife deep in my stomach and let it all out.
But alas, I have commitments. 
hmm, maybe I have recovered in some aspect of my life. 
CJ

happy 21st

It is my 21st birthday.
I am fat
I am depressed
I am alone
There are only two things I want to do
And I can't do either of them
The one, because the person who I want here is not here
The second, due to the fact that same person is not here, but I promised I wouldn't do anything stupid
I already broke the one promise I said I wouldn't
So who really cares if I break the other one?
Nobody, because I am alone and he doesn't care anymore, because I made him not care.
I am sitting in my room crying on my birthday and Patrick is being so loud, I just want him and all his friends to shut the fuck up so I can sleep
I want to sleep forever.
I wish I could take back everything I said
But I know it would do no good
This was the right decision and I will have to live with it
Even if it kills me. 

I'm back

I am back. 
I don't know why I left. 
Self discovery. Self hatred. I'm not sure. 
I feel rattled, lost, confused and an emotional train wreck.
I am talking to my boyfriend about everything, I am not sure it is helping
I am taking my medication and I feel like it is just making me emotionally whacked out
I have no idea why I am writing again
I looked at thinspo and my heart almost leapt out of my chest with longing. I don't think that I have ever wanted something like that so much in that kind of way
I don't know what to think. If I hadn't taken my meds recently, maybe I would go puke. maybe I wouldn't. I think I am lost and I don't know where to turn to. 
Fuckaduck