Secret Ingredient: Cyanide

I've been seriously considering eating a tape worm so it can eat all of my food. 
I am at the point of desperation where I feel the world slowly fading into nothingness,
and a very large pit of despair and hopelessness expanding within my body. 
I think about overdosing on my medication and dying.  Instead, I take 4 and float along, being half awake.
I think about tying a noose around my neck and hanging myself. Instead, I hold my breathe in the scalding shower and get light headed and feel surreal. 
I think about sharpening the long knife in the kitchen and plunging it into my stomach. Instead, I puke up my sadness and cut bits of my scalp, so nobody can see. 
I am fading and I want out of this life. 
I am not happy. I am not successful. I am not strong. I am not skinny. I am not pretty. I am not smart. 
I am worthless and need to remove myself. I am a parasite. I drain all the good in a person, discard that person and then drain another, while waiting for the former to recharge and then drain until they are emotionally dead.
I want to know if a heroin overdose can be felt. If it can't, I want to do it. End everything. 

CJ

it's the season

I want to die. 

Too much stress. 

Too much doing things not because I want to, but because they make survival easier. 

I don't want survival anymore. 

I want to be taken care of my someone who loves me and who I love and who makes me feel like I don't have to purge and cut anymore. But if I do, will hold me until I feel better. 

I don't know what to so with life anymore, so I would rather end it.

Happy fuxking holidays. 

CJ

Life in Ruin

It's hard to stay motivated when ones' counterpart has the determination of a sloth. 

But despite that, I find myself finding happiness in life here and there. 

Little things like reading have brought me joy and I find mysel wondering why I ever stopped renting books from the library. 

I was allowed to work out for the first time since my surgery. I lasted 15 minutes on the treadmill, which is pathetic, but at least it is something. 

I'm not sure what to make of life right now, but I believe it's moving in a good direction. 

It is hard to forget my past, however. I harness a large amount of regret that festers in me and I am scared it will destroy me. 

CJ

One Day At A Time

Sometimes, I wish the people around me would just grow up and be responsible and take control of their lives so that I can live mine without having to stress about them triggeri my anger/ hostilities. 

Philippe won't do his proserve so he can get a new job because "he will just say he has it and then get it once he is hired". So why isn't he out looking for a job today then? 

Dove can't budget to save her life, which is making my bills worse when it's time to pay things because she's always late. 

James has just really screwed his life up and putting so much stress on us all because he might go to juvie (but either way he is kicked out of school ...again... For knocking a kids teeth out and going him a broken nose. 

And with all of this going on that directly affects me, I am supposed to keep on being happy and smiling and focused and not relapse into any bad habits while the stress suffocates me? How very unrealistic. I can't work out because my heart still hurts from the incision, so I am useless and resorting to being a useless blob of nothingness.

Things will get better, they always get better...right?

CJ

Domo Origato Robococo

Officially a robot. 
Well, kind of.
The heart thing hurts really really bad. I don't know why I thought I would be able to work out today.
I'm retarded.
My weight sucks because of the stupid IV hydration. Want to  cry, but I won't because I will be able to work out soon. 
Positivity

CJ

Sunday not-so-funday

Just spent four hours cleaning the place before they get home. 

I'm exhausted and I have so much on my mind to the point where I just want to sit and cry and give up. 

I'm not going to, because I have worked so hard, but in the meantime I just feel utterly hopeless. 

Stupid calories making me insane

CJ

It's like drowning...

Sometimes I try to not breathe and see if I pass out
because it's better than puking and the only thing I can do to control things sometimes
I feel vile and worthless and guilty because I can't keep the emotion in anymore and it's seeping out
But I'm too stubborn to cry, so instead I puke and refuse to give in to the emotions
If I do, I will be lost again for an indefinite amount of time. 
And I would rather be drowning, but able to see the light as opposed to be being drowned in darkness. 
I have messed up my plans and I hate myself for it. 
I still hate my birth mother. 
And I hate my ex-best friend.
And I am not sure what to think about Marcus, except I get sad. 
I don't want to be lost in darkness, but I don't see any other choices coming up soon. 

CJ