russian roulette with a bunch of guns??

I had a long, fun weekend

school work, friends, fashion shows, boyfriend

it was exhausting but good at the same time

Since I was at my boyfriends' house all weekend,

I haven'T weighed, and I won't today,

I've eaten a mandarin orange, zero fat yogurt and green tea

and I am going to go to a dance thing and the gym

so tomorrow I should be down

I just want to be sexy for my christmas trip with my bf

I want him to think I'm the sexiest person in the world

fuck I want a smoke but it is so flipping cold outside

CJ

It's a new day

So I don't know what the fug is wrong with my body

But I am 99+24.4 lbs

and I have 2 shows this weekend

I have walked everywhere, purged everything (never ate more than 300 cals)

played in the snow

kept up with my fluids

and I still won't go down

I think I may need to get myself some laxs, I'm convinced that is the problem and my body doesn't work without them

Staying positive and busy and not giving up though,

because I've got some sweet ass friends who are getting skinny as fuck

and I'm gonna be right down there with them before my Costa Rica trip mid december

CJ

come one come all

guess my weight guess my weight

you don't even want to know, trust me

costa rica for christmas,

water park this saturday

I'm disgusting I don't want to be seen in public with this

I barely leave my room

working out tonight, need to work out hard

cut myself again

bf freaked out, of course he did

I would too if I were him

my body won't stop cracking, it is gross

I am gross

my skin is revolting

fuuuufuufufuu

CJ

noone reads this, I could care less

If I cut myself,

died, bleeding on the floor in my res room,

how long do you think it would take someone to realize?

a couple days I bet, maybe longer, depending

theres nowhere to hang myself really, which is a shame, but I do have all those drugs

from when they took out my teeth

think I could die from all of those?

I would love to do that,

just go to sleep, nice and long, forever

I am going to go puke up my guts and my life,

go tanning then get all pretty, wrap plastic wrap around my body

and go get a book I want and then maybe go to class

I can't die today, because I need to die skinny

CJ

Hello, my name is Pathetic

Photoshoot in a half an hour

and Im so fucking fat today, I don't even know why I said I would do it

yesterday, I was talking with my friend

(he's such a cutie of a guy, not my type at all but I get why girls like him)

and he was talking about how he likes tall, fit, model type girls

(he's searching for the 'perfect girl')

and then goes on to say he's not shy about telling a girl she's pretty.

If he thinks she's pretty, he tells her straight up

and it's like

hold on. I've known you for 6 weeks

and you've never said anything to me

I know he didn't mean it like that

but it's one of those things where I just want people to think that

I'm pretty or fit or skinny or want me or whatever

(everyone wants to be wanted)

and it hurt really bad, so I went into my bedroom and purged

and now I don't want to eat all fucking week and get super skinny

and I know it doesn't matter because my bf loves me and thinks I'm pretty

but I'm so fucking insecure and I need that type of reassurance

I'm so pathetic

and so scared to weigh

because I'm a fucking whale

CJ

and the sun is shining...

I am just refusing to shave

going natural

mainly because I don't trust myself with a razor right now

just ate oatmeal with brownsugar milk and macadamia nut butter

(like 10 mis ago)

and the second I finish this post Im gonna puke like a mother fucker

I havent been good with it lately

(puking has been almost non existant)

so I will puke until acid

and thats a promise

I wish I had a gym to go to with classes and shit

instead of one so far away with no parking

ok, Im panicking puking wise

(ive been trying to delay the purge like I got taught in therpay)

but fuck it I am so done

then I need to get back to homewokr

so little time so much to do

(remmeber that show with mk and ahsley olsen? fuck they're skinny bitches)

omg the puke is like rising out of my body

FUCK

bye

CJ

i look at you with such disdain

Fasting all week

water coffee tea

exbestfriend has abs. fuck her ill be better than her

im so emotionally messed up right now

so ill fast until I cant think

that is my punishment for not purging today and my binge

and for not cutting, or walking to go buy razors

no more eating for cj

she doesn't deserve it