Have you ever been hungry? Too hungry to eat?

So I haven'T blogged in five days because I had a horrible five days.

recap:

1) cut up my stomach. Will probably scar. Byebye bikini (not that I would wear one anyway, my fat and other scars are bad enough)

2) Friday night, car ended up in a ditch, just got it back today

3) My boyfriend wouldn't let me bring my scale to his house all weekend, so I am fat I believe

4) Been daydreaming about hanging myself in my shower because I will fail school so why bother

5) I got kicked out of group because I missed too many (2 of which were NOT my fault at ALL)

6) I have the worst craving for some blow and a razor

I'm going to fast this week, attempt school, stay sane, drink coffee, purge and cut.

Ahh, the life of a depressed, starved, puking, borderline cutter is full of wonderful things, isn't it

Too conflicted for a post that makes sense

I want to scream

I want to cry

I want to cut

I want to purge

I want to die

I want I want I want

I need self control

I need others to believe I am horrible

I need to go upstairs and take pills

I need to find my razor

I need to let my boyfriend go before I drag him down

I need I need I fucking need

to dissappear

Borderline Personality Disorder? Me? Never! HA

Back from manitoba. With a gut and boobs. I ate to be polite and I couldn't purge. They are nice people, but jesus christ do they eat. I am in pain from how swollen my belly is. I may cry writing this. Going to take some exlax (11 today, 11 tomorrow, 11 xmas, 7 boxing day) so by monday i will be empty and I can fast and run and get skinny again because I refuse to be fat.

Went and saw Black Swan with the bf tonight. STUNNING MOVIE. Natalie Portman's chest bones basically made me die they were so stunning. And the movie's ending... (I am going to be a spoiler here so I'm sorry), it made me cry and made me remember that it was my dream to die a white swan. Not through ballet, but once I'm finally over this struggle of getting back down to perfection, I want to die being perfect. My life will be short and sweet and have the perfect ending.

My best friend killed herself February 6th 2006, Almost five years ago. It will be five years in one month and two weeks. I am going to be a stick by that time in order to honor her and feel accomplished and grieve without worrying I'm not perfect enough for her.

I'd like to cry now, but I can't, as my boyfriend is here. I wish he was crazy like me and could understand what it's like to adapt to my surroundings so easily (manitoba, within a day I was talking in their accent) and feel such strong connections and needs to live out books and movies (I talk like them, and see the world though characters eyes for a couple days) I know what you'Re thinking "Why CJ! That's simply crazy!" HI. Im Coco and I'm Nuts.

Have a superb christmas, I'm going to try have sex and see if he even lets me jump his bones without "talking about our feelings" (Seriously, whooo is the girl is this relationship!)

ps- I will make this post pretty in the morning, I promise

Today's blog brought to you by the letter F

Wake up at 7 to my grandma looming over my bed (how the eff did she get into my locked basement?) "You going to school today?" I say I don't know."FINE!"*light goes off, doors slam* and i sleep. Wake up at 11: Let's try this again

get out of bed. pee. walk to scale.

99+21.8 pounds. get off. wash face, try again

99+21.8 pounds

Walk to my couch -11:15

I stayed on that couch until 330 when i finally decided that 99+21.8 pounds was not going to go away if I sat on my ass all day. so i started to clean and do laundry. Then I went and worked out for 3 hours.

Now I am eating some beef broth and my blackberry has decided to delete my bbm while my trackpad is busted. so it is completely useless.

I wonder if I watched pokemon enough I could just become a character in the story? I should go to bed before I binge cut or cry.

recap of day:

1) locked basement gets broken into by fat grandma

2) missed school

3) worked out for 3 hours

4)ate broth, drank water

5) blackberry broke

6) wondered how I could kill myself and be put back on earth in a perfect body and good home

7) 99+21.8. 99+21.8. 99+21.8

sorry for the crap post. I'll be back to writing blogs worth reading tomorrow, scouts honor.