Salut!

Quick update:

been working tons lately

focusing on school for exams

Marcus and I are doing superb

I have been binge and purge free for a couple days now (binge=5, purge=3)

and...

I'm down to 99+15.0 !!!!

I've made a plan to get down to 99+8.0 by june 23rd (going to take my time and leave room for plateuas) It is 7 pounds in 5 weeks

The only problem I see will be me getting to them gym

but now that I have a proper car, there is no excuse anymore!

Have a great long weekend, I'll check back in soon!

how many calories do ricola's have?

My throat is burning

my glands are swollen

my nose won'T stop bleeding

"I'm feeling under the weather, that's all, it will soon pass"

I need to stop purging this much

but the numbers on the scale are going down

the price of beauty

Have a great weekend

kumbaya

Hey lovelies!

So I'm quite sick, but the weather is beautiful outside, so I decided to brave a bikini to tan

bad idea. fatfatfatfat. purgeypurgepurge. Should have seen that coming.

Eating oatmeal right now, then going to do my hair and nails, go outside (in normal clothes)

work on my garden, do homework then go to the gym for 3 hours. Today started off crap

But I will make it good.

I will be thin, I deserve it. We all deserve it.

"All of us are better when we're lovedthin"

The only thing that matters is Your love

Today I ate zero things. aside from a quarter of a beet and a chocolate bunny head (which I purged)

I have drank only water and went to a spin class and almost fainted

yay skinny

must lose a minimum of three pounds by thursday so I can wear my parliament skirt to parliament

I went shopping and everything was xs or s, which made me content

also, I am becoming such a sap. Which, if you don't really know me, won't be a big deal, but really, it is. I'm in such a 'i want to be a stay at home mom later and get married and go for family walks and play couples bridge' mindset, which I'm sure Marcus is sick of (not that I say these things, but just the me talking about the future so much ) and I don't blame him.

I better be down at least a pound tomorrow!

ps- I have been reading all your blogs, but I just haven't commented lately, because I am at a loss of words lately. I do still care, and when I get my head out of my bum, I'll start commenting again :)

Marcus proposed!!

It was amazingly cute, we went to the zoo

and he arranged a hippo seeing

and a private dinner

it

was

amazing!

APRIL FOOLS!!

hahh did I fool any of you?

Gosh I could not get married yet,

a) not until i'm 99 pounds

b) not until I finish uni

c) not until I am 21 at least, because my grandma would kill me

Speaking of her, she said she would pay for my gym membership and that of my baby brothers too if I follow her diet for a week (weight watchers type thing)

but it is around 900 calories a day, which scares me to death, and she will monitor my purging too

she will probably take away my scale for the week too

I went shopping today and got: a jean jacket, a flowery pencil skirt, a tank top, 2 bandeaus, a button down shirt, a silky shirt, a sexy bra+pantie combo and a bunch of rings, necklaces and a bangle all for UNDER 100$ what a great day

have a great weekend everybody!

Broth is my best friend

Veggie broth

Beef broth

Chicken broth

I love them all. They are my saviors.

I woke up at the same weight today, but I'm going to stay positive

yesterday i ate oatmeal (110) a chicken breast with spices (110) a bit of salsa (25) for a total of 245, which I am alright with

Today, I have eaten a banana (100) and my uncle is taking me to dinner at my (used to be) favorite italian restaurant. I am only going to have some lobster bisque (a soup type thing, 250 ish cals per cup) but not all of it! and a small slice of bread (if I'm forced) and tea and perhaps a bit of salad.

I got my grad pictures today. My cheeks look so fat and disgusting, my chin looks wide , my hair looks dry, I look oily, I could go on...

I'f I am not two pounds smaller by tomorrow, I will kill something.

I must lose those two pounds before my period comes! (which I think is soon, I'm so bad with figuring it out)

I have a massage today, went to the bank to talk about student loans and visas and tanned

I will NOT wreck this day with food!

going to go back and eat my broth now..mmmm broth.....

WEEOO

Salut!

I am feeling so productive!

I have painted my nails, watched Criminal Minds, attempted physics, did my server quizzes, have done everything to avoid doing my dissertation and projects, and now I have had espresso and am ready for an all nighter

Got a new phone again, this one better work longer than just a couple hours, silly blackberrys

I went down a pound from yesterday, woohoo (not enough, but at least it is a drop)

Marcus and I are hell bent on fixing us (YAY. I am seriously in love with this guy and am going to try harder to be the best I can be to myself for him and to him)

AH CAFFEINE I LOVE YOU

going camping all weekend, then to Lake Louise for some mad shreddage next weekend

Happy st patty's day tomorrow! I work and then am skipping going out to do schoolwork (yay priorities, Lord give me strength!)

ok, that is it! Back to school work and coffee and stretching and Operation Barbarossa!

xxoxoxooox

TV junkie

Normal thinspo doesn't make me happy anymore
They're never skinny enough
never enough bones
I want bones
I need bones

There was an Intervention episode today (Tiffany) and it struck really close to home, because she has a 10 month old kid who her grandparents are taking care of while she disappears for days on end doing meth. In the end she left rehab early and is back doing drugs. I'm relieved that it ended like that. If she ended up getting better and being a proper mom, I would probably have cried and been filled with anger that she would do that, but not my own mum. Fucking reality tv
The midget on Heavy made it a bit better, he started out fatter around then he was tall (hee hee)
The man and I are fighting because I am gonna go rail some snow tomorrow with the ex bf (whos paying for it all) drama rama who cares gonna snort it all away
I wish I had more money for drugs so i could get skinnier quicker and have fun doing it
oh well, i'll be fat and broke

everybody youtube "christain praises god for tragedy in japan"
she is one of the reasons people hate my God. boo to her

goodnight, this was an ecclectic mix of topics
will post my weight tomorrow gaahh

Quelle belle journée!

Salut mes chouettes!
Aujourd'hui, j'ai appliqué pour l'université!
J'ai hâte a voir si je serai acceptée!

....
I'm feeling very french today because i applied for university en français!
I'm quite excited because it means nobody making me eat and I never have to speak english in real life again!
WOOHOO
Last night I binged, I had some Munchies and some frog candies
but I woke up today half a pound lighter!
99+23.4
disgusting! I've gained 6 pounds in a couple months, this is gross
I am fixing it
looking at thinspo and binge prevention (yay PT)
I also got invited to go out tomorrow night with people at school
I am feeling good!!
Passez une merveilleuse nuit, je m'en vais au gym, puis je vais me bronzer!

Just smile

I really want somebody to make my blog look pretty

I want my blog to reflect me

but just like my life and my style, it doesn't

oh well

went to school today and I only drank water and tea

time for some Castle, BBT and and Heavy <3

"Are you from Ireland? Because you've got my penis Dublin"

HAHAHAHA

have a great night xox

La joie de vivre est dans nous tous et toutes

What a silly mini vacation at le hopital

Some things were good, I thought about alot

in terms of improving my mental health and going to school

but when they offered recovery,

I politely declined, I am not ready, and frankly, don't want to

I now have a work out buddy hopefully

and my house is full of disgusting cookies

oh well,

catching up on blogs now, SO many to read in five days,

but it gives me hope

and reminds me why I'm here

ps- totally snuck my scale onto the unit and am down two pounds, at least it's something

xox

NYC fall 2011

Just went on my old modelling blog to see who's hot

and my old best friend is in SIX shows for New york fashion week

and one eyewear ad

I am happy for her

but I am so upset

because if I wasn't still so fat

and cut up

that would have been me

It's a good thing I'm going to a hospital tomorrow

She will be my motivation

Where'd she go? Here I am

3 day binge free plan with Nikki starts today

day 1 for me- fruit

day 2- veggies

day 3-friuts + veggies

no purging allowed

weight: 99+ 21.2

disgusting

sorry if I scared you Gabby,

promise I'm back for good

Intervention: "CJ"

I want to be fat skinny. I want to not be bent over the toilet until I pass out. 
I hate my stomach. My scars. The words etched into my body. The judgements that follow me wherever I go when people notice them. I want to be free of this condemned shell. I want to be happy. I don't want to look at the blob in the mirror anymore. I don't want to face the reality that I have become. I want to see a happy girl. Clear skin. Toned body. Smiling face. Long silky hair. Beautiful collar bones. Concave stomach. A boyfriend who's smile does not try in vain to mask sadness and despair. 
Do you hear what I'm saying? I don't want the life I live anymore. I don't want this eating disorder. But I don't want to be fat. Don't you see? This is the only way I'll be happy. I will lose friends, family, opportunities, self respect, everything, on this path. But I can always create new friends, family isn't everything, self-respect can be rebuilt and opportunities will come again.
I'm willing to sacrifice everything to shed this skin, be a new, thinner person I will be proud of, what are you willing to lose?

Truth is beautiful; Without doubt, But so are Lies

How old is Ben Affleck? Actually, I don't care. I just want him. He is far too yummy. It's the weekend soon, and tomorrow I will be snowboarding with my friend (and by snowboarding I mean doing blow) so I will be losing 3-4 pounds by monday. Hooray!

I hope you are all having a good week, sorry I've been such a downer lately, but my money is finally coming in (I'm getting money every month to go to school, woohoo) so life is looking up and I want to keep it that way.

Nose no longer bleeds when I purge, and I've been doing a lot lately (up to 5 times a day again) so hooray for no more nose bleeds!

Stay strong, we'll all be able to get there soon, I know it!

One pill makes you larger and one pill makes you small

SO last night I was really bummed out

I had eaten some broth around 3 pm, and was feeling pretty low about life. Then my good friend called me to hang out. We bought:

Water

20 cal gatorade (for him, not I)

Smokes

5 gs of coke

10 pm-730am rail rail rail

We talked about everything and I feel really good about life, but I feel like death because of the come down of coke (its usually not that bad for me, but nine and a half hours of constant railing will make you feel like poop) . I ended up popping 4 sleep aids (melanonin or something) which helped me feel normal before my appointment. Not doing drugs again this year, talked to the lead therapist in my program and we've concocted a way that I might actually pass my school year and get into university! Now all I have to do is survive my home life.

Once I got home, I napped from 5pm to 11pm. I feel great now, weighed myself just for fun and am back at 99+19.4! Not the greatest number but yaaa teens! 99+16 by monday? I sure hope so!

Mad craving a waffle, but screw that bird! I'm stronger than that!

I'm feeling good, I'm feeling motivated about life, I feel like this is our time to shine!

The little train that could

I would like to dedicate this post to three special people.

1) Gabby- Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou. Thank you for reading my blog, for being my friend on pt and for keeping me sane on the interweb. Your comments and your blog posts make me realize I'm not alone and I can't give up because my world is bigger than just me.

2)Nikki- You are my stronghold in the real world. We don't talk about anything too in depth personal wise, and that makes me feel good, because I have to force myself to be cheery and positive, which in the end, saves me from myself and doing stupid things to myself. If we didn't text every day, I really don't know how I would have made it this far. That sounds a bit extreme, so sorry for that, but really, you give me supreme strength.

3)Marcus (alias)- Thank you for being my boyfriend. For finding me bleeding to death and overdosed when we only first started dating and saving my life. Thank you for putting up with my depression, my lost faith, my borderline personality disorder and the horrible words I throw at you. I'm glad that you are still here. I am aware your love is conditional and I don't want to lose you. You make me want to better myself and stay in school.

I've been such a debbie downer lately and I'm trying to find my footing and focus on the really important things in life such as exercise, Pokemon and getting better. Bear with me a little longer, I shall be back to my old self soon if I really focus on what matters.

I truly love you all, more than I can ever express in words and actions,

CJ

When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade, it has too many calories

So, I calmed down after my last post, it was a little extreme, but that is how I am. Black and White. Extremes and Intensity. My boyfriend has left today, and I have lost but two pounds since the first. I am extremely disappointed in myself. Also, my individual therapy has been cancelled because her mom is dying back in Japan. This is two months now, no wonder I'm going stark mad. All my walls are being put back up and I'm beginning to get angry and blank. But no! I must think positive, think of five things in my life that are good:

1. Nikki and I are on a binge-free week and we've done amazing up to date
2. My financial situation may possibly be turned around in a week
3. I have the determination to study every night for my math diploma in three weeks
4. I am losing weight
5. I have a wonderful support system of friends, family and internet stalkers

I'm going to be blog as much as I can while I cram quadratic formulas and statistics in my brain so I do not binge and keep you all informed of my very very boring life that, at the moment, revolves around starving, puking and equations.

ps- thinspiration-pictures.blogspot.com saves my life. Check it out.

pps- I'm sad that some of the blogs I follow have stopped posting for weeks now, and it makes me sad

ppps-The sun in shining and so shall I

Borderline Personality Disorder? Me? Never! HA

Back from manitoba. With a gut and boobs. I ate to be polite and I couldn't purge. They are nice people, but jesus christ do they eat. I am in pain from how swollen my belly is. I may cry writing this. Going to take some exlax (11 today, 11 tomorrow, 11 xmas, 7 boxing day) so by monday i will be empty and I can fast and run and get skinny again because I refuse to be fat.

Went and saw Black Swan with the bf tonight. STUNNING MOVIE. Natalie Portman's chest bones basically made me die they were so stunning. And the movie's ending... (I am going to be a spoiler here so I'm sorry), it made me cry and made me remember that it was my dream to die a white swan. Not through ballet, but once I'm finally over this struggle of getting back down to perfection, I want to die being perfect. My life will be short and sweet and have the perfect ending.

My best friend killed herself February 6th 2006, Almost five years ago. It will be five years in one month and two weeks. I am going to be a stick by that time in order to honor her and feel accomplished and grieve without worrying I'm not perfect enough for her.

I'd like to cry now, but I can't, as my boyfriend is here. I wish he was crazy like me and could understand what it's like to adapt to my surroundings so easily (manitoba, within a day I was talking in their accent) and feel such strong connections and needs to live out books and movies (I talk like them, and see the world though characters eyes for a couple days) I know what you'Re thinking "Why CJ! That's simply crazy!" HI. Im Coco and I'm Nuts.

Have a superb christmas, I'm going to try have sex and see if he even lets me jump his bones without "talking about our feelings" (Seriously, whooo is the girl is this relationship!)

ps- I will make this post pretty in the morning, I promise

She will wear you out, livin la vida loca

So I haven't blogged in a couple days because

i was livin la vida loca!

In reality, I was christmas shopping like MAD and I went out dancing two nights in a row.

my GAWD. I have not been out forever, and I forgot how much men and boys alike enjoy trying to grope my bum. It makes me convinced i need to get skinny so much quicker so they have nothing to grab next time I go dancing.

mood: Depressed

the fat woman that lives upstairs has yet again broken into my basement.

she has taken, yes, TAKEN my scale and hid it.

"You can have this back every friday, but youre obsessed."

HI im CJ and i have an EATING DISORDER. DUH

I have scoured the house for my buried treasure but it is nowhere to be found.

While christmas shopping, i may or may not have stolen numerous panties (XS) shirts (XS) and even managed to somehow get hollister jeans (1-uugh). The shopping god must realize I am broke and decided to lend me a hand

how all of those things fit into my tiny purse is still a mystery to me,

on a more morbid note,

i wonder how much a gun costs, for those just incase circumstances when life looks a little too unpleasant. I've already done the od thing, the slicing myself up from nave to nape, seems this way might be a bit more interesting.

gabby: I love your questions, ask whatever you like (that goes to all my other internet stalkers too). I do coke and shrooms. I used to smoke weed but it makes me paranoid sometimes and I popped e but disliked it. i will never try meth or heroin or anything because, despite the fact i am an avid cutter and see my own blood on a regular basis, sticking a sharp object in my vein makes me queasy.

last meal: thursday night (purged). last time i drank water: cant remember. last time i tried to purge: when i woke up (i must be mad) weight: 99+????

I hope your weekends were as starved and calorie burned as mine.

ps- I wrote a poem (i'm not the greatest at poetry) and I'm debating posting it. but i dont want to be laughed at.