La vie n'est pas belle

My little brother didn't want to go to the gym with me today

so now I am not at the gym

I threw up the tacos they made me

Sharon is calling me an ass over and over again and calling me stupid and other horrible things

I have nowhere to hide, nowhere to run, so

I am going to not talk for the rest of the night

Ignore her

and play the Sims

hopefully tomorrow will be better

I'm scared to know what I weigh

NYC fall 2011

Just went on my old modelling blog to see who's hot

and my old best friend is in SIX shows for New york fashion week

and one eyewear ad

I am happy for her

but I am so upset

because if I wasn't still so fat

and cut up

that would have been me

It's a good thing I'm going to a hospital tomorrow

She will be my motivation

Intervention: "CJ"

I want to be fat skinny. I want to not be bent over the toilet until I pass out. 
I hate my stomach. My scars. The words etched into my body. The judgements that follow me wherever I go when people notice them. I want to be free of this condemned shell. I want to be happy. I don't want to look at the blob in the mirror anymore. I don't want to face the reality that I have become. I want to see a happy girl. Clear skin. Toned body. Smiling face. Long silky hair. Beautiful collar bones. Concave stomach. A boyfriend who's smile does not try in vain to mask sadness and despair. 
Do you hear what I'm saying? I don't want the life I live anymore. I don't want this eating disorder. But I don't want to be fat. Don't you see? This is the only way I'll be happy. I will lose friends, family, opportunities, self respect, everything, on this path. But I can always create new friends, family isn't everything, self-respect can be rebuilt and opportunities will come again.
I'm willing to sacrifice everything to shed this skin, be a new, thinner person I will be proud of, what are you willing to lose?

Have you ever been hungry? Too hungry to eat?

So I haven'T blogged in five days because I had a horrible five days.

recap:

1) cut up my stomach. Will probably scar. Byebye bikini (not that I would wear one anyway, my fat and other scars are bad enough)

2) Friday night, car ended up in a ditch, just got it back today

3) My boyfriend wouldn't let me bring my scale to his house all weekend, so I am fat I believe

4) Been daydreaming about hanging myself in my shower because I will fail school so why bother

5) I got kicked out of group because I missed too many (2 of which were NOT my fault at ALL)

6) I have the worst craving for some blow and a razor

I'm going to fast this week, attempt school, stay sane, drink coffee, purge and cut.

Ahh, the life of a depressed, starved, puking, borderline cutter is full of wonderful things, isn't it

Too conflicted for a post that makes sense

I want to scream

I want to cry

I want to cut

I want to purge

I want to die

I want I want I want

I need self control

I need others to believe I am horrible

I need to go upstairs and take pills

I need to find my razor

I need to let my boyfriend go before I drag him down

I need I need I fucking need

to dissappear

She who laughs last thinks the slowest

I don't want to purge.

My family made me eat a lean cuisine fettuccini alfredo -400 cals.

I am now in my basement,

I'm pretty sure they left the house

I want to eat everything in sight

I want to purge until I black out

But more than anything,

I want to let my body digest this food and nourish me.

But I'm going to go to the toilet now and puke till there's nothing left

because,

of course,

i'm not in control of my fucking body

**************************************************************

I feel much lighter. Light headed and shaky, but wonderfully empty. Took my vitamins just now-big mistake-and I am queasy as hell. I cannot puke these up or I will suffer far more than I am now.

On another note: In case anybody was wondering, im 5'10 and my cw (as of thursday) is 99+19.6

but it's all fat, no muscle anymore.

Anybody excited for christmas? I sure hope I am not the only person who enjoys carrolling and decorating and spreading good cheer (when I venture out of my cave of solitude)

I haven't slept since monday, I think i'll try to do that now,

as I have nothing else to write. Stay strong butterflies, I love you the way a blogger loves her followers (all four of you <3>

As short a post as a very short...;)

I need to leave my house. I have sat in bed all day. My basement looks like a party went down, except only coke zero and water were drank. (There is seriously 24 cans of pop and at least 10 water bottles) I want my scale. I feel too fat. I want to puke and cut.

heres the poem: (its very long. and it sucks ha)

Where have you gone

my beautiful girl

my one and only love

You've disappeared into

shadow and dispair

where I dare not follow

The lines on your face

tell no more of happiness

and a joyous life

But instead of fear

longing, and emotions

I cannot recognize

Where have you vanished

my effervescent light

my reason to stay on this earth

Underneath your rage

your layers of lies

are you still even there

Do you cling to your bones

and your toilet bowl

wishing they were instead I

Can you recall the days

of Sunday brunch

when your curves seduced me so

Your hollow eyes have no fire

your lust is gone

for all except perfection

My wonderful love

you fade from the world

a memory wishing to be forgot

You're no longer here;

no body nor spirit

have you succumbed at last

My corpse of a love

I will be always with you

despite my better judgement

Where have you gone

my innocent girl

you are my heart and soul

You're in the ground

with hate and despair

In the grave I watched you build

It's a beautiful lie

Double posting in one night: I suck.

I was sitting here and looked up a song on youtube I listened to a month ago

It made me cry and want to recover

It made me want to be beautiful

And realize that I'm beautiful

I listened to it not even five minutes ago

and i cried, but not for the same reasons

I want to be beautiful by being skinny

I want to be happy, I want to go to school

I want to finally graduate (two years late)

I want my family to be proud of me

I want a mother fucking hug.

Fuck you sad songs.

This is the song (CLICK IT)

Today's blog brought to you by the letter F

Wake up at 7 to my grandma looming over my bed (how the eff did she get into my locked basement?) "You going to school today?" I say I don't know."FINE!"*light goes off, doors slam* and i sleep. Wake up at 11: Let's try this again

get out of bed. pee. walk to scale.

99+21.8 pounds. get off. wash face, try again

99+21.8 pounds

Walk to my couch -11:15

I stayed on that couch until 330 when i finally decided that 99+21.8 pounds was not going to go away if I sat on my ass all day. so i started to clean and do laundry. Then I went and worked out for 3 hours.

Now I am eating some beef broth and my blackberry has decided to delete my bbm while my trackpad is busted. so it is completely useless.

I wonder if I watched pokemon enough I could just become a character in the story? I should go to bed before I binge cut or cry.

recap of day:

1) locked basement gets broken into by fat grandma

2) missed school

3) worked out for 3 hours

4)ate broth, drank water

5) blackberry broke

6) wondered how I could kill myself and be put back on earth in a perfect body and good home

7) 99+21.8. 99+21.8. 99+21.8

sorry for the crap post. I'll be back to writing blogs worth reading tomorrow, scouts honor.

Bonjour

Hello world,

I've decided that since I'm such a fabulous writer,

I may as well create my own blog and share my brilliance

with everybody on the internet

I'd like to take this time to say what this blog is going to be about:

sex drugs and rock and roll

no, not actually,

I'll blog about my eating disorder

my mental family

and anything else that pops up into my brain

Some posts will be happy, some sad, some will offend people

and some might just be funny

we shall see

<3>