Salut!

Quick update:

been working tons lately

focusing on school for exams

Marcus and I are doing superb

I have been binge and purge free for a couple days now (binge=5, purge=3)

and...

I'm down to 99+15.0 !!!!

I've made a plan to get down to 99+8.0 by june 23rd (going to take my time and leave room for plateuas) It is 7 pounds in 5 weeks

The only problem I see will be me getting to them gym

but now that I have a proper car, there is no excuse anymore!

Have a great long weekend, I'll check back in soon!

kumbaya

Hey lovelies!

So I'm quite sick, but the weather is beautiful outside, so I decided to brave a bikini to tan

bad idea. fatfatfatfat. purgeypurgepurge. Should have seen that coming.

Eating oatmeal right now, then going to do my hair and nails, go outside (in normal clothes)

work on my garden, do homework then go to the gym for 3 hours. Today started off crap

But I will make it good.

I will be thin, I deserve it. We all deserve it.

"All of us are better when we're lovedthin"

Dear Lord, have mercy on us

Sorry I have not posted in a while, things have been hectic in my life

ummmmm

I've been thinking a lot

I hate when people get better

I want to be sicker in every sense of the word

I fail at being religious

Why can't I see my collar bones

My teeth are kind of wiggly

Why do I chose food over relationships

I'll never be stick thin in time for school in the fall, let alone summer

My thoughts revolve around food, boyfriend and school, in that order

My grandma wants to start a diet (like 500 cals a day) type thing so I said I would do it with her.

Going to try not purge every day, or only once a day

also going to walk once a day to tanning

also I want to stop therapy

Have a great Easter, God Bless, may his favour and forgiveness rain down upon us all from the heavens for all our sins. Amen.

She lied

Diet? Diet my ass. Last time I checked, diets don't make a person gain 3-4 pounds in two days.

I am off her diet now, it probably works for larger people, but not me.

Today I stayed home from school, gonna write this damned dissertation if it kills me,

then off to the gym from 5-8 (spin class, weight training, yoga class), then back home, do my hair and nails for work, maybe work on physics

There is this thing in my skills group in therapy that we do called "describe" without interpretations (ie the person in the picture has blonde hair, smiling and has her hand in the air instead of the blond girl is happy and waving) and it is really hard to do, but i'm trying to do it with people when I think they are being mean to me on purpose and instead i use just the facts, and it helps a lot, which makes me feel better because it isn't always directed at me, so then I don't b/p or get bummed out,

I guess if you don't do DBT or have BPD, it doesn't make sense, but it will help with my weight.

fact: a binge has momentary satisfaction.

fact:the gym for 3 hours might feel unpleasant and long, but there is a chance you will be down a couple pounds tomorrow, which will make the day brighter and you're more likely to do well.

fact: I am going to stop blogging because I am postponing my dissertation again.

I might not blog this weekend, because I have university course selection,work all 3 nights and oodles more homework, so,

have a gooder! see y'all monday!

Broth is my best friend

Veggie broth

Beef broth

Chicken broth

I love them all. They are my saviors.

I woke up at the same weight today, but I'm going to stay positive

yesterday i ate oatmeal (110) a chicken breast with spices (110) a bit of salsa (25) for a total of 245, which I am alright with

Today, I have eaten a banana (100) and my uncle is taking me to dinner at my (used to be) favorite italian restaurant. I am only going to have some lobster bisque (a soup type thing, 250 ish cals per cup) but not all of it! and a small slice of bread (if I'm forced) and tea and perhaps a bit of salad.

I got my grad pictures today. My cheeks look so fat and disgusting, my chin looks wide , my hair looks dry, I look oily, I could go on...

I'f I am not two pounds smaller by tomorrow, I will kill something.

I must lose those two pounds before my period comes! (which I think is soon, I'm so bad with figuring it out)

I have a massage today, went to the bank to talk about student loans and visas and tanned

I will NOT wreck this day with food!

going to go back and eat my broth now..mmmm broth.....

There she goes again

Salut mes amours!

Sorry for the disappearing off the face of the earth!

The past week I went snowboarding (SO sore from it) and had such an amazing time

hardly ate while I was there,

on top of the mountain, it was so peaceful and I felt like I could fly, nothing else mattered but the fresh powder...I sound like a space job, but really, it was exactly what I needed

I also suffered a couple day migraine, which means I didn't eat for a couple days,

woke up 3 pounds lighter, which isn't too shabby, going to keep this weight loss rolling, NO EXCUSES, SO sick of being a huge whale.

Also picking out my schedule for uni and it'S creating a bunch of riffs but I won't let it bring me down.

I can feel my hip bones, see my ribs a bit and my collar bones, which is fine, but not good enough at all.

Now that you have all sat on your bums and read this post, drop down and give me 20 situps and 15 jumping jacks! Hah, just kidding (but you should do it anyway)

I'll blog tomorrow too, promise! (going to start posting my intake too, gaah)

WEEOO

Salut!

I am feeling so productive!

I have painted my nails, watched Criminal Minds, attempted physics, did my server quizzes, have done everything to avoid doing my dissertation and projects, and now I have had espresso and am ready for an all nighter

Got a new phone again, this one better work longer than just a couple hours, silly blackberrys

I went down a pound from yesterday, woohoo (not enough, but at least it is a drop)

Marcus and I are hell bent on fixing us (YAY. I am seriously in love with this guy and am going to try harder to be the best I can be to myself for him and to him)

AH CAFFEINE I LOVE YOU

going camping all weekend, then to Lake Louise for some mad shreddage next weekend

Happy st patty's day tomorrow! I work and then am skipping going out to do schoolwork (yay priorities, Lord give me strength!)

ok, that is it! Back to school work and coffee and stretching and Operation Barbarossa!

xxoxoxooox

Quelle belle journée!

Salut mes chouettes!
Aujourd'hui, j'ai appliqué pour l'université!
J'ai hâte a voir si je serai acceptée!

....
I'm feeling very french today because i applied for university en français!
I'm quite excited because it means nobody making me eat and I never have to speak english in real life again!
WOOHOO
Last night I binged, I had some Munchies and some frog candies
but I woke up today half a pound lighter!
99+23.4
disgusting! I've gained 6 pounds in a couple months, this is gross
I am fixing it
looking at thinspo and binge prevention (yay PT)
I also got invited to go out tomorrow night with people at school
I am feeling good!!
Passez une merveilleuse nuit, je m'en vais au gym, puis je vais me bronzer!

Just smile

I really want somebody to make my blog look pretty

I want my blog to reflect me

but just like my life and my style, it doesn't

oh well

went to school today and I only drank water and tea

time for some Castle, BBT and and Heavy <3

"Are you from Ireland? Because you've got my penis Dublin"

HAHAHAHA

have a great night xox

Happy hump day

Every time I puke, my nose bleeds

Every time I work out, I gain weight

I'm failing English, no idea how

I'm not going to therapy

My boyfriend will prob break up with me soon

That's all there is to report

Why do you have tampons? "I get really bad nosebleeds"

After my drug fandango, I now get nose bleeds every time I purge

It doesn't bug me too too terribly, but it's quite annoying

I have nothing else to report really,

Still at the same weight, went to the gym, doing homework

Sometimes I feel like if I was dead, my family would be less stressed( 100% true)

And then I realize that everybody's life would be better if my BPD went away and I was fat

Then I say, no, just the BPD can leave, I'm fine with my ED, we're best friends.

My therapist is back Tuesday, yay!

For my english class, we had to write a persuasive essay on a controversial topic, I chose pro-ana websites, but I wrote it in such a way that you can't tell that I have an ED. win? maybe.

I'll blog when I have something interesting to say,

xox

When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade, it has too many calories

So, I calmed down after my last post, it was a little extreme, but that is how I am. Black and White. Extremes and Intensity. My boyfriend has left today, and I have lost but two pounds since the first. I am extremely disappointed in myself. Also, my individual therapy has been cancelled because her mom is dying back in Japan. This is two months now, no wonder I'm going stark mad. All my walls are being put back up and I'm beginning to get angry and blank. But no! I must think positive, think of five things in my life that are good:

1. Nikki and I are on a binge-free week and we've done amazing up to date
2. My financial situation may possibly be turned around in a week
3. I have the determination to study every night for my math diploma in three weeks
4. I am losing weight
5. I have a wonderful support system of friends, family and internet stalkers

I'm going to be blog as much as I can while I cram quadratic formulas and statistics in my brain so I do not binge and keep you all informed of my very very boring life that, at the moment, revolves around starving, puking and equations.

ps- thinspiration-pictures.blogspot.com saves my life. Check it out.

pps- I'm sad that some of the blogs I follow have stopped posting for weeks now, and it makes me sad

ppps-The sun in shining and so shall I

Percy, G Strings and a full out makeout sesh

So my days lately have been horrible.

I caught up on all my school work, have tanned every day (NEVER use tingler- i was a red brown chick for a longer time) and woke up at 7 am. It sounds all great except for the fact that I have eaten enough food to have a food baby, purge enough to pass out numerous times and see blood and go up in weight.

I had a group therapy thing last night and was in no mood to go. I was sarcastic and chewed on my pen the whole time, then left at break. Not a happy crazy girl yesterday, let me tell you.

BUT even though life is the pits, my boyfriend leaves monday ( =( ) which means that I can work out every day and school starts so I won't have any chances or excuses to binge at all. ( =) )

Now to the most important issue at hand: New Years Resolution 2011

-I resolve to not have any periods in 2011

-I also resolve to not break up with my boyfriend impulsively

Have a great New Years Eve I shall blog on Monday, as boyfriend darling is taking me away to a romantic hotel getaway all NY weekend

xoxox

ps-The picture was when I was 116 in summer. I look 12 and am pretending to stuff my face with chips. This picture always makes me smile, because I am such a loser.

Long as a japanese sword-selling Chinaman's beard

this is going to be a really long post and I apologize in advance.
There are three things in my brain right now: weight control, school and my boyfriend.

1) Weight Control:
I just saw a picture of me on facebook. And i Look so fucking fat. I haven't eaten since monday. I will not eat until I get my scale back, which is friday. I am going insane without it right now. I don't have the time to go to the gym after school because I have to do homework and I don't have the energy to get up at 5 this week to go to the gym beforehand due the fasting.
My bf and I are visiting his family in manitoba saturday-thursday, and I am not allowed to bring my scale and they probably have tons of food. "Sweetie, your girlfriend sure does go to the bathroom a lot after supper and she drinks a lot of water. She didn't want to eat any of my homebaked cookies." YA. I'm apparently going to be that fucking girlfriend.
recap: boyfriend<=weightloss
2)School:
I really need to quit. Or go to school more. I just get so effing depressed and don't leave my cave of solitude (ie basement) And when I go to class, I' actually quite smart, and catch up, but it takes all my time. If i weren't so sad and messed up, I would have been done school two years ago. My boyfriend has date a nineteen year old highschooler. How embarrassing for him. I'm embarrassed too and tell everybody I'm just upgrading all my stuff and converting it to real french so I can go to university in all french (that part is true). If I can ever go to fucking class.
recap: depression=missed classes=mad catch up=bad marks=no university=skinny + dead cj
go to school=good grades=francophone university=skinny + happy cj

3)My boyfriend:
He's too good for me. I'm with him because he's and caring and kind and a complete loser at heart, attractive and crazy about me. The problem is that he makes me happy with myself and want to do something with my life and eat and be "healthy" But the second he leaves I get depressed and purge for days on end because I' so disgusted with what I turn into around him. We fight about me not "revealing my feelings" He snoops through my phone and created a fake prettythin account to check up on me because he's concerned. I bet he's somehow found my blog too. The thing that will break us apart is my purging. Who wants to be with a girl who pukes everything she eats up until she blacks out and who won't get help because she enjoys killing her body and being skinny.
recap: boyfriend=reason to live/reason to hate self

I'm going to Chinatown after physics (which I'm obviously not paying attention in) to go buy my little brother a sword for christmas (don't ask, it's a long story...), maybe I'll be overcome with japanese traditional yearning (because the shop and sword is japanese...in chinatown...) and eat some sushi. It's easy to purge and it's not like I'm wearing makeup today anyway.

It's a beautiful lie

Double posting in one night: I suck.

I was sitting here and looked up a song on youtube I listened to a month ago

It made me cry and want to recover

It made me want to be beautiful

And realize that I'm beautiful

I listened to it not even five minutes ago

and i cried, but not for the same reasons

I want to be beautiful by being skinny

I want to be happy, I want to go to school

I want to finally graduate (two years late)

I want my family to be proud of me

I want a mother fucking hug.

Fuck you sad songs.

This is the song (CLICK IT)

Today's blog brought to you by the letter F

Wake up at 7 to my grandma looming over my bed (how the eff did she get into my locked basement?) "You going to school today?" I say I don't know."FINE!"*light goes off, doors slam* and i sleep. Wake up at 11: Let's try this again

get out of bed. pee. walk to scale.

99+21.8 pounds. get off. wash face, try again

99+21.8 pounds

Walk to my couch -11:15

I stayed on that couch until 330 when i finally decided that 99+21.8 pounds was not going to go away if I sat on my ass all day. so i started to clean and do laundry. Then I went and worked out for 3 hours.

Now I am eating some beef broth and my blackberry has decided to delete my bbm while my trackpad is busted. so it is completely useless.

I wonder if I watched pokemon enough I could just become a character in the story? I should go to bed before I binge cut or cry.

recap of day:

1) locked basement gets broken into by fat grandma

2) missed school

3) worked out for 3 hours

4)ate broth, drank water

5) blackberry broke

6) wondered how I could kill myself and be put back on earth in a perfect body and good home

7) 99+21.8. 99+21.8. 99+21.8

sorry for the crap post. I'll be back to writing blogs worth reading tomorrow, scouts honor.

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard...and all the girls to the toilet

So I should probably do the whole "10 facts about me" thing,
so you all aren't feeling like you're following a robot
1) My name is CJ
2) I am slightly on the mad side of sane.
3) I'm not a fan of purging, but I do it on a regular basis
4) If you don't like Disney or Pokemon, you may hate my blog as these two things will be mentioned at one point or another
5) I live with my baby brother and my grandmother

I have changed the "10 things" to "5 things" as 5 things are all I can think of.

now to the real part of my blog:

I'm sitting in my basement, watching pokemon and posting on PT
and i am angry
angry at my family who keep buying copious amounts of bread
(is there a sale on loaves of bread somewhere? they should really stop)
I'm angry that I have not done my homework yet
Angry that I dont want to sleep
and angry that my grandma took the car without letting me know
(so much for me tanning and working out for four hours)

On the plus side,
I've drank tons of water
and I am actually contemplating cleaning my room.

I didn't weigh today, as my scale was upstairs (thaaanks grandma) and I am hiding in my basement (since yesterday) I will weigh tomorrow. Tomorrow's post with either be decently happy or horridly depressing.