TV junkie

Normal thinspo doesn't make me happy anymore
They're never skinny enough
never enough bones
I want bones
I need bones

There was an Intervention episode today (Tiffany) and it struck really close to home, because she has a 10 month old kid who her grandparents are taking care of while she disappears for days on end doing meth. In the end she left rehab early and is back doing drugs. I'm relieved that it ended like that. If she ended up getting better and being a proper mom, I would probably have cried and been filled with anger that she would do that, but not my own mum. Fucking reality tv
The midget on Heavy made it a bit better, he started out fatter around then he was tall (hee hee)
The man and I are fighting because I am gonna go rail some snow tomorrow with the ex bf (whos paying for it all) drama rama who cares gonna snort it all away
I wish I had more money for drugs so i could get skinnier quicker and have fun doing it
oh well, i'll be fat and broke

everybody youtube "christain praises god for tragedy in japan"
she is one of the reasons people hate my God. boo to her

goodnight, this was an ecclectic mix of topics
will post my weight tomorrow gaahh

Truth is beautiful; Without doubt, But so are Lies

How old is Ben Affleck? Actually, I don't care. I just want him. He is far too yummy. It's the weekend soon, and tomorrow I will be snowboarding with my friend (and by snowboarding I mean doing blow) so I will be losing 3-4 pounds by monday. Hooray!

I hope you are all having a good week, sorry I've been such a downer lately, but my money is finally coming in (I'm getting money every month to go to school, woohoo) so life is looking up and I want to keep it that way.

Nose no longer bleeds when I purge, and I've been doing a lot lately (up to 5 times a day again) so hooray for no more nose bleeds!

Stay strong, we'll all be able to get there soon, I know it!

Why do you have tampons? "I get really bad nosebleeds"

After my drug fandango, I now get nose bleeds every time I purge

It doesn't bug me too too terribly, but it's quite annoying

I have nothing else to report really,

Still at the same weight, went to the gym, doing homework

Sometimes I feel like if I was dead, my family would be less stressed( 100% true)

And then I realize that everybody's life would be better if my BPD went away and I was fat

Then I say, no, just the BPD can leave, I'm fine with my ED, we're best friends.

My therapist is back Tuesday, yay!

For my english class, we had to write a persuasive essay on a controversial topic, I chose pro-ana websites, but I wrote it in such a way that you can't tell that I have an ED. win? maybe.

I'll blog when I have something interesting to say,

xox

One pill makes you larger and one pill makes you small

SO last night I was really bummed out

I had eaten some broth around 3 pm, and was feeling pretty low about life. Then my good friend called me to hang out. We bought:

Water

20 cal gatorade (for him, not I)

Smokes

5 gs of coke

10 pm-730am rail rail rail

We talked about everything and I feel really good about life, but I feel like death because of the come down of coke (its usually not that bad for me, but nine and a half hours of constant railing will make you feel like poop) . I ended up popping 4 sleep aids (melanonin or something) which helped me feel normal before my appointment. Not doing drugs again this year, talked to the lead therapist in my program and we've concocted a way that I might actually pass my school year and get into university! Now all I have to do is survive my home life.

Once I got home, I napped from 5pm to 11pm. I feel great now, weighed myself just for fun and am back at 99+19.4! Not the greatest number but yaaa teens! 99+16 by monday? I sure hope so!

Mad craving a waffle, but screw that bird! I'm stronger than that!

I'm feeling good, I'm feeling motivated about life, I feel like this is our time to shine!

Too conflicted for a post that makes sense

I want to scream

I want to cry

I want to cut

I want to purge

I want to die

I want I want I want

I need self control

I need others to believe I am horrible

I need to go upstairs and take pills

I need to find my razor

I need to let my boyfriend go before I drag him down

I need I need I fucking need

to dissappear

She will wear you out, livin la vida loca

So I haven't blogged in a couple days because

i was livin la vida loca!

In reality, I was christmas shopping like MAD and I went out dancing two nights in a row.

my GAWD. I have not been out forever, and I forgot how much men and boys alike enjoy trying to grope my bum. It makes me convinced i need to get skinny so much quicker so they have nothing to grab next time I go dancing.

mood: Depressed

the fat woman that lives upstairs has yet again broken into my basement.

she has taken, yes, TAKEN my scale and hid it.

"You can have this back every friday, but youre obsessed."

HI im CJ and i have an EATING DISORDER. DUH

I have scoured the house for my buried treasure but it is nowhere to be found.

While christmas shopping, i may or may not have stolen numerous panties (XS) shirts (XS) and even managed to somehow get hollister jeans (1-uugh). The shopping god must realize I am broke and decided to lend me a hand

how all of those things fit into my tiny purse is still a mystery to me,

on a more morbid note,

i wonder how much a gun costs, for those just incase circumstances when life looks a little too unpleasant. I've already done the od thing, the slicing myself up from nave to nape, seems this way might be a bit more interesting.

gabby: I love your questions, ask whatever you like (that goes to all my other internet stalkers too). I do coke and shrooms. I used to smoke weed but it makes me paranoid sometimes and I popped e but disliked it. i will never try meth or heroin or anything because, despite the fact i am an avid cutter and see my own blood on a regular basis, sticking a sharp object in my vein makes me queasy.

last meal: thursday night (purged). last time i drank water: cant remember. last time i tried to purge: when i woke up (i must be mad) weight: 99+????

I hope your weekends were as starved and calorie burned as mine.

ps- I wrote a poem (i'm not the greatest at poetry) and I'm debating posting it. but i dont want to be laughed at.

I'm a rock.et.man. Rocketman

Nothing to report this evening except

OH

my grandmother has snuck into my basement

(yet again)

and stolen my scale.

who steals an anorexic's scale?

really grandmother? really?!?

so cw: freakouttime

gabby: I'll do almost whatever comes my way:

coke, shrooms, e, acid, weed

but no meth heroin or anything like that

because ewww neeeeeedles!!!!

(note: I am not a drug addict.

some people take diet pills

some drink coffee,

I'll rail some snow every once in a while)

My feet look bonier, the fat transferred to my face

Today has been quite an adventure, mes ami(e)s!

first off, I live with my grandma because I have no money to my name

and she took me in when I was a year old

and I love her to death, crazy and fat as she is.

No school again today, but three and a half hours of therapy. Merde.

No, I am not mad enough to have three and a half hours all to myself, though, I would quite enjoy talking about myself for that amount of time. It was family therapy and a group on "building distress tolerance skills".

The irony to this, kids, is I bought an almond milk steamer with sugar free vanilla prior to group, and purged twice while group was in session. Some distress tolerance skills I have...

Speaking of that, I purged, four? Five times today? Six perhaps-I've lost count, my head is fuzzy.

I had spots of blood, which reminded me of periods and how I desperately wish not to have them.

Periods are rank. Bodily functions in general gross me out. Has anybody ever said to you "I love it when you excrete mucus and lining from where my mouth will be?" I really hope nobody has said this to you, if they do, there is a good possibility they are a cannibal. I would run. The moral to that story is this: I will be so happy when I wake up and my period decides not to come again because I'm finally thin enough again.

99+19.6 on the scale today, at least I went down, but if I had worked out longer, I KNOW i would have been down to 99+18. Damn having to rely on others and their automated transportation systems. I honestly wish I could ride my horse across the barley field and into town. (True story, I used to do that in grade six all the time. Ok, I did it once, but still...) Sadly, there is no barley, no horse and no town anymore. I am stuck in the suburbs of life where public transit enjoys making me fat and miserable.

I'm developing a plan for my life in the next few weeks:

part 1) go to school part 2) do homework part 3) do copious amounts of mind altering drugs so I have the energy to perform these tasks part 4) lose massive amounts of weight because said drugs make me forget to eat part 5) do not let boyfriend, grandmother or teachers find out about said plan.

I feel this is a realistic plan if I can convince my ex boyfriend to pay for my drugs.

on a side note,

DRUGS ARE BAD. PURGING IS BAD. USING MEN SHAMELESSLY IS BAD. getting everything you want, however, is priceless.

Good night world,

hopefully, i have better humor and more interesting tales to tell. (life is drab when it only consists of waking up, bingeing, purging and going to therapy)

PS-my highlighted text is hard to read sometimes, I am aware. Too bad. The pretty colours remind me of spring, which seems too far away...