Salut!

Quick update:

been working tons lately

focusing on school for exams

Marcus and I are doing superb

I have been binge and purge free for a couple days now (binge=5, purge=3)

and...

I'm down to 99+15.0 !!!!

I've made a plan to get down to 99+8.0 by june 23rd (going to take my time and leave room for plateuas) It is 7 pounds in 5 weeks

The only problem I see will be me getting to them gym

but now that I have a proper car, there is no excuse anymore!

Have a great long weekend, I'll check back in soon!

The only thing that matters is Your love

Today I ate zero things. aside from a quarter of a beet and a chocolate bunny head (which I purged)

I have drank only water and went to a spin class and almost fainted

yay skinny

must lose a minimum of three pounds by thursday so I can wear my parliament skirt to parliament

I went shopping and everything was xs or s, which made me content

also, I am becoming such a sap. Which, if you don't really know me, won't be a big deal, but really, it is. I'm in such a 'i want to be a stay at home mom later and get married and go for family walks and play couples bridge' mindset, which I'm sure Marcus is sick of (not that I say these things, but just the me talking about the future so much ) and I don't blame him.

I better be down at least a pound tomorrow!

ps- I have been reading all your blogs, but I just haven't commented lately, because I am at a loss of words lately. I do still care, and when I get my head out of my bum, I'll start commenting again :)

Dear Lord, have mercy on us

Sorry I have not posted in a while, things have been hectic in my life

ummmmm

I've been thinking a lot

I hate when people get better

I want to be sicker in every sense of the word

I fail at being religious

Why can't I see my collar bones

My teeth are kind of wiggly

Why do I chose food over relationships

I'll never be stick thin in time for school in the fall, let alone summer

My thoughts revolve around food, boyfriend and school, in that order

My grandma wants to start a diet (like 500 cals a day) type thing so I said I would do it with her.

Going to try not purge every day, or only once a day

also going to walk once a day to tanning

also I want to stop therapy

Have a great Easter, God Bless, may his favour and forgiveness rain down upon us all from the heavens for all our sins. Amen.

Day 1 + 2 of the 'diet'

Yesterday wasn't as much food as I thought she would make me eat, I started at 99+21 lbs (gross, please don't judge), had oatmeal (110) , chicken (110) salad +dressing (20), bit of salmon (50), more salad (20) for a total of 310 calories.

Then I worked for 4 hours. (heels + stairs + running around because it was mad busy= calories burned) The night before I had gone dancing for 3 hours in heels after working a bit too.

I'm not allowed to weigh myself today which sucks but whatever

Nikki and I are doing a plan: NO bingeing for 3 days and at least 1 hour of exercise and no weighing till it's done, nervous but we can do this!! <3 <3 <3

Gonna go to goodlife tonight and do a body pump class (weights and abs and what not) and then yoga for 75 mins with my little brother!

It started out as a crap day and a crap weekend, but has turned alright

Today for the diet I had oatmeal (110) and a peanut butter dill pickle sandwich (250?) (they were my favorite sammie as a kid) and for supper some type of seafood (dunno what it will be)

gotta get a bday prezzie for my man too, probably book on some animal person and a sexy little outfit, gosh I hope have enough money

Have a great night! <3 <3

Marcus proposed!!

It was amazingly cute, we went to the zoo

and he arranged a hippo seeing

and a private dinner

it

was

amazing!

APRIL FOOLS!!

hahh did I fool any of you?

Gosh I could not get married yet,

a) not until i'm 99 pounds

b) not until I finish uni

c) not until I am 21 at least, because my grandma would kill me

Speaking of her, she said she would pay for my gym membership and that of my baby brothers too if I follow her diet for a week (weight watchers type thing)

but it is around 900 calories a day, which scares me to death, and she will monitor my purging too

she will probably take away my scale for the week too

I went shopping today and got: a jean jacket, a flowery pencil skirt, a tank top, 2 bandeaus, a button down shirt, a silky shirt, a sexy bra+pantie combo and a bunch of rings, necklaces and a bangle all for UNDER 100$ what a great day

have a great weekend everybody!

WEEOO

Salut!

I am feeling so productive!

I have painted my nails, watched Criminal Minds, attempted physics, did my server quizzes, have done everything to avoid doing my dissertation and projects, and now I have had espresso and am ready for an all nighter

Got a new phone again, this one better work longer than just a couple hours, silly blackberrys

I went down a pound from yesterday, woohoo (not enough, but at least it is a drop)

Marcus and I are hell bent on fixing us (YAY. I am seriously in love with this guy and am going to try harder to be the best I can be to myself for him and to him)

AH CAFFEINE I LOVE YOU

going camping all weekend, then to Lake Louise for some mad shreddage next weekend

Happy st patty's day tomorrow! I work and then am skipping going out to do schoolwork (yay priorities, Lord give me strength!)

ok, that is it! Back to school work and coffee and stretching and Operation Barbarossa!

xxoxoxooox

TV junkie

Normal thinspo doesn't make me happy anymore
They're never skinny enough
never enough bones
I want bones
I need bones

There was an Intervention episode today (Tiffany) and it struck really close to home, because she has a 10 month old kid who her grandparents are taking care of while she disappears for days on end doing meth. In the end she left rehab early and is back doing drugs. I'm relieved that it ended like that. If she ended up getting better and being a proper mom, I would probably have cried and been filled with anger that she would do that, but not my own mum. Fucking reality tv
The midget on Heavy made it a bit better, he started out fatter around then he was tall (hee hee)
The man and I are fighting because I am gonna go rail some snow tomorrow with the ex bf (whos paying for it all) drama rama who cares gonna snort it all away
I wish I had more money for drugs so i could get skinnier quicker and have fun doing it
oh well, i'll be fat and broke

everybody youtube "christain praises god for tragedy in japan"
she is one of the reasons people hate my God. boo to her

goodnight, this was an ecclectic mix of topics
will post my weight tomorrow gaahh

Women who straddle

I have a thing for tall skinny boys

especially asian (im such a weirdo)

my little brother loves his anime and made me watch all of the Death Note series

(Actually exceeded my expectations)

and then the first movie of two

And L is my hot, hot sex.

I am going to find this lanky asian

and make beautiful, smart, mocha babies with him

mmm Ken'ichi Matsuyama please move to Canada and speak french with me

none of you even want to know my weight

my grandma dissapeared and left me to take care of my little brother yesterday

and I am so angry at her but thanks to chatting about boys with Gabby, I didn't binge/purge all of my feelings

but somehow my weight still sucks,

oh well, fasting time tomorrow till Friday!

next week's Heavy stars a 250 pound midget

(IM EXCITED!)

I miss ms Nikki and am super excited to hear all the deets of her mini vacay

I should be a movie critic, I've watched, no joke, at least 50 hours of movies in 3 weeks

and have done zip homework.

oops, oh well!

ps-everybody check out Mother Mother's video "the stand", love it!

If I had a type then baby it would be you

Salut!

So I fasted (minus a small bowl of tom soup) for 2 days and lost 4 pounds!

now at 99+19.4 slight progress, but progress none the less

but I had copious amounts of spaghetti, a bit of cookie dough and cereal today,

I justified the cereal because I almost fainted before work

but that is no excuse

and the others I just binged

but I'm going to fast again until Monday

I'll eat on the days I work, but not crazy like I did today

and I am going to work out tomorrow morning

I'm having a good day aside from the binge

Went out last night, it wasn't perfect but I had fun and it made me miss my boyfriend,

I'm turning into such a sap, oh well, c'est la vie

Have a great weekend mes ami(e)s!

Wait until Sharon sees...

Just chopped off all my hair.

It was down to my mid-boob

now it's at my ears.

Pretty sure I tore something in my knee too.

Mental breakdown=dumping boyfriend

bald fat gimpy lesbian?

Success

Intervention: "CJ"

I want to be fat skinny. I want to not be bent over the toilet until I pass out. 
I hate my stomach. My scars. The words etched into my body. The judgements that follow me wherever I go when people notice them. I want to be free of this condemned shell. I want to be happy. I don't want to look at the blob in the mirror anymore. I don't want to face the reality that I have become. I want to see a happy girl. Clear skin. Toned body. Smiling face. Long silky hair. Beautiful collar bones. Concave stomach. A boyfriend who's smile does not try in vain to mask sadness and despair. 
Do you hear what I'm saying? I don't want the life I live anymore. I don't want this eating disorder. But I don't want to be fat. Don't you see? This is the only way I'll be happy. I will lose friends, family, opportunities, self respect, everything, on this path. But I can always create new friends, family isn't everything, self-respect can be rebuilt and opportunities will come again.
I'm willing to sacrifice everything to shed this skin, be a new, thinner person I will be proud of, what are you willing to lose?

Happy hump day

Every time I puke, my nose bleeds

Every time I work out, I gain weight

I'm failing English, no idea how

I'm not going to therapy

My boyfriend will prob break up with me soon

That's all there is to report

The little train that could

I would like to dedicate this post to three special people.

1) Gabby- Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou. Thank you for reading my blog, for being my friend on pt and for keeping me sane on the interweb. Your comments and your blog posts make me realize I'm not alone and I can't give up because my world is bigger than just me.

2)Nikki- You are my stronghold in the real world. We don't talk about anything too in depth personal wise, and that makes me feel good, because I have to force myself to be cheery and positive, which in the end, saves me from myself and doing stupid things to myself. If we didn't text every day, I really don't know how I would have made it this far. That sounds a bit extreme, so sorry for that, but really, you give me supreme strength.

3)Marcus (alias)- Thank you for being my boyfriend. For finding me bleeding to death and overdosed when we only first started dating and saving my life. Thank you for putting up with my depression, my lost faith, my borderline personality disorder and the horrible words I throw at you. I'm glad that you are still here. I am aware your love is conditional and I don't want to lose you. You make me want to better myself and stay in school.

I've been such a debbie downer lately and I'm trying to find my footing and focus on the really important things in life such as exercise, Pokemon and getting better. Bear with me a little longer, I shall be back to my old self soon if I really focus on what matters.

I truly love you all, more than I can ever express in words and actions,

CJ

Have you ever been hungry? Too hungry to eat?

So I haven'T blogged in five days because I had a horrible five days.

recap:

1) cut up my stomach. Will probably scar. Byebye bikini (not that I would wear one anyway, my fat and other scars are bad enough)

2) Friday night, car ended up in a ditch, just got it back today

3) My boyfriend wouldn't let me bring my scale to his house all weekend, so I am fat I believe

4) Been daydreaming about hanging myself in my shower because I will fail school so why bother

5) I got kicked out of group because I missed too many (2 of which were NOT my fault at ALL)

6) I have the worst craving for some blow and a razor

I'm going to fast this week, attempt school, stay sane, drink coffee, purge and cut.

Ahh, the life of a depressed, starved, puking, borderline cutter is full of wonderful things, isn't it

I M 4 U, S I M, 4 F R, N F R N F R

I am so fat compared to one of my friends

She must be 90 pounds

I was looking at my facebook and noticed a picture and I am sitting here wanting to puke and cut and cry because I am a mammoth. A behemoth. A whale. A disgrace to my ed. I am going to go to the toilet and puke my bloody brains out and then go for a walk outside. I don't want to, but I am going to show this body who is boss.

When I come back from visiting my boyfriend this weekend I am fasting for a week. no excuses. I will buy my own pack of cigarettes!

Who knows if I will finish school? I do not wish to go at all this week. I am far too stressed and I missed group again. Oops. I am down half a pound however. Yipee.

I was trying to explain to my boyfriend how there was no pollock in my house (80 cals, it was my safe food today) so I almost cried and he said "This makes me really wonder how you'll handle real life problems" eff you too buddy. But he made up for that comment by sending me something Pokémon related (I can't say what it is, in case he ever reads my blog, because he'll never be an adorable nerd again if I spilled the beans)

okay, that's it! So stay strong, don't eat, stay motivated and don't die yet

*** I went to the bathroom to puke and I always weigh myself before and after, and my scale was not there. How the FUCK did she get in here and take it again. No walk now, I am getting my razors ready. I will puke when I'm done***

Too conflicted for a post that makes sense

I want to scream

I want to cry

I want to cut

I want to purge

I want to die

I want I want I want

I need self control

I need others to believe I am horrible

I need to go upstairs and take pills

I need to find my razor

I need to let my boyfriend go before I drag him down

I need I need I fucking need

to dissappear

When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade, it has too many calories

So, I calmed down after my last post, it was a little extreme, but that is how I am. Black and White. Extremes and Intensity. My boyfriend has left today, and I have lost but two pounds since the first. I am extremely disappointed in myself. Also, my individual therapy has been cancelled because her mom is dying back in Japan. This is two months now, no wonder I'm going stark mad. All my walls are being put back up and I'm beginning to get angry and blank. But no! I must think positive, think of five things in my life that are good:

1. Nikki and I are on a binge-free week and we've done amazing up to date
2. My financial situation may possibly be turned around in a week
3. I have the determination to study every night for my math diploma in three weeks
4. I am losing weight
5. I have a wonderful support system of friends, family and internet stalkers

I'm going to be blog as much as I can while I cram quadratic formulas and statistics in my brain so I do not binge and keep you all informed of my very very boring life that, at the moment, revolves around starving, puking and equations.

ps- thinspiration-pictures.blogspot.com saves my life. Check it out.

pps- I'm sad that some of the blogs I follow have stopped posting for weeks now, and it makes me sad

ppps-The sun in shining and so shall I

Percy, G Strings and a full out makeout sesh

So my days lately have been horrible.

I caught up on all my school work, have tanned every day (NEVER use tingler- i was a red brown chick for a longer time) and woke up at 7 am. It sounds all great except for the fact that I have eaten enough food to have a food baby, purge enough to pass out numerous times and see blood and go up in weight.

I had a group therapy thing last night and was in no mood to go. I was sarcastic and chewed on my pen the whole time, then left at break. Not a happy crazy girl yesterday, let me tell you.

BUT even though life is the pits, my boyfriend leaves monday ( =( ) which means that I can work out every day and school starts so I won't have any chances or excuses to binge at all. ( =) )

Now to the most important issue at hand: New Years Resolution 2011

-I resolve to not have any periods in 2011

-I also resolve to not break up with my boyfriend impulsively

Have a great New Years Eve I shall blog on Monday, as boyfriend darling is taking me away to a romantic hotel getaway all NY weekend

xoxox

ps-The picture was when I was 116 in summer. I look 12 and am pretending to stuff my face with chips. This picture always makes me smile, because I am such a loser.

Borderline Personality Disorder? Me? Never! HA

Back from manitoba. With a gut and boobs. I ate to be polite and I couldn't purge. They are nice people, but jesus christ do they eat. I am in pain from how swollen my belly is. I may cry writing this. Going to take some exlax (11 today, 11 tomorrow, 11 xmas, 7 boxing day) so by monday i will be empty and I can fast and run and get skinny again because I refuse to be fat.

Went and saw Black Swan with the bf tonight. STUNNING MOVIE. Natalie Portman's chest bones basically made me die they were so stunning. And the movie's ending... (I am going to be a spoiler here so I'm sorry), it made me cry and made me remember that it was my dream to die a white swan. Not through ballet, but once I'm finally over this struggle of getting back down to perfection, I want to die being perfect. My life will be short and sweet and have the perfect ending.

My best friend killed herself February 6th 2006, Almost five years ago. It will be five years in one month and two weeks. I am going to be a stick by that time in order to honor her and feel accomplished and grieve without worrying I'm not perfect enough for her.

I'd like to cry now, but I can't, as my boyfriend is here. I wish he was crazy like me and could understand what it's like to adapt to my surroundings so easily (manitoba, within a day I was talking in their accent) and feel such strong connections and needs to live out books and movies (I talk like them, and see the world though characters eyes for a couple days) I know what you'Re thinking "Why CJ! That's simply crazy!" HI. Im Coco and I'm Nuts.

Have a superb christmas, I'm going to try have sex and see if he even lets me jump his bones without "talking about our feelings" (Seriously, whooo is the girl is this relationship!)

ps- I will make this post pretty in the morning, I promise

"Ma Chérie! Une grenouille!"

Guess what?

This is my last post until christmas because my bf and I are on an adventure to meet his parents

and I promised him I would not do anything involving my ED (blog, prettythin, purge, weigh-ya, NO FUCKING SCALE THERE) until we get back to my place. I'm excited to get away from all this, but know that I will be freaked out and stressed the whole week. oh well, C'est la vie!

What have I eaten today you ask?

What haven't I eaten today:

1 packet oatmeal (130)

1 bag cheddar/sour cream chips (210)

2 waffles with butter and low fat syrup (350)

1 huge ass bowl off cereal with 1% milk (270)

6 cookies (390)

sweet potato fries with ranch (140)

TOTAL:1490

YA 1490. 1490. 1490. 1490.

what have I purged? does it eve

n matter?

how did this happen?

crazy old fat ladies enjoy stomping around the house yelling at me and throwing things at me until I eat and cry and until I puke. Yup, thats my life: bullied into eating by a 68 year old fat woman.

on a side note,

I have never seen this much food in a house before in my life.

this scares me

I hope the week before christmas going swimmingly for everyone.

I will catch up on everybodys blogs and comments when i get home.

Have a bingefree xmas lovelies!

you all keep me strong