Percy, G Strings and a full out makeout sesh

So my days lately have been horrible.

I caught up on all my school work, have tanned every day (NEVER use tingler- i was a red brown chick for a longer time) and woke up at 7 am. It sounds all great except for the fact that I have eaten enough food to have a food baby, purge enough to pass out numerous times and see blood and go up in weight.

I had a group therapy thing last night and was in no mood to go. I was sarcastic and chewed on my pen the whole time, then left at break. Not a happy crazy girl yesterday, let me tell you.

BUT even though life is the pits, my boyfriend leaves monday ( =( ) which means that I can work out every day and school starts so I won't have any chances or excuses to binge at all. ( =) )

Now to the most important issue at hand: New Years Resolution 2011

-I resolve to not have any periods in 2011

-I also resolve to not break up with my boyfriend impulsively

Have a great New Years Eve I shall blog on Monday, as boyfriend darling is taking me away to a romantic hotel getaway all NY weekend

xoxox

ps-The picture was when I was 116 in summer. I look 12 and am pretending to stuff my face with chips. This picture always makes me smile, because I am such a loser.

Star Wars Marathons is what Xmas is all about

i'm far too ashamed to blog properly today. I cooked for twelve people on Christmas Eve and I ate a bit of stuffing, sweet potatoes and a bunch of salad. Most of which I purged. Yesterday didn't feel like Christmas, everybody got me nice presents but I kept thinking about all the laxatives I would take. I purged three times at least- not nearly enough. Tomorrow, I'm going to weigh. Also, so my boyfriend doesn't bug me, I'm going to do the ABC diet (so over used but whatever, it will keep him off my back to see me eating) and workout. My days will be like so :

wake up @ 7, cuddle until 715

Go to the gym 830-11

tan 11:15-1130

school crap 12-5

who knows 5-bed

weigh when I wake up, after the gym, end of day. 3 times at least

New Years we're staying at a fancy hotel which will be nice, but no sex for him because I'll be on my period (thank GOD! We've had far too much sex lately because apparently I can't sit down properly lately)

I've decided that this is my last period. None in January, I will be too small by the time January is done and it's supposed to come.

I'll be a better blogger tomorrow when I'm not fat thanks to copious amounts of exlax

ps, I wish I had a friend in real life (not just texting) who had an ed. but maybe next year when I go to uni in a certain city a couple hours away from me I will :) Until then, my ed lover keeps me strong electronically and now she has a blog too! http://nikkiisnotmyname.blogspot.com

pps, Gabby, please start posting again, my interweb life is so drab without reading your morbidly humourous posts

ppps, thinking of posting a picture of two of myself and the chunk that surrounds me, but am undecided. Sugesstions?

pppps, I found out that I forgot to post some of my blogs that I wrote, so I posted them, see if you can find them

ppppps, I'm really done this post now i promise

Borderline Personality Disorder? Me? Never! HA

Back from manitoba. With a gut and boobs. I ate to be polite and I couldn't purge. They are nice people, but jesus christ do they eat. I am in pain from how swollen my belly is. I may cry writing this. Going to take some exlax (11 today, 11 tomorrow, 11 xmas, 7 boxing day) so by monday i will be empty and I can fast and run and get skinny again because I refuse to be fat.

Went and saw Black Swan with the bf tonight. STUNNING MOVIE. Natalie Portman's chest bones basically made me die they were so stunning. And the movie's ending... (I am going to be a spoiler here so I'm sorry), it made me cry and made me remember that it was my dream to die a white swan. Not through ballet, but once I'm finally over this struggle of getting back down to perfection, I want to die being perfect. My life will be short and sweet and have the perfect ending.

My best friend killed herself February 6th 2006, Almost five years ago. It will be five years in one month and two weeks. I am going to be a stick by that time in order to honor her and feel accomplished and grieve without worrying I'm not perfect enough for her.

I'd like to cry now, but I can't, as my boyfriend is here. I wish he was crazy like me and could understand what it's like to adapt to my surroundings so easily (manitoba, within a day I was talking in their accent) and feel such strong connections and needs to live out books and movies (I talk like them, and see the world though characters eyes for a couple days) I know what you'Re thinking "Why CJ! That's simply crazy!" HI. Im Coco and I'm Nuts.

Have a superb christmas, I'm going to try have sex and see if he even lets me jump his bones without "talking about our feelings" (Seriously, whooo is the girl is this relationship!)

ps- I will make this post pretty in the morning, I promise

"Ma Chérie! Une grenouille!"

Guess what?

This is my last post until christmas because my bf and I are on an adventure to meet his parents

and I promised him I would not do anything involving my ED (blog, prettythin, purge, weigh-ya, NO FUCKING SCALE THERE) until we get back to my place. I'm excited to get away from all this, but know that I will be freaked out and stressed the whole week. oh well, C'est la vie!

What have I eaten today you ask?

What haven't I eaten today:

1 packet oatmeal (130)

1 bag cheddar/sour cream chips (210)

2 waffles with butter and low fat syrup (350)

1 huge ass bowl off cereal with 1% milk (270)

6 cookies (390)

sweet potato fries with ranch (140)

TOTAL:1490

YA 1490. 1490. 1490. 1490.

what have I purged? does it eve

n matter?

how did this happen?

crazy old fat ladies enjoy stomping around the house yelling at me and throwing things at me until I eat and cry and until I puke. Yup, thats my life: bullied into eating by a 68 year old fat woman.

on a side note,

I have never seen this much food in a house before in my life.

this scares me

I hope the week before christmas going swimmingly for everyone.

I will catch up on everybodys blogs and comments when i get home.

Have a bingefree xmas lovelies!

you all keep me strong

Long as a japanese sword-selling Chinaman's beard

this is going to be a really long post and I apologize in advance.
There are three things in my brain right now: weight control, school and my boyfriend.

1) Weight Control:
I just saw a picture of me on facebook. And i Look so fucking fat. I haven't eaten since monday. I will not eat until I get my scale back, which is friday. I am going insane without it right now. I don't have the time to go to the gym after school because I have to do homework and I don't have the energy to get up at 5 this week to go to the gym beforehand due the fasting.
My bf and I are visiting his family in manitoba saturday-thursday, and I am not allowed to bring my scale and they probably have tons of food. "Sweetie, your girlfriend sure does go to the bathroom a lot after supper and she drinks a lot of water. She didn't want to eat any of my homebaked cookies." YA. I'm apparently going to be that fucking girlfriend.
recap: boyfriend<=weightloss
2)School:
I really need to quit. Or go to school more. I just get so effing depressed and don't leave my cave of solitude (ie basement) And when I go to class, I' actually quite smart, and catch up, but it takes all my time. If i weren't so sad and messed up, I would have been done school two years ago. My boyfriend has date a nineteen year old highschooler. How embarrassing for him. I'm embarrassed too and tell everybody I'm just upgrading all my stuff and converting it to real french so I can go to university in all french (that part is true). If I can ever go to fucking class.
recap: depression=missed classes=mad catch up=bad marks=no university=skinny + dead cj
go to school=good grades=francophone university=skinny + happy cj

3)My boyfriend:
He's too good for me. I'm with him because he's and caring and kind and a complete loser at heart, attractive and crazy about me. The problem is that he makes me happy with myself and want to do something with my life and eat and be "healthy" But the second he leaves I get depressed and purge for days on end because I' so disgusted with what I turn into around him. We fight about me not "revealing my feelings" He snoops through my phone and created a fake prettythin account to check up on me because he's concerned. I bet he's somehow found my blog too. The thing that will break us apart is my purging. Who wants to be with a girl who pukes everything she eats up until she blacks out and who won't get help because she enjoys killing her body and being skinny.
recap: boyfriend=reason to live/reason to hate self

I'm going to Chinatown after physics (which I'm obviously not paying attention in) to go buy my little brother a sword for christmas (don't ask, it's a long story...), maybe I'll be overcome with japanese traditional yearning (because the shop and sword is japanese...in chinatown...) and eat some sushi. It's easy to purge and it's not like I'm wearing makeup today anyway.

She who laughs last thinks the slowest

I don't want to purge.

My family made me eat a lean cuisine fettuccini alfredo -400 cals.

I am now in my basement,

I'm pretty sure they left the house

I want to eat everything in sight

I want to purge until I black out

But more than anything,

I want to let my body digest this food and nourish me.

But I'm going to go to the toilet now and puke till there's nothing left

because,

of course,

i'm not in control of my fucking body

**************************************************************

I feel much lighter. Light headed and shaky, but wonderfully empty. Took my vitamins just now-big mistake-and I am queasy as hell. I cannot puke these up or I will suffer far more than I am now.

On another note: In case anybody was wondering, im 5'10 and my cw (as of thursday) is 99+19.6

but it's all fat, no muscle anymore.

Anybody excited for christmas? I sure hope I am not the only person who enjoys carrolling and decorating and spreading good cheer (when I venture out of my cave of solitude)

I haven't slept since monday, I think i'll try to do that now,

as I have nothing else to write. Stay strong butterflies, I love you the way a blogger loves her followers (all four of you <3>

As short a post as a very short...;)

I need to leave my house. I have sat in bed all day. My basement looks like a party went down, except only coke zero and water were drank. (There is seriously 24 cans of pop and at least 10 water bottles) I want my scale. I feel too fat. I want to puke and cut.

heres the poem: (its very long. and it sucks ha)

Where have you gone

my beautiful girl

my one and only love

You've disappeared into

shadow and dispair

where I dare not follow

The lines on your face

tell no more of happiness

and a joyous life

But instead of fear

longing, and emotions

I cannot recognize

Where have you vanished

my effervescent light

my reason to stay on this earth

Underneath your rage

your layers of lies

are you still even there

Do you cling to your bones

and your toilet bowl

wishing they were instead I

Can you recall the days

of Sunday brunch

when your curves seduced me so

Your hollow eyes have no fire

your lust is gone

for all except perfection

My wonderful love

you fade from the world

a memory wishing to be forgot

You're no longer here;

no body nor spirit

have you succumbed at last

My corpse of a love

I will be always with you

despite my better judgement

Where have you gone

my innocent girl

you are my heart and soul

You're in the ground

with hate and despair

In the grave I watched you build