Salut!

Quick update:

been working tons lately

focusing on school for exams

Marcus and I are doing superb

I have been binge and purge free for a couple days now (binge=5, purge=3)

and...

I'm down to 99+15.0 !!!!

I've made a plan to get down to 99+8.0 by june 23rd (going to take my time and leave room for plateuas) It is 7 pounds in 5 weeks

The only problem I see will be me getting to them gym

but now that I have a proper car, there is no excuse anymore!

Have a great long weekend, I'll check back in soon!

how many calories do ricola's have?

My throat is burning

my glands are swollen

my nose won'T stop bleeding

"I'm feeling under the weather, that's all, it will soon pass"

I need to stop purging this much

but the numbers on the scale are going down

the price of beauty

Have a great weekend

kumbaya

Hey lovelies!

So I'm quite sick, but the weather is beautiful outside, so I decided to brave a bikini to tan

bad idea. fatfatfatfat. purgeypurgepurge. Should have seen that coming.

Eating oatmeal right now, then going to do my hair and nails, go outside (in normal clothes)

work on my garden, do homework then go to the gym for 3 hours. Today started off crap

But I will make it good.

I will be thin, I deserve it. We all deserve it.

"All of us are better when we're lovedthin"

The only thing that matters is Your love

Today I ate zero things. aside from a quarter of a beet and a chocolate bunny head (which I purged)

I have drank only water and went to a spin class and almost fainted

yay skinny

must lose a minimum of three pounds by thursday so I can wear my parliament skirt to parliament

I went shopping and everything was xs or s, which made me content

also, I am becoming such a sap. Which, if you don't really know me, won't be a big deal, but really, it is. I'm in such a 'i want to be a stay at home mom later and get married and go for family walks and play couples bridge' mindset, which I'm sure Marcus is sick of (not that I say these things, but just the me talking about the future so much ) and I don't blame him.

I better be down at least a pound tomorrow!

ps- I have been reading all your blogs, but I just haven't commented lately, because I am at a loss of words lately. I do still care, and when I get my head out of my bum, I'll start commenting again :)

too much effort

Screw making a new blog,

if whoever wants to creep it

that is their business

so,

I have purged at least 4 times every day recently

my therapist got an ED clinic person to come

and she was fat.

(i mean normal people standards fat, not just mine)

but lalalala down 4 pounds since monday,

slow and steady wins the race

99+18 by monday

ps-CONGRATS NIKKI ON BEING FABULOUS + CATCHING UP TO ME

you skinny bitch <3

umm in other news, getting my nose pierced tomorrow and shopping with my man

have a fab weekend everybody!

La vie n'est pas belle

My little brother didn't want to go to the gym with me today

so now I am not at the gym

I threw up the tacos they made me

Sharon is calling me an ass over and over again and calling me stupid and other horrible things

I have nowhere to hide, nowhere to run, so

I am going to not talk for the rest of the night

Ignore her

and play the Sims

hopefully tomorrow will be better

I'm scared to know what I weigh

Women who straddle

I have a thing for tall skinny boys

especially asian (im such a weirdo)

my little brother loves his anime and made me watch all of the Death Note series

(Actually exceeded my expectations)

and then the first movie of two

And L is my hot, hot sex.

I am going to find this lanky asian

and make beautiful, smart, mocha babies with him

mmm Ken'ichi Matsuyama please move to Canada and speak french with me

none of you even want to know my weight

my grandma dissapeared and left me to take care of my little brother yesterday

and I am so angry at her but thanks to chatting about boys with Gabby, I didn't binge/purge all of my feelings

but somehow my weight still sucks,

oh well, fasting time tomorrow till Friday!

next week's Heavy stars a 250 pound midget

(IM EXCITED!)

I miss ms Nikki and am super excited to hear all the deets of her mini vacay

I should be a movie critic, I've watched, no joke, at least 50 hours of movies in 3 weeks

and have done zip homework.

oops, oh well!

ps-everybody check out Mother Mother's video "the stand", love it!

Sexy Asian Dance Party.. Whaaaat

I'm back

and peppy

and I like my hair

I'm going to get it trimmed by a pro

and then dye it slightly darker

woot

Purged like a mofo

and have lost 3 pounds in two days

feeling good!

side note- goofed up my IT band (something in my leg apparently)

so cannot walk or work out

but I'm determined to find some kind of situp

that won't make me cry

I photograph like a fat twelve year old

3,2,1..rant time!

Controversy: Skins show

First off, to all of the people bitching about the amount of drugs and sex and the show and the fact that it is sending a bad message to kids: grow the fuck up. Parents have a duty to be aware of what their young children are watching on the tv and computer. They have an obligation to protect their children and have conversations with kids about what's wrong and right and how everything on tv is bullshit. This is what real life is like. Sex is great. Drugs are great. But do too much and it will fuck you up. It is the parents job to inform the bloody children to not be whores and junkies.

But on another note, I watched the social network and it was fine, but mark zuckerberg does not seem like a very nice person.

On yet another note, I'm fat, purging like a pregnant woman and have cheeks so swollen that i look like I have chipmunk cheeks.

How is everybody? I'm not even sure if anybody reads this anymore. I'm alright with that, it'd just be nice to know if there aren't, then I can say whatever I want without offending.

here'S a secret: I hate fat people. I don't pity them, I hate them and think they are disgusting pigs and there is no excuse. I'm surrounded by them and it makes me sick.

Sorry.

Get thin. Stay thin. Die trying.

Truth is beautiful; Without doubt, But so are Lies

How old is Ben Affleck? Actually, I don't care. I just want him. He is far too yummy. It's the weekend soon, and tomorrow I will be snowboarding with my friend (and by snowboarding I mean doing blow) so I will be losing 3-4 pounds by monday. Hooray!

I hope you are all having a good week, sorry I've been such a downer lately, but my money is finally coming in (I'm getting money every month to go to school, woohoo) so life is looking up and I want to keep it that way.

Nose no longer bleeds when I purge, and I've been doing a lot lately (up to 5 times a day again) so hooray for no more nose bleeds!

Stay strong, we'll all be able to get there soon, I know it!

Happy hump day

Every time I puke, my nose bleeds

Every time I work out, I gain weight

I'm failing English, no idea how

I'm not going to therapy

My boyfriend will prob break up with me soon

That's all there is to report

Why do you have tampons? "I get really bad nosebleeds"

After my drug fandango, I now get nose bleeds every time I purge

It doesn't bug me too too terribly, but it's quite annoying

I have nothing else to report really,

Still at the same weight, went to the gym, doing homework

Sometimes I feel like if I was dead, my family would be less stressed( 100% true)

And then I realize that everybody's life would be better if my BPD went away and I was fat

Then I say, no, just the BPD can leave, I'm fine with my ED, we're best friends.

My therapist is back Tuesday, yay!

For my english class, we had to write a persuasive essay on a controversial topic, I chose pro-ana websites, but I wrote it in such a way that you can't tell that I have an ED. win? maybe.

I'll blog when I have something interesting to say,

xox

La Fin

I'm sorry I'm mean

I'm sorry I lie

I'm sorry I don't have a job

I'm sorry I cause you pain

I'm sorry I treat you like crap

I'm sorry for the nights I make you cry

I'm sorry I hurt the ones I love most, because they won't leave me

I'm sorry I'm crazy

I'm sorry I puke

I'm sorry I cut

I'm sorry I don't love myself

I'm sorry I won't ever accept who I am

I'm sorry for the hurtful things I do

I'm sorry I never go to school

I'm sorry I'm such a fucking disappointment

I'm sorry that you fell in love with me

I'm sorry I love you

I'm sorry I can not be saved

I'm sorry you keep trying

I'm sorry you'll always fail

I'm so very, very sorry

I M 4 U, S I M, 4 F R, N F R N F R

I am so fat compared to one of my friends

She must be 90 pounds

I was looking at my facebook and noticed a picture and I am sitting here wanting to puke and cut and cry because I am a mammoth. A behemoth. A whale. A disgrace to my ed. I am going to go to the toilet and puke my bloody brains out and then go for a walk outside. I don't want to, but I am going to show this body who is boss.

When I come back from visiting my boyfriend this weekend I am fasting for a week. no excuses. I will buy my own pack of cigarettes!

Who knows if I will finish school? I do not wish to go at all this week. I am far too stressed and I missed group again. Oops. I am down half a pound however. Yipee.

I was trying to explain to my boyfriend how there was no pollock in my house (80 cals, it was my safe food today) so I almost cried and he said "This makes me really wonder how you'll handle real life problems" eff you too buddy. But he made up for that comment by sending me something Pokémon related (I can't say what it is, in case he ever reads my blog, because he'll never be an adorable nerd again if I spilled the beans)

okay, that's it! So stay strong, don't eat, stay motivated and don't die yet

*** I went to the bathroom to puke and I always weigh myself before and after, and my scale was not there. How the FUCK did she get in here and take it again. No walk now, I am getting my razors ready. I will puke when I'm done***

Percy, G Strings and a full out makeout sesh

So my days lately have been horrible.

I caught up on all my school work, have tanned every day (NEVER use tingler- i was a red brown chick for a longer time) and woke up at 7 am. It sounds all great except for the fact that I have eaten enough food to have a food baby, purge enough to pass out numerous times and see blood and go up in weight.

I had a group therapy thing last night and was in no mood to go. I was sarcastic and chewed on my pen the whole time, then left at break. Not a happy crazy girl yesterday, let me tell you.

BUT even though life is the pits, my boyfriend leaves monday ( =( ) which means that I can work out every day and school starts so I won't have any chances or excuses to binge at all. ( =) )

Now to the most important issue at hand: New Years Resolution 2011

-I resolve to not have any periods in 2011

-I also resolve to not break up with my boyfriend impulsively

Have a great New Years Eve I shall blog on Monday, as boyfriend darling is taking me away to a romantic hotel getaway all NY weekend

xoxox

ps-The picture was when I was 116 in summer. I look 12 and am pretending to stuff my face with chips. This picture always makes me smile, because I am such a loser.

Star Wars Marathons is what Xmas is all about

i'm far too ashamed to blog properly today. I cooked for twelve people on Christmas Eve and I ate a bit of stuffing, sweet potatoes and a bunch of salad. Most of which I purged. Yesterday didn't feel like Christmas, everybody got me nice presents but I kept thinking about all the laxatives I would take. I purged three times at least- not nearly enough. Tomorrow, I'm going to weigh. Also, so my boyfriend doesn't bug me, I'm going to do the ABC diet (so over used but whatever, it will keep him off my back to see me eating) and workout. My days will be like so :

wake up @ 7, cuddle until 715

Go to the gym 830-11

tan 11:15-1130

school crap 12-5

who knows 5-bed

weigh when I wake up, after the gym, end of day. 3 times at least

New Years we're staying at a fancy hotel which will be nice, but no sex for him because I'll be on my period (thank GOD! We've had far too much sex lately because apparently I can't sit down properly lately)

I've decided that this is my last period. None in January, I will be too small by the time January is done and it's supposed to come.

I'll be a better blogger tomorrow when I'm not fat thanks to copious amounts of exlax

ps, I wish I had a friend in real life (not just texting) who had an ed. but maybe next year when I go to uni in a certain city a couple hours away from me I will :) Until then, my ed lover keeps me strong electronically and now she has a blog too! http://nikkiisnotmyname.blogspot.com

pps, Gabby, please start posting again, my interweb life is so drab without reading your morbidly humourous posts

ppps, thinking of posting a picture of two of myself and the chunk that surrounds me, but am undecided. Sugesstions?

pppps, I found out that I forgot to post some of my blogs that I wrote, so I posted them, see if you can find them

ppppps, I'm really done this post now i promise

"Ma Chérie! Une grenouille!"

Guess what?

This is my last post until christmas because my bf and I are on an adventure to meet his parents

and I promised him I would not do anything involving my ED (blog, prettythin, purge, weigh-ya, NO FUCKING SCALE THERE) until we get back to my place. I'm excited to get away from all this, but know that I will be freaked out and stressed the whole week. oh well, C'est la vie!

What have I eaten today you ask?

What haven't I eaten today:

1 packet oatmeal (130)

1 bag cheddar/sour cream chips (210)

2 waffles with butter and low fat syrup (350)

1 huge ass bowl off cereal with 1% milk (270)

6 cookies (390)

sweet potato fries with ranch (140)

TOTAL:1490

YA 1490. 1490. 1490. 1490.

what have I purged? does it eve

n matter?

how did this happen?

crazy old fat ladies enjoy stomping around the house yelling at me and throwing things at me until I eat and cry and until I puke. Yup, thats my life: bullied into eating by a 68 year old fat woman.

on a side note,

I have never seen this much food in a house before in my life.

this scares me

I hope the week before christmas going swimmingly for everyone.

I will catch up on everybodys blogs and comments when i get home.

Have a bingefree xmas lovelies!

you all keep me strong

Long as a japanese sword-selling Chinaman's beard

this is going to be a really long post and I apologize in advance.
There are three things in my brain right now: weight control, school and my boyfriend.

1) Weight Control:
I just saw a picture of me on facebook. And i Look so fucking fat. I haven't eaten since monday. I will not eat until I get my scale back, which is friday. I am going insane without it right now. I don't have the time to go to the gym after school because I have to do homework and I don't have the energy to get up at 5 this week to go to the gym beforehand due the fasting.
My bf and I are visiting his family in manitoba saturday-thursday, and I am not allowed to bring my scale and they probably have tons of food. "Sweetie, your girlfriend sure does go to the bathroom a lot after supper and she drinks a lot of water. She didn't want to eat any of my homebaked cookies." YA. I'm apparently going to be that fucking girlfriend.
recap: boyfriend<=weightloss
2)School:
I really need to quit. Or go to school more. I just get so effing depressed and don't leave my cave of solitude (ie basement) And when I go to class, I' actually quite smart, and catch up, but it takes all my time. If i weren't so sad and messed up, I would have been done school two years ago. My boyfriend has date a nineteen year old highschooler. How embarrassing for him. I'm embarrassed too and tell everybody I'm just upgrading all my stuff and converting it to real french so I can go to university in all french (that part is true). If I can ever go to fucking class.
recap: depression=missed classes=mad catch up=bad marks=no university=skinny + dead cj
go to school=good grades=francophone university=skinny + happy cj

3)My boyfriend:
He's too good for me. I'm with him because he's and caring and kind and a complete loser at heart, attractive and crazy about me. The problem is that he makes me happy with myself and want to do something with my life and eat and be "healthy" But the second he leaves I get depressed and purge for days on end because I' so disgusted with what I turn into around him. We fight about me not "revealing my feelings" He snoops through my phone and created a fake prettythin account to check up on me because he's concerned. I bet he's somehow found my blog too. The thing that will break us apart is my purging. Who wants to be with a girl who pukes everything she eats up until she blacks out and who won't get help because she enjoys killing her body and being skinny.
recap: boyfriend=reason to live/reason to hate self

I'm going to Chinatown after physics (which I'm obviously not paying attention in) to go buy my little brother a sword for christmas (don't ask, it's a long story...), maybe I'll be overcome with japanese traditional yearning (because the shop and sword is japanese...in chinatown...) and eat some sushi. It's easy to purge and it's not like I'm wearing makeup today anyway.

She who laughs last thinks the slowest

I don't want to purge.

My family made me eat a lean cuisine fettuccini alfredo -400 cals.

I am now in my basement,

I'm pretty sure they left the house

I want to eat everything in sight

I want to purge until I black out

But more than anything,

I want to let my body digest this food and nourish me.

But I'm going to go to the toilet now and puke till there's nothing left

because,

of course,

i'm not in control of my fucking body

**************************************************************

I feel much lighter. Light headed and shaky, but wonderfully empty. Took my vitamins just now-big mistake-and I am queasy as hell. I cannot puke these up or I will suffer far more than I am now.

On another note: In case anybody was wondering, im 5'10 and my cw (as of thursday) is 99+19.6

but it's all fat, no muscle anymore.

Anybody excited for christmas? I sure hope I am not the only person who enjoys carrolling and decorating and spreading good cheer (when I venture out of my cave of solitude)

I haven't slept since monday, I think i'll try to do that now,

as I have nothing else to write. Stay strong butterflies, I love you the way a blogger loves her followers (all four of you <3>

She will wear you out, livin la vida loca

So I haven't blogged in a couple days because

i was livin la vida loca!

In reality, I was christmas shopping like MAD and I went out dancing two nights in a row.

my GAWD. I have not been out forever, and I forgot how much men and boys alike enjoy trying to grope my bum. It makes me convinced i need to get skinny so much quicker so they have nothing to grab next time I go dancing.

mood: Depressed

the fat woman that lives upstairs has yet again broken into my basement.

she has taken, yes, TAKEN my scale and hid it.

"You can have this back every friday, but youre obsessed."

HI im CJ and i have an EATING DISORDER. DUH

I have scoured the house for my buried treasure but it is nowhere to be found.

While christmas shopping, i may or may not have stolen numerous panties (XS) shirts (XS) and even managed to somehow get hollister jeans (1-uugh). The shopping god must realize I am broke and decided to lend me a hand

how all of those things fit into my tiny purse is still a mystery to me,

on a more morbid note,

i wonder how much a gun costs, for those just incase circumstances when life looks a little too unpleasant. I've already done the od thing, the slicing myself up from nave to nape, seems this way might be a bit more interesting.

gabby: I love your questions, ask whatever you like (that goes to all my other internet stalkers too). I do coke and shrooms. I used to smoke weed but it makes me paranoid sometimes and I popped e but disliked it. i will never try meth or heroin or anything because, despite the fact i am an avid cutter and see my own blood on a regular basis, sticking a sharp object in my vein makes me queasy.

last meal: thursday night (purged). last time i drank water: cant remember. last time i tried to purge: when i woke up (i must be mad) weight: 99+????

I hope your weekends were as starved and calorie burned as mine.

ps- I wrote a poem (i'm not the greatest at poetry) and I'm debating posting it. but i dont want to be laughed at.