I haven't been on this blog in a really long time, but I need somewhere to vent and this is the only safe place I can access currently.
I puke blood all the time and I randomly faint (the doctors have decided it is not due to my eating disorder and the two are not related in any way). Because of this, I am super restricted in what I eat in an attempt to balance my body so I may eat: mashed bananas, mashed potatoes, full fat probiotic yogurt, broth based homemade soups, and green tea.
I can accept this. However, I have my whole family yelling at me, telling me to gain weight and go to work while I am puking up blood and smashing my head on the floor every time I faint. My aunt said I needed at least 15 more pounds (which is an insult because I am at LEAST 30 pounds underweight currently).
I was craving popcorn just a minute ago, and my boyfriend knows I can't have any. So what does he do? He makes himself a bag. That fills the kitchen and the living room with the smell. I ask him to eat it somewhere else (The den or whatever) and he goes into our room (which means when I go into the room, it will smell like popcorn).
It is a dick move and now everyone in the apartment is eating popcorn and I am locked in the den, drinking my tea and trying not to cry and be furious at them all.
Just because food is a huge trigger for me, doesn't mean that they can't eat what they want, but at the same time, I would like a bit of sensitivity (i.e.: make ANYTHING than what I have just said I have a huge craving for).
I will not cut. I will not cut. I will not cry. I will not cut. I will not puke. I will not puke. I will not cry. I will not eat. I will not cut.
CJ
