Hello, my name is Pathetic

Photoshoot in a half an hour

and Im so fucking fat today, I don't even know why I said I would do it

yesterday, I was talking with my friend

(he's such a cutie of a guy, not my type at all but I get why girls like him)

and he was talking about how he likes tall, fit, model type girls

(he's searching for the 'perfect girl')

and then goes on to say he's not shy about telling a girl she's pretty.

If he thinks she's pretty, he tells her straight up

and it's like

hold on. I've known you for 6 weeks

and you've never said anything to me

I know he didn't mean it like that

but it's one of those things where I just want people to think that

I'm pretty or fit or skinny or want me or whatever

(everyone wants to be wanted)

and it hurt really bad, so I went into my bedroom and purged

and now I don't want to eat all fucking week and get super skinny

and I know it doesn't matter because my bf loves me and thinks I'm pretty

but I'm so fucking insecure and I need that type of reassurance

I'm so pathetic

and so scared to weigh

because I'm a fucking whale

CJ

and the sun is shining...

I am just refusing to shave

going natural

mainly because I don't trust myself with a razor right now

just ate oatmeal with brownsugar milk and macadamia nut butter

(like 10 mis ago)

and the second I finish this post Im gonna puke like a mother fucker

I havent been good with it lately

(puking has been almost non existant)

so I will puke until acid

and thats a promise

I wish I had a gym to go to with classes and shit

instead of one so far away with no parking

ok, Im panicking puking wise

(ive been trying to delay the purge like I got taught in therpay)

but fuck it I am so done

then I need to get back to homewokr

so little time so much to do

(remmeber that show with mk and ahsley olsen? fuck they're skinny bitches)

omg the puke is like rising out of my body

FUCK

bye

CJ

i look at you with such disdain

Fasting all week

water coffee tea

exbestfriend has abs. fuck her ill be better than her

im so emotionally messed up right now

so ill fast until I cant think

that is my punishment for not purging today and my binge

and for not cutting, or walking to go buy razors

no more eating for cj

she doesn't deserve it

I hate what prettythin has become

with facebook and twitter and whatnot, it aggravates me so much

it is no longer a secure place to talk

not that I have really been on it in a long time but still

Sometimes, I wish Marcus and Sharon did not love me

They give me so much, and I can never pay them back

I dream of winning the lottery and then in my dreams I give Sharon a million dollars so she can be happy

and then I pay for things that will make Marcus and I have a great life (because I have decided I am marrying him but not like I am ever going to say that to him, it makes me sound like I am twelve)

But anyway, if they didn't love me, then I could go be a stripper and make serious cash to pay for my schoolimg

and do drugs to keep me skinny

but I don't want to turn into my mom

so I dream of things that will never happen because I don't have the determination (or care) to get off my fat ass and do anything about it

I dream of having cancer so I have a reason to feel bad for myself (and then I would get all icky and skinny and I would love it)

what happens if you take too much codeine? hmm

happy turkey birthday

So today is my birthday

I got my wisdom teeth out friday

did nothing but be a drugged up bitch all weekend

I don't even know how much I gained

but I cannot puke for 3-4 weeks or I will get crazy infected

I just want cheesecake

and a knife

to eat and then slice my life away

happy fucking birthday to me

all of life's questions...

So postsecret

I hate it.

its all so fucking true

and I wish that sometimes I could share those secrets

that I was those people

fuck

such a good weekend and then one little thing upsets me