happy 21st

It is my 21st birthday.
I am fat
I am depressed
I am alone
There are only two things I want to do
And I can't do either of them
The one, because the person who I want here is not here
The second, due to the fact that same person is not here, but I promised I wouldn't do anything stupid
I already broke the one promise I said I wouldn't
So who really cares if I break the other one?
Nobody, because I am alone and he doesn't care anymore, because I made him not care.
I am sitting in my room crying on my birthday and Patrick is being so loud, I just want him and all his friends to shut the fuck up so I can sleep
I want to sleep forever.
I wish I could take back everything I said
But I know it would do no good
This was the right decision and I will have to live with it
Even if it kills me. 

I'm back

I am back. 
I don't know why I left. 
Self discovery. Self hatred. I'm not sure. 
I feel rattled, lost, confused and an emotional train wreck.
I am talking to my boyfriend about everything, I am not sure it is helping
I am taking my medication and I feel like it is just making me emotionally whacked out
I have no idea why I am writing again
I looked at thinspo and my heart almost leapt out of my chest with longing. I don't think that I have ever wanted something like that so much in that kind of way
I don't know what to think. If I hadn't taken my meds recently, maybe I would go puke. maybe I wouldn't. I think I am lost and I don't know where to turn to. 
Fuckaduck

Back to business

Ok, so this blog has gotten so off track,

I have gotten SO off track.

let'S get back to business

Intake to date:

oatmeal- 120 cals

coffee + stevia + benefibre- 5 cals

Piece of gum- 3 cals

total: 127 cals to date

weight today:

99+ 28.8

REVOLTING

but I am back on track

getting in touch with pt girls again,

going to work out more

let's get thin

I was on the worst b/p cycle but now it's time to buck up

I miss the feeling of collar bones

I am so scared to get better, I don't want to,

so I am going to get thin again.

'Too much school work' is no excuse.

I'll update my intake tonight before I go to sleep

CJ

i swear i am trying

holy fuck I am seriously going to kill something

we talked about Israel and hoq they created a law against too skinny modes. the kids started spewing bullshit ideas about how its suuch a good thing to promote health and decrease eating disorders.

WHAT BULLSHIT

I actually lost my cool.

I said it was discriminatory (youre too skinny, but we dont say youre too fat? are you kidding me, SUCH BULLSHIT( and then I ranted and raved (in my journal) about how ED's don't revolve around models and shit

its a mental illness.

it might start by seeing them (models)and using them as thinspo, but its so much more than that

we are sick people. we are not well. we have issues that we are going through that make us starve ourselves, cut ourselves, puke our guts out

it makes me so sad that people dont understand EDs and that I can't say anything about about it, because of all of the judgement I will receive and how it will wreck my plans completely.

Its not fair and I hate this

my besties brought me tim hortons today, chai tea latté + blueberry bagel w cream cheese.

all I want to do is puke and this talk about ed'S and models makes me need to do it.

I'm gonna skip bio, read the book and puke until I see blood and cant breathe anymore

three cheers for being pathetic

CJ

it ends tonight

I feel so empty but so full

I have been crying for far too long

I am done being emotional

and a fat cow

I got the job and my student loans came through

so things are looking up

now to pass bio

but really,

I justwant to get payed so I can order those pills and get skinny andbe happy with my body

also,

I wonder if you'll ever read this again,

or if you really have wiped me out of your life

not a day, nor an hour goes by that I dont think of you

when will this torture end

I want to slit my wrists

I have a very sharp knife here

but I promised myself I wouldnt die until I was at least under 99 pounds,

because I dont want to die the fat chick

CJ

how depressing

I haven't written in forever. And I totally give up on life.

I'm fat as fuck

I just want to cut my life away

and puke it away

I have 9.35$ in my bank account

and that is it

it's bullshit.

I'm going to sleep, wake up early and then do my hair, study for my interview

and then rock it

because if I don't get this job

I am actually going to quit school and go live at home in a hole to help my family

Or better yet, just die. I've actually always wanted to hang myself.

But you can't just youtube 'how to tie a proper noose' and I don't think I have a proper place to hang it

but those are excuses. I am going to go write my suicide notes now, just in case, because you never know what will happen.

We find out on friday if we got the job.

I just seriously want to die.

going to go spend my last 9$ on chips and chocolate. and eat/puke my life away, after I write my suicide note and then sleep.

I'm a mess, but who gives a flying fuck

shall I puke?

shall I cut?

shall I cry?

My skills are telling me to talk to somebody

I want to talk to somebody

instead of cut myself up

but my heart is telling me to stop talking and sharing emotions and to just cut cut cut

until I can'T see my stomach anymore

and to puke puke puke

until I pass out, or cough up only blood

decisions decisions,

I don'T know which one to make

Disney always says to follow your heart,

motivational speakers say to follow your dreams,

decisions decisions

CJ

fuck.that

I wasted two years of my life

trying to get better

for somebody

who can't be with me anymore

because I am a sad, fat person.

What is the point of being healthy

if you hate yourself

and nobody likes you either?

CJ

one of those nights

our song came on

and it made me think of you

and I miss you more than words can say

this is where this all stems from

i know it

but i wont face it

i cant

its just so fucked up

but on a positive note

if i die before i pay back my student loans,

it dissappears (my family doesnt pay them)

which is really good to know

fdjafsdkfa

I have nothing to say anymore

life is good

and I just want to destroy it all

that is so fucked up

I'm so fucked up

CJ

oh violet...

I don't care how pretty you used to be

or that we were best friends

(ok I do care. a ton, but that is besides the point)

you are fat now.

chunkier than I am

and it makes me smile so much

but at the same time,

I just wish you would get skinny again

because you are so much prettier skinny

(also, I say this every year, but I am so so sorry)

CJ

revolting

I'm gonna live off mints

and gum

and coffee

and tea

for the rest of my life

and be miserable, because that is what I fucking deserve

pthetic

fucking pathetic

CJ

New Year New...

So I am back from Costa Rica and my vacations

and though I enjoyed almost every second of them,

I am glad to be home, to get re-focused and get back to the daily grind

I will probably be making a new blog here soon,

I feel like I'm not the person I was when I started this one anymore

I dunno, we'll see

CJ