won't you take me to funky town

Cowtown turned into Crazytown today

tried on my dress for tomorrow

looked disugsting, fat legs seeping out

then noticed the dry cleaners forgot to get the stain out

got the problem fixed with a lot of crying and swearing and yelling

then our limo got moved up so I had to move my hair appt up

she didn't want to

cry swear yell- problem fixed

tanned, my stomach doesn't touch my bottoms because of my hips.

happy face

realize that fat has just seeped to the muffin tops and legs

cry cry purge

Supper time I sat down with the family, we talked about OJ having porn stars on his facebook as friends (hes 14) and how that is ok but me texting at the table is unacceptable behaviour.

made a mean comment about when he gets molested again I will say I told you so

leave table cry purge

and now I'm doing my nails and they are a pretty pink

Will I ever have a normal day?

CJ

ready, set, rant!

I hate PT lately. So much.

If I want to ask people how long they wait after they eat until they purge for curiosity purposes, I should not be scared that I will be labelled as 'looking for tips'

note: I haven't done this or never have, but what if I wanted to?

Jesus, stop censoring shit. Most of theses girls on it are all fat girls looking to get into the 'normal' weight range anyway. and 'omg you're perfect the way you are' posts. No, clearly you are not perfect the way you are. You are fat. You are ugly. The world would be a more beautiful place if you got off your fat ass, signed off PT and went to the fucking gym and got rid of your muffin tops.

I'm sorry if anybody is offended by this post, but holy eff balls, it's the internet, you are anonymous on here, tell the truth for a fucking change people. Stop pretending to think they are perfect the way they are or what ever other bullshit you are typing on the fucking computer.

ok I'm done being a monster bitch now. (but at least I had the fucking balls to be real)

CJ

he thinks hes such a lady killer

my gosh. my school has made me hate black people.

(and considering I am half black, that is saying something)

they are all just so inconsiderate and bitchy and rude and have this stupid thug gangster mentality.

you are in a suit, do not do 'gang' signs (you arent in a gang). dont squat down. youre in a suit, try to look nice.

'sup mami' fuck off, youre like twelve. who gives a fuck if you came from africa? that was 15 years ago, you are as canadian as I am you idiot. stop being vulgar, pull up your pants and stop actin a fool.

on a different note, I really dislike jim carreys acting. his acting makes me sick. speaking of sick, ive been having such bad stomach pains if i dont puke (even if my stomach is empty)

I just want to stop this. i want to be 90 (ya it dropped down again shhh) and not eat and not puke and smile and be happy with who I am and what I look like, and not feel like a psycho.

'i never see you eat' 'i eat tons, i just never seem to eat around you, we always see each other in between meal times! hahaha' I am such a bad liar.

My family seems to just accept the fact I disappear downstairs a lot after meals so long as I clean the toilet before I come up. When I move in with Marcus in nine days, I'm not sure how it will go with that, we shall see. (I just will 'forget' to buy groceries)

sorry for the long post, I just had a lot on my mind, I need to start writing in a journal again.

xoxoxCJ

Don't be a brontosaurus

Today, the famjam made me eat with them. (I can't remember the last time I ate with them)

the menu was: soup and cinnamon buns. So stressful, I was such a cow to them, then i bolted to my bathroom and got everything up, thank gosh.

sad when i cannot even enjoy the little family time we have because they make it revolve around food.

my tummy hurts so bad. boo :(

also, checked out my ex bf's new gf's facebook.....I want to punch him in the face. She is fat. (normal people standards fat) and ugly and can't do her make up. That is a slap in the face because apparently those are his standards. I fall into the same category of 'what is attractive' in his mind as her. I am horrified. Must not eat the rest of the day.

Think I passed my maths, only physics left monday then wednesday is grad, and I am so pissed I have to pay 40$ for a bloody ticket for drinks and food buffet thing when I won't be eating or drinking. I can't afford to eat there, my stomach will bulge over my dress and ill be spewing out of it. ew no thank you.

can'T wait to move to xtown in 10 days! be with my man, but also have the freedom to not eat, work out when I want and not be pressured into doing things. win win? yesyes!

have a great weekend xoxox

CJ

priorities

I am going to bomb my maths final

which means I wont graduate high school

which means bye bye university

which is making me cry

but its ok because im not bingeing and am feelin skinniiiie

but my feet are swollen

and i have yet to get my period

i cant be pregnant

i cant remember the last time i had sex

oh wait, yes i do

hmm

skinny skinny skinny

gonna go back to pretending to understand my maths

and devise a way to sneak in cheat sheets

somebody pray for me

CJ

what else is there to do at 3 am but blog?

ok! soh!

my posts have been low.

like, saggy old ladies boobs low,

soh, mes amies, I have decided to write to vous a happy post!

I am getting out of dodge and going to live in Nikki land (aka move 3 hours northern)

hah I'm pumped to get away from the looney bin that is my house!

also I am excited to curl up with a certain man in my life every night (except the nights he chooses to watch owls and study bird calls and other peculiar things his job entails) in the northern land. (between us, I am scared how much I don'T ever ever want him out of my life, is this growing up or is this being stuck in a make-believe highschool sweethearts dream? who knows)

There is this song called 'Jesus rides the subway' or something like that and at one part, me and a friend are driving in my car and the song talks about how Jesus chills with junkies and stuff and looks like us and one of the lines goes 'and Jesus comes to church on Sundays and sits in the back' or something like that and she goes 'LIES! JESUS DONT GO TO NO CHURCH! JESUS WAS A JEW, HE GOES TO THE SYNAGOGUE ON SATURDAYS!'

probably one of those 'you had to be there' moments, but it was hilarious and I almost hit a car from laughing/ crying so hard.

Also, I am sitting on my study books, because if I can't see them, they won't remind me that I have to be up for an exam in less than 3 hours and I have yet to study

c'est la vie

take care, je vous adore!

ps-im still a fat puking lump of lard and grad is exactly a week away, I need some 'chemical' help, but exams are getting in the way :(, but on the plus side, i have kicked their bums so far

CJ

happy fucking fathers day

I am scared of spiders inside my basement

I see them and began to cry hysterically and freak out and shake

and jump on furniture

but outside,

them bitches aint got nothin on me

I have decided that this is my brain making a physical metaphor

for my thoughts

my house is my safe place, it represents my mind that I am fortifying

and those spiders are the bad thoughts that sneak in without me noticing

and then they are in there, creeping around, laying their eggs of doubt and deceit

but outside my house/brain I can squash them, they cant hurt me

I am either extremely brilliant, or desperate to create a plausible reason

for being scared shitless

of spiders in my mothafugginhouse

a la claire fontaine should be youtubed by everybody

because it is a beautiful sad song, and suits my mood

CJ

if we hold on together

weak in the knees- serena ryder, sex on fire- kings of leon, new york- jayz, a little piece of heaven avenged 7x

all decided to play on my itunes today.

fuckers. they know they are connected to memories I want to block out

they were unchecked, how did they play

they out to get me

this whole situation is getting out of control

go away go away go away

puke the feelings out

happy saturday xox

*******************************

i have no real friends. slash friends in general.

so much for studying tonight

CJ

sexibrwngrl+sexiblondemamii

I told marcus about how i have been feeling

he was really supportive

nikki and i are going to be free body expressionists with codenames <3

i am a chunk mother fuck

and have watched SO much criminal minds

also watched star wars, natalie portmans' face looked really pudgy

(in comparaison to black swan)

dear christy,

thanks for your comment so much,

its really nice to hear that im not alone in this cutting self hating lonely depressing thought process

and you were right, it did get better :)

i need to go study physics, have a shower, tan, clean the table and pay attention to my boyfriend. but first, a joke:

an old man and woman were sitting an dinner, they had been dating for quite a while but it was a platonic relationship. finally the old man brought up the subject. "how would you feel about a more sexual relationship?" the woman responded "i would like it infrequently" the man responded "is that one word or two"

HAHAHAH have a good weekend!

i didnt kill myself, I just od'd

wristcutters:a love story

was a neat story (click HERE for clip)

and im not sure how i feel about it

I am pretty sure I am suffering a mild psychotic break

and my therapist isnt returning my calls

and my boyfriend is napping

and my teachers hate me

and I am fat

and nobody reads this blog anymore

i just feel really alone and confused

and there was a story in chicken soup for the teenage soul on love and freindship

that i havent read in a long time

about two girls and a broken friendship, and how i used to think that was us, that is could be mended

but I was wrong. and theres nothing special. theres no fairy tale ending for me

stuck in a halfway house

not strong enough to move forward

not weak enough to go back

im so confused and lonely and I just don't know about anything anymore

I can feel my brain slipping. I don't know what to do

and I'm scared.

scared i will do it, scared I won't, scared that plans will go too awry.

'When there's a trap set up for you

In every corner of this town
And so you learn the only way to go is underground'

im not sure

one of my aunts died today

she was really sick

and in a hospice for a while

we weren't close

but she made me feel special

and loved and pretty

(which nobody except marcus makes me feel)

so I am not sure how to react

sitting here watching criminal minds

but I have this voice in my head that is telling me

she shouldn't matter because we were not close

and she was fat. like actually obese

(but she was sick and she made me feel loved)

'the opinion of a fat woman doesn't matter. if anything it makes you more revolting'

rip aunt susan

gawd i could use a text or a cuddle from a certain man of mine

today I do, tomorrow I will

Today I love myself.

ha what a fucking joke.

what is love? "its a chemical blah blah blah""its found in chocolate. I love chocolate""peas! its also found in peas!"

how can I feel something toward myself that can be triggered by eating when I puke everything up anyway?

I wish it was easy to get a gun here

instead of letting this ed and my patheticness slowly kill me

bangbang my baby shot me down

mamamia

just ate bacon.

I havent in 11 years.

but its ok.

because I am going to puke until my throat explodes.

beating the system.

today is a blogging day

my brother got suspended from school

"hes grounded from his ipod(with internet), phone, computer and hanging out with friends for a week. social isolation"

then they get home and hes on his phone texting listening to his music, "hes grounded till saturday and cant have his phoen during the daay (cos he texts more at school then when hes home, nawwt)"

are you fucking kidding me? wheres the parental smackdown. he got suspended for being inappropriate and bullying a girl physically and verbally and this is all you fucking do?

2 more weeks till im out of this house

this is why i have control issues. "just one cupcake""oh, ok, have the whole box" shit, pukepukepuke. "punished for a week""just kidding"

making another fucked up kid? yup.

2 weeks.

grow a fucking backbone you fucking enabler.

gawd.

my kids are gonna do what theyre supposed to, get rewarded for doing well, have consequences when they dont

none of this pushover bullshit

fuck this shouldnt piss me off this much

I really want a beef sausage

as well

I do not know who this is, or where I got it from

but my gawd,

This is what I used to be, and every time I see it, I want it, need to be her

She makes me sad and happy and envious

There are two things that have ever made me feel this kind of yearning before

I will be this again before summer is done

(except I will be sexy mocha

obviously)

finally got the computerback

Shit, I leave for two weeks and the whole world goes to hell I'm still at the same weight. I don't know how long this has been. I've been trying to stay positive and productive, It's not really working I've finally cracked. I cried during phantom of the opera and the mummy returns. and then everytime I see a spider in my house (its that time of year) I burst into uncontrollable sobs and hyperventilate for a good 10 minutes (im not a pansy) I just need to get through the next two weeks and then I will be ok. (oh and pass my exams) also, people from my past are trying to re-enter my life and upset the delicate balance I've created I am strong enough to say fuck off, I am strong enough, I am strong, I am. I think therefore I am. I am obese. A whale. Disgusting. Had my award ceremony for school. didn't win anything. I have the second best marks and I got beat by the one person in every single thing. The athlete, school president, brains, good looking guy who has a great life and balances things and doesnt have to think about finding a place to puke, or what his thighs measure, or how he's going to pay his family's bills, or if he should kill himself. "but CJ, he might have family problems, you dont know" yes I do. its a graduating class of 25, we know damn near everything about each other. trigger trigger binge binge purge purge purge. Always purge up blood. It makes me smile. Im doing well, look at me now, "you didnt notice I lost weight" "yes i did, I just dont need to say it" "I worked hard to lose this, a little recognition would be appreciated" "you look skinnier" "well now, it doesn't mean anyhting" it doesnt. cos its still 99+13. I will get down. 99 and lower. never touch triple digits again. If I have to destroy every bridge except one, I will do it I promise no more long ranty posts, for a while