Dear Lord, have mercy on us

Sorry I have not posted in a while, things have been hectic in my life

ummmmm

I've been thinking a lot

I hate when people get better

I want to be sicker in every sense of the word

I fail at being religious

Why can't I see my collar bones

My teeth are kind of wiggly

Why do I chose food over relationships

I'll never be stick thin in time for school in the fall, let alone summer

My thoughts revolve around food, boyfriend and school, in that order

My grandma wants to start a diet (like 500 cals a day) type thing so I said I would do it with her.

Going to try not purge every day, or only once a day

also going to walk once a day to tanning

also I want to stop therapy

Have a great Easter, God Bless, may his favour and forgiveness rain down upon us all from the heavens for all our sins. Amen.

too much effort

Screw making a new blog,

if whoever wants to creep it

that is their business

so,

I have purged at least 4 times every day recently

my therapist got an ED clinic person to come

and she was fat.

(i mean normal people standards fat, not just mine)

but lalalala down 4 pounds since monday,

slow and steady wins the race

99+18 by monday

ps-CONGRATS NIKKI ON BEING FABULOUS + CATCHING UP TO ME

you skinny bitch <3

umm in other news, getting my nose pierced tomorrow and shopping with my man

have a fab weekend everybody!

La joie de vivre est dans nous tous et toutes

What a silly mini vacation at le hopital

Some things were good, I thought about alot

in terms of improving my mental health and going to school

but when they offered recovery,

I politely declined, I am not ready, and frankly, don't want to

I now have a work out buddy hopefully

and my house is full of disgusting cookies

oh well,

catching up on blogs now, SO many to read in five days,

but it gives me hope

and reminds me why I'm here

ps- totally snuck my scale onto the unit and am down two pounds, at least it's something

xox

Mini-Vacation Time? Apparently

Day 2 of no binge down

I'm off to the hospital tomorrow for a couple of days

cos my therapist is concerned about my ed,

so I'm doing my hair so I look better than all the other crazies

:P

I have seen the perfect legs on gazellethighs' blog

so I am re-posting them because,

holy crap they are amazing

same weight as yesterday, 99+21.2

Stay strong lovelies!

ps- i'm not getting sent to the ed ward

pps- the ward im in has a treadmill and doesn't monitor food HOORAH

Happy hump day

Every time I puke, my nose bleeds

Every time I work out, I gain weight

I'm failing English, no idea how

I'm not going to therapy

My boyfriend will prob break up with me soon

That's all there is to report

Why do you have tampons? "I get really bad nosebleeds"

After my drug fandango, I now get nose bleeds every time I purge

It doesn't bug me too too terribly, but it's quite annoying

I have nothing else to report really,

Still at the same weight, went to the gym, doing homework

Sometimes I feel like if I was dead, my family would be less stressed( 100% true)

And then I realize that everybody's life would be better if my BPD went away and I was fat

Then I say, no, just the BPD can leave, I'm fine with my ED, we're best friends.

My therapist is back Tuesday, yay!

For my english class, we had to write a persuasive essay on a controversial topic, I chose pro-ana websites, but I wrote it in such a way that you can't tell that I have an ED. win? maybe.

I'll blog when I have something interesting to say,

xox

One pill makes you larger and one pill makes you small

SO last night I was really bummed out

I had eaten some broth around 3 pm, and was feeling pretty low about life. Then my good friend called me to hang out. We bought:

Water

20 cal gatorade (for him, not I)

Smokes

5 gs of coke

10 pm-730am rail rail rail

We talked about everything and I feel really good about life, but I feel like death because of the come down of coke (its usually not that bad for me, but nine and a half hours of constant railing will make you feel like poop) . I ended up popping 4 sleep aids (melanonin or something) which helped me feel normal before my appointment. Not doing drugs again this year, talked to the lead therapist in my program and we've concocted a way that I might actually pass my school year and get into university! Now all I have to do is survive my home life.

Once I got home, I napped from 5pm to 11pm. I feel great now, weighed myself just for fun and am back at 99+19.4! Not the greatest number but yaaa teens! 99+16 by monday? I sure hope so!

Mad craving a waffle, but screw that bird! I'm stronger than that!

I'm feeling good, I'm feeling motivated about life, I feel like this is our time to shine!

When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade, it has too many calories

So, I calmed down after my last post, it was a little extreme, but that is how I am. Black and White. Extremes and Intensity. My boyfriend has left today, and I have lost but two pounds since the first. I am extremely disappointed in myself. Also, my individual therapy has been cancelled because her mom is dying back in Japan. This is two months now, no wonder I'm going stark mad. All my walls are being put back up and I'm beginning to get angry and blank. But no! I must think positive, think of five things in my life that are good:

1. Nikki and I are on a binge-free week and we've done amazing up to date
2. My financial situation may possibly be turned around in a week
3. I have the determination to study every night for my math diploma in three weeks
4. I am losing weight
5. I have a wonderful support system of friends, family and internet stalkers

I'm going to be blog as much as I can while I cram quadratic formulas and statistics in my brain so I do not binge and keep you all informed of my very very boring life that, at the moment, revolves around starving, puking and equations.

ps- thinspiration-pictures.blogspot.com saves my life. Check it out.

pps- I'm sad that some of the blogs I follow have stopped posting for weeks now, and it makes me sad

ppps-The sun in shining and so shall I

My feet look bonier, the fat transferred to my face

Today has been quite an adventure, mes ami(e)s!

first off, I live with my grandma because I have no money to my name

and she took me in when I was a year old

and I love her to death, crazy and fat as she is.

No school again today, but three and a half hours of therapy. Merde.

No, I am not mad enough to have three and a half hours all to myself, though, I would quite enjoy talking about myself for that amount of time. It was family therapy and a group on "building distress tolerance skills".

The irony to this, kids, is I bought an almond milk steamer with sugar free vanilla prior to group, and purged twice while group was in session. Some distress tolerance skills I have...

Speaking of that, I purged, four? Five times today? Six perhaps-I've lost count, my head is fuzzy.

I had spots of blood, which reminded me of periods and how I desperately wish not to have them.

Periods are rank. Bodily functions in general gross me out. Has anybody ever said to you "I love it when you excrete mucus and lining from where my mouth will be?" I really hope nobody has said this to you, if they do, there is a good possibility they are a cannibal. I would run. The moral to that story is this: I will be so happy when I wake up and my period decides not to come again because I'm finally thin enough again.

99+19.6 on the scale today, at least I went down, but if I had worked out longer, I KNOW i would have been down to 99+18. Damn having to rely on others and their automated transportation systems. I honestly wish I could ride my horse across the barley field and into town. (True story, I used to do that in grade six all the time. Ok, I did it once, but still...) Sadly, there is no barley, no horse and no town anymore. I am stuck in the suburbs of life where public transit enjoys making me fat and miserable.

I'm developing a plan for my life in the next few weeks:

part 1) go to school part 2) do homework part 3) do copious amounts of mind altering drugs so I have the energy to perform these tasks part 4) lose massive amounts of weight because said drugs make me forget to eat part 5) do not let boyfriend, grandmother or teachers find out about said plan.

I feel this is a realistic plan if I can convince my ex boyfriend to pay for my drugs.

on a side note,

DRUGS ARE BAD. PURGING IS BAD. USING MEN SHAMELESSLY IS BAD. getting everything you want, however, is priceless.

Good night world,

hopefully, i have better humor and more interesting tales to tell. (life is drab when it only consists of waking up, bingeing, purging and going to therapy)

PS-my highlighted text is hard to read sometimes, I am aware. Too bad. The pretty colours remind me of spring, which seems too far away...

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard...and all the girls to the toilet

So I should probably do the whole "10 facts about me" thing,
so you all aren't feeling like you're following a robot
1) My name is CJ
2) I am slightly on the mad side of sane.
3) I'm not a fan of purging, but I do it on a regular basis
4) If you don't like Disney or Pokemon, you may hate my blog as these two things will be mentioned at one point or another
5) I live with my baby brother and my grandmother

I have changed the "10 things" to "5 things" as 5 things are all I can think of.

now to the real part of my blog:

I'm sitting in my basement, watching pokemon and posting on PT
and i am angry
angry at my family who keep buying copious amounts of bread
(is there a sale on loaves of bread somewhere? they should really stop)
I'm angry that I have not done my homework yet
Angry that I dont want to sleep
and angry that my grandma took the car without letting me know
(so much for me tanning and working out for four hours)

On the plus side,
I've drank tons of water
and I am actually contemplating cleaning my room.

I didn't weigh today, as my scale was upstairs (thaaanks grandma) and I am hiding in my basement (since yesterday) I will weigh tomorrow. Tomorrow's post with either be decently happy or horridly depressing.

Bonjour

Hello world,

I've decided that since I'm such a fabulous writer,

I may as well create my own blog and share my brilliance

with everybody on the internet

I'd like to take this time to say what this blog is going to be about:

sex drugs and rock and roll

no, not actually,

I'll blog about my eating disorder

my mental family

and anything else that pops up into my brain

Some posts will be happy, some sad, some will offend people

and some might just be funny

we shall see

<3>