Dear Lord, have mercy on us

Sorry I have not posted in a while, things have been hectic in my life

ummmmm

I've been thinking a lot

I hate when people get better

I want to be sicker in every sense of the word

I fail at being religious

Why can't I see my collar bones

My teeth are kind of wiggly

Why do I chose food over relationships

I'll never be stick thin in time for school in the fall, let alone summer

My thoughts revolve around food, boyfriend and school, in that order

My grandma wants to start a diet (like 500 cals a day) type thing so I said I would do it with her.

Going to try not purge every day, or only once a day

also going to walk once a day to tanning

also I want to stop therapy

Have a great Easter, God Bless, may his favour and forgiveness rain down upon us all from the heavens for all our sins. Amen.

She lied

Diet? Diet my ass. Last time I checked, diets don't make a person gain 3-4 pounds in two days.

I am off her diet now, it probably works for larger people, but not me.

Today I stayed home from school, gonna write this damned dissertation if it kills me,

then off to the gym from 5-8 (spin class, weight training, yoga class), then back home, do my hair and nails for work, maybe work on physics

There is this thing in my skills group in therapy that we do called "describe" without interpretations (ie the person in the picture has blonde hair, smiling and has her hand in the air instead of the blond girl is happy and waving) and it is really hard to do, but i'm trying to do it with people when I think they are being mean to me on purpose and instead i use just the facts, and it helps a lot, which makes me feel better because it isn't always directed at me, so then I don't b/p or get bummed out,

I guess if you don't do DBT or have BPD, it doesn't make sense, but it will help with my weight.

fact: a binge has momentary satisfaction.

fact:the gym for 3 hours might feel unpleasant and long, but there is a chance you will be down a couple pounds tomorrow, which will make the day brighter and you're more likely to do well.

fact: I am going to stop blogging because I am postponing my dissertation again.

I might not blog this weekend, because I have university course selection,work all 3 nights and oodles more homework, so,

have a gooder! see y'all monday!

La vie n'est pas belle

My little brother didn't want to go to the gym with me today

so now I am not at the gym

I threw up the tacos they made me

Sharon is calling me an ass over and over again and calling me stupid and other horrible things

I have nowhere to hide, nowhere to run, so

I am going to not talk for the rest of the night

Ignore her

and play the Sims

hopefully tomorrow will be better

I'm scared to know what I weigh

Marcus proposed!!

It was amazingly cute, we went to the zoo

and he arranged a hippo seeing

and a private dinner

it

was

amazing!

APRIL FOOLS!!

hahh did I fool any of you?

Gosh I could not get married yet,

a) not until i'm 99 pounds

b) not until I finish uni

c) not until I am 21 at least, because my grandma would kill me

Speaking of her, she said she would pay for my gym membership and that of my baby brothers too if I follow her diet for a week (weight watchers type thing)

but it is around 900 calories a day, which scares me to death, and she will monitor my purging too

she will probably take away my scale for the week too

I went shopping today and got: a jean jacket, a flowery pencil skirt, a tank top, 2 bandeaus, a button down shirt, a silky shirt, a sexy bra+pantie combo and a bunch of rings, necklaces and a bangle all for UNDER 100$ what a great day

have a great weekend everybody!

Broth is my best friend

Veggie broth

Beef broth

Chicken broth

I love them all. They are my saviors.

I woke up at the same weight today, but I'm going to stay positive

yesterday i ate oatmeal (110) a chicken breast with spices (110) a bit of salsa (25) for a total of 245, which I am alright with

Today, I have eaten a banana (100) and my uncle is taking me to dinner at my (used to be) favorite italian restaurant. I am only going to have some lobster bisque (a soup type thing, 250 ish cals per cup) but not all of it! and a small slice of bread (if I'm forced) and tea and perhaps a bit of salad.

I got my grad pictures today. My cheeks look so fat and disgusting, my chin looks wide , my hair looks dry, I look oily, I could go on...

I'f I am not two pounds smaller by tomorrow, I will kill something.

I must lose those two pounds before my period comes! (which I think is soon, I'm so bad with figuring it out)

I have a massage today, went to the bank to talk about student loans and visas and tanned

I will NOT wreck this day with food!

going to go back and eat my broth now..mmmm broth.....

I've got one hand in my pocket and the other one is...

My step dad loves my cousin more than he loves me. True that the kid is a boy and my step-dad has an old world mentality but still. He has NEVER came to a gymnastics competition (12 years) or taekwondo tournament (3 years) or called me just to say hi. He's never done anything for me unless my mom made him. 10 years he's been my step-dad and not once has he shown me any kind of support. And now my cousin is here for ten months and he has gotten more love and attention and invites to go camping and whatnot with them than I have in 10 years. It's eating me alive.
Speaking of eating- I ate veggies, oatmeal, a bit of pollock, eggwhites and some chocolate chips today.
calorie value: 500 calories. A TON. But I worked out today and almost puked from it
So yay me. I got almost 90% on my pro-ana website essay.
Life is good aside from having no real father figure in my life and thus craving male attention.
Am I going to hit my goal numero uno by monday? Eff to the Yes!


That's all folks!