i am not dead, my comp is broke, will post soon

Salut!

Quick update:

been working tons lately

focusing on school for exams

Marcus and I are doing superb

I have been binge and purge free for a couple days now (binge=5, purge=3)

and...

I'm down to 99+15.0 !!!!

I've made a plan to get down to 99+8.0 by june 23rd (going to take my time and leave room for plateuas) It is 7 pounds in 5 weeks

The only problem I see will be me getting to them gym

but now that I have a proper car, there is no excuse anymore!

Have a great long weekend, I'll check back in soon!

how many calories do ricola's have?

My throat is burning

my glands are swollen

my nose won'T stop bleeding

"I'm feeling under the weather, that's all, it will soon pass"

I need to stop purging this much

but the numbers on the scale are going down

the price of beauty

Have a great weekend

For love! For like!

Just spent an hour looking at my dream appliances

fridges

washers

dryers

this is my life

kumbaya

Hey lovelies!

So I'm quite sick, but the weather is beautiful outside, so I decided to brave a bikini to tan

bad idea. fatfatfatfat. purgeypurgepurge. Should have seen that coming.

Eating oatmeal right now, then going to do my hair and nails, go outside (in normal clothes)

work on my garden, do homework then go to the gym for 3 hours. Today started off crap

But I will make it good.

I will be thin, I deserve it. We all deserve it.

"All of us are better when we're lovedthin"

fadingfadingfanding

I need to focus on my homework

but frankly I'm exhausted

my heart won't stop being crazy and it's annoying me

Need to be at a lower weight,

bought my grad dress

"It shows off your curves without making it obvious you have curves"

Curves. I hate that word.

Now I hate the dress.

"Everybody says you're pretty. I don'T notice anymore. After all, I see you without makeup when youre ugly" Love you too

"Happy mothers day" I have no mother/she is a junkie/ I don't talk to her/ I hate mothers day/ puts me in a rotten mood

Sleep sounds so appealing right now.

Sleeping forever actually

I need to weigh

Ready, Set, Super long post time!

I'm a bitch. Such a bitch. Biggest bitch I know. Fattest bitch I know. Aside from the fat lady upstairs. She almost killed us today. I went in and bought myself a timmy's (which I purged by the way) and didn't ask/buy her one cos I didn't have enough change on me. And she flipped out. Started calling me names. Rude. Bitch. Ungrateful. Horrible. Burden. Cos I didn't get her a Timmy's. And she's doing this while driving and we almost hit the cars in front and beside. So I came home and binged and binged and binged (shrimp, subway, tub of icing, cookies, pasta...) and then purged right beside the tv room, door open. Just to spite her (purging drives her mad). It worked.

It's sad though. It's like when I lived with my mum. She'd do her drugs and smoke and disappear for days but we'd all just ignore it. Here I am taunting her with an eating disorder and she pretends it doesn't exist. I don't exist.

Plus side, I can see my chest bones again. Not the greatest, but when I move, breathe, they are there. Same with my ribs, always there, Indenting. I've started counting them in school, playing with my bones, it's messed up.

I'm so tired of mixed messages too. it's like you say to somebody 'I'm going to lose 30 pounds' they say, yay good for you. you say 'I'm going to lose 30 pounds in 3 years' and they freak out. This didn't happen with weight, but it's the same basic principal. Grow up. Can't wait to get out of this shithole.

This is the reason I am sick. They make me desperate to be sicker. They make we want to puke up blood five times a day every day again. Be coked up all the time. Be thin, spaced out and beautiful (if you like that sexy casual dirty clean look. that makes no sense, whatever) . If I could do that again, maybe I'd be happy.

Speaking of happy, before I sleep I imagine my life. It's changed in the last couple weeks (my fantasy, if you will). After today/tonight, maybe I need to rethink it (maybe I just need to grow up)

Fuck, I need to stop rambling on here. Dreaming stops now.

Feeling light headed and my heart is beating crazy fast. Think I'll go pass out now

You're fat and disgusting, Cover up

OMG.

I was googling random things pertaining to fat and came across THIS

And I thought I was a bitch...

If I were a boy, I'd have no curves and it would be grand

My weekend was up and down

Sometimes I feel like two different people.

One wants to live the 9-5 office dream with a cabin on the lake in summer and yearly family vacations and the two car garage with 2.5 kids and 1.5 dogs and who goes to yoga and runs marathons for seldom known illnesses

The other one wants to travel the world, learn new languages, get dirty, make tents, live off the earth and just BE.

The only thing these two things have in common is how I will look. Anybody else feel torn between two people?

Elections day is tomorrow and I still don't know who to vote for.

I also feel like I don't have enough time for things that I need/want to do, or rather that I don't make enough time. I'm not sure,

I'm excited to weigh tomorrow.

ps- Osama Bin Laden has been killed? That couldn't have waited until after Celebrity Apprentice was finished? Silly news station.