Ready, Set, Super long post time!

I'm a bitch. Such a bitch. Biggest bitch I know. Fattest bitch I know. Aside from the fat lady upstairs. She almost killed us today. I went in and bought myself a timmy's (which I purged by the way) and didn't ask/buy her one cos I didn't have enough change on me. And she flipped out. Started calling me names. Rude. Bitch. Ungrateful. Horrible. Burden. Cos I didn't get her a Timmy's. And she's doing this while driving and we almost hit the cars in front and beside. So I came home and binged and binged and binged (shrimp, subway, tub of icing, cookies, pasta...) and then purged right beside the tv room, door open. Just to spite her (purging drives her mad). It worked.

It's sad though. It's like when I lived with my mum. She'd do her drugs and smoke and disappear for days but we'd all just ignore it. Here I am taunting her with an eating disorder and she pretends it doesn't exist. I don't exist.

Plus side, I can see my chest bones again. Not the greatest, but when I move, breathe, they are there. Same with my ribs, always there, Indenting. I've started counting them in school, playing with my bones, it's messed up.

I'm so tired of mixed messages too. it's like you say to somebody 'I'm going to lose 30 pounds' they say, yay good for you. you say 'I'm going to lose 30 pounds in 3 years' and they freak out. This didn't happen with weight, but it's the same basic principal. Grow up. Can't wait to get out of this shithole.

This is the reason I am sick. They make me desperate to be sicker. They make we want to puke up blood five times a day every day again. Be coked up all the time. Be thin, spaced out and beautiful (if you like that sexy casual dirty clean look. that makes no sense, whatever) . If I could do that again, maybe I'd be happy.

Speaking of happy, before I sleep I imagine my life. It's changed in the last couple weeks (my fantasy, if you will). After today/tonight, maybe I need to rethink it (maybe I just need to grow up)

Fuck, I need to stop rambling on here. Dreaming stops now.

Feeling light headed and my heart is beating crazy fast. Think I'll go pass out now