Back to business

Ok, so this blog has gotten so off track,

I have gotten SO off track.

let'S get back to business

Intake to date:

oatmeal- 120 cals

coffee + stevia + benefibre- 5 cals

Piece of gum- 3 cals

total: 127 cals to date

weight today:

99+ 28.8

REVOLTING

but I am back on track

getting in touch with pt girls again,

going to work out more

let's get thin

I was on the worst b/p cycle but now it's time to buck up

I miss the feeling of collar bones

I am so scared to get better, I don't want to,

so I am going to get thin again.

'Too much school work' is no excuse.

I'll update my intake tonight before I go to sleep

CJ

i swear i am trying

holy fuck I am seriously going to kill something

we talked about Israel and hoq they created a law against too skinny modes. the kids started spewing bullshit ideas about how its suuch a good thing to promote health and decrease eating disorders.

WHAT BULLSHIT

I actually lost my cool.

I said it was discriminatory (youre too skinny, but we dont say youre too fat? are you kidding me, SUCH BULLSHIT( and then I ranted and raved (in my journal) about how ED's don't revolve around models and shit

its a mental illness.

it might start by seeing them (models)and using them as thinspo, but its so much more than that

we are sick people. we are not well. we have issues that we are going through that make us starve ourselves, cut ourselves, puke our guts out

it makes me so sad that people dont understand EDs and that I can't say anything about about it, because of all of the judgement I will receive and how it will wreck my plans completely.

Its not fair and I hate this

my besties brought me tim hortons today, chai tea latté + blueberry bagel w cream cheese.

all I want to do is puke and this talk about ed'S and models makes me need to do it.

I'm gonna skip bio, read the book and puke until I see blood and cant breathe anymore

three cheers for being pathetic

CJ

it ends tonight

I feel so empty but so full

I have been crying for far too long

I am done being emotional

and a fat cow

I got the job and my student loans came through

so things are looking up

now to pass bio

but really,

I justwant to get payed so I can order those pills and get skinny andbe happy with my body

also,

I wonder if you'll ever read this again,

or if you really have wiped me out of your life

not a day, nor an hour goes by that I dont think of you

when will this torture end

I want to slit my wrists

I have a very sharp knife here

but I promised myself I wouldnt die until I was at least under 99 pounds,

because I dont want to die the fat chick

CJ

how depressing

I haven't written in forever. And I totally give up on life.

I'm fat as fuck

I just want to cut my life away

and puke it away

I have 9.35$ in my bank account

and that is it

it's bullshit.

I'm going to sleep, wake up early and then do my hair, study for my interview

and then rock it

because if I don't get this job

I am actually going to quit school and go live at home in a hole to help my family

Or better yet, just die. I've actually always wanted to hang myself.

But you can't just youtube 'how to tie a proper noose' and I don't think I have a proper place to hang it

but those are excuses. I am going to go write my suicide notes now, just in case, because you never know what will happen.

We find out on friday if we got the job.

I just seriously want to die.

going to go spend my last 9$ on chips and chocolate. and eat/puke my life away, after I write my suicide note and then sleep.