c'est quoi le point

Back from Vegas. Had a good trip. Didn't get as much pool time as I would have wanted, but my guy danced with me all night two nights in a row, so I can't complain.
Coming back to real life though, I realize I have put my problems away and they have resurfaced.
I feel as though I am drowning in sorrow and my thoughts are not pleasant and  feel as though I am back to square 1 in every aspect of my life: no motivation (academic, social, physical, mental) aside from motivation to kill myself.
That sounds depressing and pathetic, but oh well, that is my state of being right now. 
I am not sure how exactly to overcome this.
Things that I am lightly touching upon are these facts:
1) My bf and I are not meant to be together for an extended period of time
2) I am scared: of his moods, that he will think me dumb, hurt me intentionally/unintentionally
3) I do not wish to live, but if I die, it must be planned and the clean up/sorting through my possessions must be as painless as possible for the people that care about me
4)I will never be happy with who I am, physically nor mentally. 
I'm not sure what to do, so I am doing nothing. 
I have always felt that God has a plan for me, that he is trying with all his might to help me out through people, that I am meant to do something, but I think that is just a delirious thinking pattern.
God does not exist, 
Sooner or later, people will stop helping me 
I will be on my own
And without the push of others and the feeling that they believe in me
I become nothing
I do nothing
I am nothing

CJ

I should become a fit blonde apparently

Guy that I'm seeing right now (who I am in Vegas with right now) says 'ya, i'd like you if you were fitter'
gee. fucking thanks. I 'm working on it
and then later, we were looking at chicks walking around the strip and he proceeds to say 'I have a thing for blondes,'
I am the complete opposite from a blonde. the only thing white about me are my blue eyes and attitude,
THANKS GUY. 
that really helps my self esteem right now.
Hopefuly I can enjoy the rest of our Vegas trip without having to purge to feel better about myself
and the fact that my boyfriend prefers the type that definitely is not me. 
He doesn't know I have an ED and that I am extremely emotionally fragile, but even if he did, he would have said those things, because he's a really honest person and that is just how he is.
Sometimes I wish our society encouraged blatant honesty. 
but at times like this, I most certainly thankful it does not. 
CJ

Alone and it suits me fine

It's nice to have a blog nobody looks at anymore. 
I can write whatever I want to, without judgement.
It is interesting to see how much I have changed.
I won't say grow or evolved, because in some areas I have, and in other I have digressed. 
So I will say changed.
Vegas in 3 days, and all I want to do is die. 
I've gained a lot of weight. Told myself that I was recovering. what a lie. Now I can't even look at myself (not even my face, which I could tolerate beforehand) and many things seem to be going downhill.
I am fat. fat. fat. fat. I want to bury my knife deep in my stomach and let it all out.
But alas, I have commitments. 
hmm, maybe I have recovered in some aspect of my life. 
CJ