Back from Vegas. Had a good trip. Didn't get as much pool time as I would have wanted, but my guy danced with me all night two nights in a row, so I can't complain.
Coming back to real life though, I realize I have put my problems away and they have resurfaced.
I feel as though I am drowning in sorrow and my thoughts are not pleasant and feel as though I am back to square 1 in every aspect of my life: no motivation (academic, social, physical, mental) aside from motivation to kill myself.
That sounds depressing and pathetic, but oh well, that is my state of being right now.
I am not sure how exactly to overcome this.
Things that I am lightly touching upon are these facts:
1) My bf and I are not meant to be together for an extended period of time
2) I am scared: of his moods, that he will think me dumb, hurt me intentionally/unintentionally
3) I do not wish to live, but if I die, it must be planned and the clean up/sorting through my possessions must be as painless as possible for the people that care about me
4)I will never be happy with who I am, physically nor mentally.
I'm not sure what to do, so I am doing nothing.
I have always felt that God has a plan for me, that he is trying with all his might to help me out through people, that I am meant to do something, but I think that is just a delirious thinking pattern.
God does not exist,
Sooner or later, people will stop helping me
I will be on my own
And without the push of others and the feeling that they believe in me
I become nothing
I do nothing
I am nothing
CJ
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