Life in Ruin

It's hard to stay motivated when ones' counterpart has the determination of a sloth. 

But despite that, I find myself finding happiness in life here and there. 

Little things like reading have brought me joy and I find mysel wondering why I ever stopped renting books from the library. 

I was allowed to work out for the first time since my surgery. I lasted 15 minutes on the treadmill, which is pathetic, but at least it is something. 

I'm not sure what to make of life right now, but I believe it's moving in a good direction. 

It is hard to forget my past, however. I harness a large amount of regret that festers in me and I am scared it will destroy me. 

CJ

One Day At A Time

Sometimes, I wish the people around me would just grow up and be responsible and take control of their lives so that I can live mine without having to stress about them triggeri my anger/ hostilities. 

Philippe won't do his proserve so he can get a new job because "he will just say he has it and then get it once he is hired". So why isn't he out looking for a job today then? 

Dove can't budget to save her life, which is making my bills worse when it's time to pay things because she's always late. 

James has just really screwed his life up and putting so much stress on us all because he might go to juvie (but either way he is kicked out of school ...again... For knocking a kids teeth out and going him a broken nose. 

And with all of this going on that directly affects me, I am supposed to keep on being happy and smiling and focused and not relapse into any bad habits while the stress suffocates me? How very unrealistic. I can't work out because my heart still hurts from the incision, so I am useless and resorting to being a useless blob of nothingness.

Things will get better, they always get better...right?

CJ

Domo Origato Robococo

Officially a robot. 
Well, kind of.
The heart thing hurts really really bad. I don't know why I thought I would be able to work out today.
I'm retarded.
My weight sucks because of the stupid IV hydration. Want to  cry, but I won't because I will be able to work out soon. 
Positivity

CJ

Sunday not-so-funday

Just spent four hours cleaning the place before they get home. 

I'm exhausted and I have so much on my mind to the point where I just want to sit and cry and give up. 

I'm not going to, because I have worked so hard, but in the meantime I just feel utterly hopeless. 

Stupid calories making me insane

CJ

It's like drowning...

Sometimes I try to not breathe and see if I pass out
because it's better than puking and the only thing I can do to control things sometimes
I feel vile and worthless and guilty because I can't keep the emotion in anymore and it's seeping out
But I'm too stubborn to cry, so instead I puke and refuse to give in to the emotions
If I do, I will be lost again for an indefinite amount of time. 
And I would rather be drowning, but able to see the light as opposed to be being drowned in darkness. 
I have messed up my plans and I hate myself for it. 
I still hate my birth mother. 
And I hate my ex-best friend.
And I am not sure what to think about Marcus, except I get sad. 
I don't want to be lost in darkness, but I don't see any other choices coming up soon. 

CJ

No binge November

Tried on a dress I wore two years ago when I was at my lowest. 
Got into it.
But now I can't get out. haha (roommate is going to die laughing trying to help me)
Have a christmas party to go to in 24 days. I am determined to fit into this dress perfectly by then.
It will keep me motivated. 
had a chocolate, a handful of chocolate chips and 4 coffees today.
Going to make myself some tea, have a super tiny supper (my grandmother is in town) 
and then go tan and work out. 
I will lose an extreme amount of weight these next three weeks so when I am seen at the party,
I will be the pretty, tanned, tall, fit, skinny girl that my friend deserves to have by his side.
November will be a good month. 
It has to be. 

CJ

I am that girl

I am the bitch girlfriend.
I am the psycho friend.
I am the moody granddaughter.
I am the reason they all cry at night.

His best friend came over for a visit today. Best friend is permastoned. 
He knows I don't like it if I'm around when they get high but he stil did.
So I'm locked in our room, pissed out of my tree. I don't even want to talk to hum or be with him right now .
I want him to get rid of all his loser friends and get better ones. 
I want him to grow into a responsible adult I know he can be, because I need that from him.
But I'm petrified he won't.
So I will probably sabotage our relationship over the course of this year and beat him down until he either leaves or he succumbs to my wishes and becomes the person I want him to be. 

I'm so messed up.

CJ