It's like drowning...

Sometimes I try to not breathe and see if I pass out
because it's better than puking and the only thing I can do to control things sometimes
I feel vile and worthless and guilty because I can't keep the emotion in anymore and it's seeping out
But I'm too stubborn to cry, so instead I puke and refuse to give in to the emotions
If I do, I will be lost again for an indefinite amount of time. 
And I would rather be drowning, but able to see the light as opposed to be being drowned in darkness. 
I have messed up my plans and I hate myself for it. 
I still hate my birth mother. 
And I hate my ex-best friend.
And I am not sure what to think about Marcus, except I get sad. 
I don't want to be lost in darkness, but I don't see any other choices coming up soon. 

CJ