I've got one hand in my pocket and the other one is...

My step dad loves my cousin more than he loves me. True that the kid is a boy and my step-dad has an old world mentality but still. He has NEVER came to a gymnastics competition (12 years) or taekwondo tournament (3 years) or called me just to say hi. He's never done anything for me unless my mom made him. 10 years he's been my step-dad and not once has he shown me any kind of support. And now my cousin is here for ten months and he has gotten more love and attention and invites to go camping and whatnot with them than I have in 10 years. It's eating me alive.
Speaking of eating- I ate veggies, oatmeal, a bit of pollock, eggwhites and some chocolate chips today.
calorie value: 500 calories. A TON. But I worked out today and almost puked from it
So yay me. I got almost 90% on my pro-ana website essay.
Life is good aside from having no real father figure in my life and thus craving male attention.
Am I going to hit my goal numero uno by monday? Eff to the Yes!


That's all folks!

Intervention: "CJ"

I want to be fat skinny. I want to not be bent over the toilet until I pass out. 
I hate my stomach. My scars. The words etched into my body. The judgements that follow me wherever I go when people notice them. I want to be free of this condemned shell. I want to be happy. I don't want to look at the blob in the mirror anymore. I don't want to face the reality that I have become. I want to see a happy girl. Clear skin. Toned body. Smiling face. Long silky hair. Beautiful collar bones. Concave stomach. A boyfriend who's smile does not try in vain to mask sadness and despair. 
Do you hear what I'm saying? I don't want the life I live anymore. I don't want this eating disorder. But I don't want to be fat. Don't you see? This is the only way I'll be happy. I will lose friends, family, opportunities, self respect, everything, on this path. But I can always create new friends, family isn't everything, self-respect can be rebuilt and opportunities will come again.
I'm willing to sacrifice everything to shed this skin, be a new, thinner person I will be proud of, what are you willing to lose?

lkdjgaflasiuf

I want to be sick

I want to be so sick, I can barely move without hurting

and every ligament and bone will show through my skin

and I will be spaced out

maybe medicated

I would give anything for that

to wake up tomorrow

I want it so much it makes me cry

and makes me sick to my stomach (perhaps it is butterflies)

I want to be perfect again

3,2,1..rant time!

Controversy: Skins show

First off, to all of the people bitching about the amount of drugs and sex and the show and the fact that it is sending a bad message to kids: grow the fuck up. Parents have a duty to be aware of what their young children are watching on the tv and computer. They have an obligation to protect their children and have conversations with kids about what's wrong and right and how everything on tv is bullshit. This is what real life is like. Sex is great. Drugs are great. But do too much and it will fuck you up. It is the parents job to inform the bloody children to not be whores and junkies.

But on another note, I watched the social network and it was fine, but mark zuckerberg does not seem like a very nice person.

On yet another note, I'm fat, purging like a pregnant woman and have cheeks so swollen that i look like I have chipmunk cheeks.

How is everybody? I'm not even sure if anybody reads this anymore. I'm alright with that, it'd just be nice to know if there aren't, then I can say whatever I want without offending.

here'S a secret: I hate fat people. I don't pity them, I hate them and think they are disgusting pigs and there is no excuse. I'm surrounded by them and it makes me sick.

Sorry.

Get thin. Stay thin. Die trying.

Truth is beautiful; Without doubt, But so are Lies

How old is Ben Affleck? Actually, I don't care. I just want him. He is far too yummy. It's the weekend soon, and tomorrow I will be snowboarding with my friend (and by snowboarding I mean doing blow) so I will be losing 3-4 pounds by monday. Hooray!

I hope you are all having a good week, sorry I've been such a downer lately, but my money is finally coming in (I'm getting money every month to go to school, woohoo) so life is looking up and I want to keep it that way.

Nose no longer bleeds when I purge, and I've been doing a lot lately (up to 5 times a day again) so hooray for no more nose bleeds!

Stay strong, we'll all be able to get there soon, I know it!

Happy hump day

Every time I puke, my nose bleeds

Every time I work out, I gain weight

I'm failing English, no idea how

I'm not going to therapy

My boyfriend will prob break up with me soon

That's all there is to report

Why do you have tampons? "I get really bad nosebleeds"

After my drug fandango, I now get nose bleeds every time I purge

It doesn't bug me too too terribly, but it's quite annoying

I have nothing else to report really,

Still at the same weight, went to the gym, doing homework

Sometimes I feel like if I was dead, my family would be less stressed( 100% true)

And then I realize that everybody's life would be better if my BPD went away and I was fat

Then I say, no, just the BPD can leave, I'm fine with my ED, we're best friends.

My therapist is back Tuesday, yay!

For my english class, we had to write a persuasive essay on a controversial topic, I chose pro-ana websites, but I wrote it in such a way that you can't tell that I have an ED. win? maybe.

I'll blog when I have something interesting to say,

xox