fivefivesix zeropointtwo

So yesterday I went out with a friend to the club and we made a McDo stop and I caved.

My total for yesterday was:...... 556 cals

Almost twice what I wanted, but at least it was under 600 and at least I dropped .2 pounds

(not a lot, mainly because I didn't go to the gym and I didn't purge) I am on day 3 of not purging and I am not sure if I want it to keep going. I think so long as I am eating under 500 calories, I won't feel compelled to purge. I love purging to be dead honest, the relief, the pain, the exhaustion, I love it all, but I would rather go back to just restricting because I am scared to death of my teeth getting gnarlier and restricting is better with looking good, because my stomach stays small instead of stretching because of a binge, ya know what I'm sayin?

Also, I can't bring myself to purge in this house, with the roommate or Marcus, you can hear everything in the bathroom, so restricting it must be, so I will not be fat and gross

I ate oatmeal (110) and tea (0) for breakfast, driving 6 hours today which involves tons of coffee (0) and by the time I get back, I will have missed supper and will be passing my gym, so I am bringing runners in the car. Today should be under 200 calories, there is no reason for it to be over that.

Wish me luck!

CJ

oh ps, I am aware coffee and tea do not really only have zero calories, but I ignore that in my mind because there are only 2 ish and it makes me feel better about drinking tons of it

Busy hands are happy hands

Moved last night, and I am all set up here.

There are magpies outside the window though and they sound like dying peacock car alarm chickadees. I want to shoot them, but alas I have no gun, so I will accept them as a natural alarm clock (I already have 3, I could use another one)

This morning I had an egg and peppermint tea - 80 cals

Then for lunch I am having a cup of soy milk and a cup of chicken broth , 2 pieces of mini-wheats- 98 cals

Friend is coming over for coffee so I will have some earl grey tea- 0 cals

then for supper I will have some cherries (22) and green tea - 94 cals

so my intake will be :272 ish

And then to the gym tonight so I should be down tomorrow

Also, walked around the mall in heels applying for jobs and got hired at american eagle and earls.

Almost applied to Victoria's Secret. If I don't have enough hours between those two, that is what I will do that too. But considering those were the only two (aside from garage and bps, but I don'T count those because I didn'T talk to a manager) I applied to, and it only took me 2 hours (including interview time, park time, walk time) I feel very accomplished.

I have two days before I start work and I feel so bored. So I am going to read my kindle and study for Earls training.

CJ

Pretty women

my food bag is all packed, the contents are as followed:

-4 teas (peppermint, earl grey, green, blueberry pomegranate)

-a box of chai tea

-espresso

-3 different broths

-low cal mocha flavouring

-4 packets of low sugar oatmeal

-box of poptarts

I believe I am set for the next week at least. I really like being food poor and not being able to mooch off Marcus's roommate

Some days I feel useless, some days I feel useful, today I feel lazy. Packing, but never feeling fully prepared, feel like I will forget something. I hope I don't, but I probably will. I have my kindle and my phone, my pjs and my dresses, my heels and my flats and my scale and my hair straightener. What am I missing? Who knows

I need to weigh myself tomorrow, I am pretty sure I gained, I feel bloated and I can see a double chin. I hope I didn't go over 99+16. I'm such a poor excuse of a girl

CJ

Sunday Sunday Sunday

I am so over staying at this weight, but I have to wait just a little longer to drop again, or they will find out and yell.

3 more days. cannot wait.

there will be a 24 hour gym near my house

and I will work all day and night so I have no time to eat anyway

so excited .

I will stop being like fat lump of lard at 112. barfbarfbarf.

off to pack and clean this house so I am set for later and don't have to worry

also, this is out of left field, but I need to tell somebody and you are as good as anybody!

1) I miss God. And have always wanted to be a nun, but I am such a fail at being a good catholic. (I have been known to puke up my communion wine + wafer)

2) Poli sci and sociology are not really my uni choices. I would rather study my religion in depth and learn others too

3) It says nowhere in the Bible that an eating disorder in a sin as far as I know, why should I be ashamed?

have a good weekend

CJ

'youguys are amahhzing mahn'

had my grad and myafter grad camping, ate a bit of salad, some oatmeal, half a hot dog and some froot loops. considering thats all I ate wed-today, its not too shabby.

I won't miss most of them, and the ones that I will miss, I didn't say goodbye to. I didn't want to bawl in front of them and if I said goodbye to them, I would have bawled like a baby and never wanted to let go. I'll see them in two weeks and at school in September so I am focusing on that.

In my grad pictures there is clearly always a space in between my legs, it makes me happy. I also look like a giant.

If I was any good at photoshop/ cropping out faces I would show all of you, but alas I am not so I will leave it to your imaginations :)

Have a great weekend, I am going to sleep and weigh all weekend and do nothing else, because I am exhausted

xxoxox CJ

won't you take me to funky town

Cowtown turned into Crazytown today

tried on my dress for tomorrow

looked disugsting, fat legs seeping out

then noticed the dry cleaners forgot to get the stain out

got the problem fixed with a lot of crying and swearing and yelling

then our limo got moved up so I had to move my hair appt up

she didn't want to

cry swear yell- problem fixed

tanned, my stomach doesn't touch my bottoms because of my hips.

happy face

realize that fat has just seeped to the muffin tops and legs

cry cry purge

Supper time I sat down with the family, we talked about OJ having porn stars on his facebook as friends (hes 14) and how that is ok but me texting at the table is unacceptable behaviour.

made a mean comment about when he gets molested again I will say I told you so

leave table cry purge

and now I'm doing my nails and they are a pretty pink

Will I ever have a normal day?

CJ

ready, set, rant!

I hate PT lately. So much.

If I want to ask people how long they wait after they eat until they purge for curiosity purposes, I should not be scared that I will be labelled as 'looking for tips'

note: I haven't done this or never have, but what if I wanted to?

Jesus, stop censoring shit. Most of theses girls on it are all fat girls looking to get into the 'normal' weight range anyway. and 'omg you're perfect the way you are' posts. No, clearly you are not perfect the way you are. You are fat. You are ugly. The world would be a more beautiful place if you got off your fat ass, signed off PT and went to the fucking gym and got rid of your muffin tops.

I'm sorry if anybody is offended by this post, but holy eff balls, it's the internet, you are anonymous on here, tell the truth for a fucking change people. Stop pretending to think they are perfect the way they are or what ever other bullshit you are typing on the fucking computer.

ok I'm done being a monster bitch now. (but at least I had the fucking balls to be real)

CJ