finally got the computerback

Shit, I leave for two weeks and the whole world goes to hell I'm still at the same weight. I don't know how long this has been. I've been trying to stay positive and productive, It's not really working I've finally cracked. I cried during phantom of the opera and the mummy returns. and then everytime I see a spider in my house (its that time of year) I burst into uncontrollable sobs and hyperventilate for a good 10 minutes (im not a pansy) I just need to get through the next two weeks and then I will be ok. (oh and pass my exams) also, people from my past are trying to re-enter my life and upset the delicate balance I've created I am strong enough to say fuck off, I am strong enough, I am strong, I am. I think therefore I am. I am obese. A whale. Disgusting. Had my award ceremony for school. didn't win anything. I have the second best marks and I got beat by the one person in every single thing. The athlete, school president, brains, good looking guy who has a great life and balances things and doesnt have to think about finding a place to puke, or what his thighs measure, or how he's going to pay his family's bills, or if he should kill himself. "but CJ, he might have family problems, you dont know" yes I do. its a graduating class of 25, we know damn near everything about each other. trigger trigger binge binge purge purge purge. Always purge up blood. It makes me smile. Im doing well, look at me now, "you didnt notice I lost weight" "yes i did, I just dont need to say it" "I worked hard to lose this, a little recognition would be appreciated" "you look skinnier" "well now, it doesn't mean anyhting" it doesnt. cos its still 99+13. I will get down. 99 and lower. never touch triple digits again. If I have to destroy every bridge except one, I will do it I promise no more long ranty posts, for a while