J'amerai être une morte

she'll go to the gym after working today, maybe if she were thinner, he would have stayed

-jj heller What Love Really means

I do not know what to say today

I am sad I want to cry like a normal person

I am so tired of burying emotions

and puking and hating myself and my life

I desperately miss God

but I don't think I am willing to change

maybe I don't know how to open my heart

I wish I could love better

was willing to

I watched a movie called TiMER

I can't stop thinking about it

I miss my boyfriend

18 days to be without him never used to be a huge deal

and now it is

I'm not supposed to love somebody like this

this much

I'm not sure what to feel

I don't deserve it

I just want to cut myself crazy bad right now

a nice big long slice down my fat stomach

I didn't puke after anything I ate today

I am revolting

This is probably why I have so much emotion inside right now

because I didn't puke any of it out

fuck

CJ

"I wish..." She said and stopped. There was nothing that could be gained by wishing for it. A final deep shaky breath, and she was ready to go on.

-Golden Compass:His Dark Materials Book One; Philip Pullman

the good the bad and the ugly

I woke up a pound down from yesterday which is kind of nice

I fasted all day yesterday and worked in heels for a crazy long shift and lifted plates and this and that

so I had hoped it would have been more lost

but at least it is something

I have some weird eye thing, maybe a sty, regardless, I look like forest whitackers daughter because my eye is so droopy. gross

150 cals today, I work tonight and might even try go find somewhere to tan and read, i've started reading the catcher in the rye on my kindle, hopefully I will enjoy it

have a great day

CJ

so over this crap

fuck this

I had a really good weekend and then

boom

i cant have my chicken (40 cals per 1/2 breast) with the mustard sauce I wanted

and now I am in my room trying not to cry

and I am hardcore moping.

food affects/controls my life

fuck

CJ

I miss home

I feel like I am a huge nuisance to Marcus here

Nothing more

We don't go do things with other people, and maybe I am paranoid

but I get the feeling he is ashamed of me. I'm not sure

I want to be back home, where somebody will ask me how my day was and actually care and listen

and when I ask the same question, I get a detailed answer.

I miss feeling like I am part of someone's life outside these four apartment walls.

I want somebody to offer to help me clean or ask my help to cook supper

To include me in decisions, to ask me for advice

To show me that I am important and he/she genuinely cares about me/my life

I miss how my grandma would take care of me when I am sick, be extra nice to me, because she trusts that I will do the same for her

I think that is what this really all is. I just want somebody to love me like I need to be so that I can return that love.

I want a hug

CJ

the good and the bad

down 6.6 pounds since sunday

but I keep fainting even though I am eating

I dunno what's up and it's wrecked my weekend

CJ

email my heart

today is the worst day OF MY LIFE

worse then when cathleen disowned me and worse than jayla pulling the trigger

complete and utter heartbreak

fuck

past the 4 pound mark!

Yesterday, I had a fabulous day

Except I was not outside as much as I would like to be

but my university confirmation finally came so it is 100% official, which is nice to hear

I am down .8 from yesterday, so I am cruising along quite nicely I think

MY skin is also a tad clearer, I think it is from not really purging and the stress being lifted off my shoulders financially for a little while here

Today is a 400 cal day, but since I work tonight, I doubt that I will have that much, because I am not a huge fan of eating after work, or a night time anyway, but I suppose we will see.

I am going to be productive today and tidy this place up and tomorrow I am going to vacuum/ dust because I don't think the boys have done that here since the roomies grandparents came to visit in march I think it was.

Well I am off to have a shower now to kick my butt into a productive gear,

have a great day and stay strong

CJ

Whoop Whoop!

3 pounds down since sunday, can I get a whoop whoop (whoop whoop!)

Nikki and I made a goal where we are going to work out 3 times this week at least, not go over the calories alloted (im still doing abc, I love how it works for me and makes sense) and get down 3 pounds /maintain until next sunday

I'm going back to my grandma's house in less than two weeks to pick my stuff up, go on a shopping spree and what not and I need to look great. that is my motivation right now.

There are fruit flies everywhere in our house. I don't know how they got here, but they are driving me insane and I Want them gone!

Going to work out tonight.

Fainted yesterday at work. I wasn' feeling the greatest and then I kind of passed out in the kitchen against the wall (so not a full faint, but close enough) and they thought I should go home but sit down and drink some juice and eat some and I told them I was fine and that I had eaten right before work so it isn't like I was starving or anything. I hope they forget about it tomorrow.

Today's total is 300 calories and I am excited because I can eat my oatmeal today! ( oatmeal is the only food (and 35 cal yogurt) that doesn't make me want to puke)

Have a great day!

CJ

For a moment, just a moment, I belong

Sometimes I forget to breathe. I sit there and just then all of a sudden I think 'I am not breathing'

I saw a girl at the mall with the tiniest legs. She was just a sack of bones. Maybe 60 pounds at my height?

She was gorgeous

I want to be her, I want to be too tired to move but do it anyway

I don't want to get out of bed.

I am going to do an abc diet type thing for the next two weeks because I always enjoy planning out what to eat according to calorie limits that I write down

And ABC is a fun little break that helps shed some pounds.

Hopefully Marcus doesn't get angry for it

He is being more supportive now. We went grocery shopping (yes, me. I went into a grocery store and didn't cry or break down!!) and we only got healthy food (veggies, yogurt, oatmeal, meat for him etc) and he even put the chips back when I said no!

So abc should be ok

I hope everyone is having a good weekend

CJ

it's all about the he said she said

I would tell you all what I am doing right now

instead of sleeping,

but you dont want to know

and I don't want to tell you

Here we go again

So last night, I had a huge breakdown. I never cry and I especially never cry in front of anybody except my grandma, and even then it was very controlled. So Marcus and I went grocery shopping and everything was healthy (I didn't let him buy chips, he was bugged by it but he didn't put up a fuss thank goodness). He made us a really nice dinner of sauce chicken (chicken with the skin on it in a sauce on ketchup brown sugar and onion soup mix) and rice.

Well he took a large plate and I took a side plate. I filled 1/2 the plate with carrots, 1/4 with salad with a low cal redpepper dressing and then took a bit of rice and chicken. I ate the veggies first and drank a litre of water with them meal and didn't finish the chicken, but I never felt full. I don't think I know how to feel full anymore.

Right after that I went to the gym to burn it all off instead of puking.

Then when I came home and we were in bed, I became restless. It was all still in me and eating me from the inside out.

I pinched it.

Held it.

I wanted to cut it off.

And then I cried. and kicked and kept saying 'i want to cut it off. I want it gone. I can'T take this any longer'. or something along those lines.

So I was rolling around, trying to pinch my fat, Marcus was holding me down, I'm crying, I think he's crying a bit too.

It was a really bad night.

But I'm glad I cried, I feel so..relieved?

I also bought 3 fashion mags for my huge shopping spree at the end of this month. completely revamping my wardrobe for school. I am so excited, 2 more weeks ish!

I hope you are all having/had a good week

CJ

Despite my crap life

Today was a very good day. I had horrid dreams last night, but I got out of bed at 745 am and had an oatmeal 120cals and green tea.

After that, I went to the gym for a spin class and a tid bit of ab work and stretching.

Then I met up with my friend and we had a picnic in the park. I had a 10cal vitamin water and some spicy sushi roll 225 cals and a bit of completely melted reeses peanut butter cup 200 cals. we also walked to the park which was 15 mins away and it was on a hill, so the climb back up was brutal, I was out of breath when we got to the top.

So all in all around 550-600 calories ingested and around 400 burned up to date (really rough estimate there)

I still am going to work tonight as well, which is at least 3 hours of walking and carrying a tray.

I lost 2 pounds from yesterday as well, so I am feeling really good today!

CJ

happy happy joy joy

I used to think you were actually just tiny naturally

and then I realized you were a blow freak

and now that you stopped,

you've gotten quite thick in the face and hips

and it makes me smile :)

on that note of me enjoying somebody else's misery, I am in a good mood today

I decided I can do this/ can do things

I am feeling motivated

and kind of happy

feeling like my old self.

am actually going to the gym right now!

I dont want to, but I really need to so here I go!!

CJ

this day could not get any worse...

Hannah Donker is modeling again

My life is over

I may have a long cry and hope to die in my sleep

fuck you hannah donker

CJ

Is it so hard to ask

For one person in the world to tell me the truth?

To stop saying 'you are perfect the way you are'

I need somebody to say

'CJ, you are vile and lazy. You used to be skinny and pretty. what happened?

Your skin is horrible, your teeth are yellow, you jiggle when you walk

Why can't you wake up early and go to the gym anymore?

Why won't you stick to an eating plan of 500 calories or less?

How about you stop bingeing and then purging? You should stop purging, your teeth are turning brown.

Stop eating, get your lazy ass to the gym and get motivated,

because, CJ, if you don't, you will be fat and disgusting and not happy with yourself for the rest of your miserable life'

Why can't anybody say this to me? Please. That is all I want. I need to know I am not alone, I am not the only one thinking this. My bmi is 18.3 after my vacation and I need to get my ass in gear

but if nobody sees or admits a difference if my boyfriend loves me anyway, what is the point of caring.

I need to rediscover why I am doing this to body, and start to see some fucking results.

the comments are allowed again, because I feel really lonely.

CJ

3 weeks until school

I'm back

I went to the bf's cabin/bf's family reunion for almost two weeks

got brown, had a huge meltdown, got drunk when we went to town

but it was all in all a nice vacation

I will post properly in a bit

CJ