Here we go again

So last night, I had a huge breakdown. I never cry and I especially never cry in front of anybody except my grandma, and even then it was very controlled. So Marcus and I went grocery shopping and everything was healthy (I didn't let him buy chips, he was bugged by it but he didn't put up a fuss thank goodness). He made us a really nice dinner of sauce chicken (chicken with the skin on it in a sauce on ketchup brown sugar and onion soup mix) and rice.

Well he took a large plate and I took a side plate. I filled 1/2 the plate with carrots, 1/4 with salad with a low cal redpepper dressing and then took a bit of rice and chicken. I ate the veggies first and drank a litre of water with them meal and didn't finish the chicken, but I never felt full. I don't think I know how to feel full anymore.

Right after that I went to the gym to burn it all off instead of puking.

Then when I came home and we were in bed, I became restless. It was all still in me and eating me from the inside out.

I pinched it.

Held it.

I wanted to cut it off.

And then I cried. and kicked and kept saying 'i want to cut it off. I want it gone. I can'T take this any longer'. or something along those lines.

So I was rolling around, trying to pinch my fat, Marcus was holding me down, I'm crying, I think he's crying a bit too.

It was a really bad night.

But I'm glad I cried, I feel so..relieved?

I also bought 3 fashion mags for my huge shopping spree at the end of this month. completely revamping my wardrobe for school. I am so excited, 2 more weeks ish!

I hope you are all having/had a good week

CJ