J'amerai être une morte

she'll go to the gym after working today, maybe if she were thinner, he would have stayed

-jj heller What Love Really means

I do not know what to say today

I am sad I want to cry like a normal person

I am so tired of burying emotions

and puking and hating myself and my life

I desperately miss God

but I don't think I am willing to change

maybe I don't know how to open my heart

I wish I could love better

was willing to

I watched a movie called TiMER

I can't stop thinking about it

I miss my boyfriend

18 days to be without him never used to be a huge deal

and now it is

I'm not supposed to love somebody like this

this much

I'm not sure what to feel

I don't deserve it

I just want to cut myself crazy bad right now

a nice big long slice down my fat stomach

I didn't puke after anything I ate today

I am revolting

This is probably why I have so much emotion inside right now

because I didn't puke any of it out

fuck

CJ

"I wish..." She said and stopped. There was nothing that could be gained by wishing for it. A final deep shaky breath, and she was ready to go on.

-Golden Compass:His Dark Materials Book One; Philip Pullman