Borderline Personality Disorder? Me? Never! HA

Back from manitoba. With a gut and boobs. I ate to be polite and I couldn't purge. They are nice people, but jesus christ do they eat. I am in pain from how swollen my belly is. I may cry writing this. Going to take some exlax (11 today, 11 tomorrow, 11 xmas, 7 boxing day) so by monday i will be empty and I can fast and run and get skinny again because I refuse to be fat.

Went and saw Black Swan with the bf tonight. STUNNING MOVIE. Natalie Portman's chest bones basically made me die they were so stunning. And the movie's ending... (I am going to be a spoiler here so I'm sorry), it made me cry and made me remember that it was my dream to die a white swan. Not through ballet, but once I'm finally over this struggle of getting back down to perfection, I want to die being perfect. My life will be short and sweet and have the perfect ending.

My best friend killed herself February 6th 2006, Almost five years ago. It will be five years in one month and two weeks. I am going to be a stick by that time in order to honor her and feel accomplished and grieve without worrying I'm not perfect enough for her.

I'd like to cry now, but I can't, as my boyfriend is here. I wish he was crazy like me and could understand what it's like to adapt to my surroundings so easily (manitoba, within a day I was talking in their accent) and feel such strong connections and needs to live out books and movies (I talk like them, and see the world though characters eyes for a couple days) I know what you'Re thinking "Why CJ! That's simply crazy!" HI. Im Coco and I'm Nuts.

Have a superb christmas, I'm going to try have sex and see if he even lets me jump his bones without "talking about our feelings" (Seriously, whooo is the girl is this relationship!)

ps- I will make this post pretty in the morning, I promise