I've got one hand in my pocket and the other one is...

My step dad loves my cousin more than he loves me. True that the kid is a boy and my step-dad has an old world mentality but still. He has NEVER came to a gymnastics competition (12 years) or taekwondo tournament (3 years) or called me just to say hi. He's never done anything for me unless my mom made him. 10 years he's been my step-dad and not once has he shown me any kind of support. And now my cousin is here for ten months and he has gotten more love and attention and invites to go camping and whatnot with them than I have in 10 years. It's eating me alive.
Speaking of eating- I ate veggies, oatmeal, a bit of pollock, eggwhites and some chocolate chips today.
calorie value: 500 calories. A TON. But I worked out today and almost puked from it
So yay me. I got almost 90% on my pro-ana website essay.
Life is good aside from having no real father figure in my life and thus craving male attention.
Am I going to hit my goal numero uno by monday? Eff to the Yes!


That's all folks!

Intervention: "CJ"

I want to be fat skinny. I want to not be bent over the toilet until I pass out. 
I hate my stomach. My scars. The words etched into my body. The judgements that follow me wherever I go when people notice them. I want to be free of this condemned shell. I want to be happy. I don't want to look at the blob in the mirror anymore. I don't want to face the reality that I have become. I want to see a happy girl. Clear skin. Toned body. Smiling face. Long silky hair. Beautiful collar bones. Concave stomach. A boyfriend who's smile does not try in vain to mask sadness and despair. 
Do you hear what I'm saying? I don't want the life I live anymore. I don't want this eating disorder. But I don't want to be fat. Don't you see? This is the only way I'll be happy. I will lose friends, family, opportunities, self respect, everything, on this path. But I can always create new friends, family isn't everything, self-respect can be rebuilt and opportunities will come again.
I'm willing to sacrifice everything to shed this skin, be a new, thinner person I will be proud of, what are you willing to lose?

lkdjgaflasiuf

I want to be sick

I want to be so sick, I can barely move without hurting

and every ligament and bone will show through my skin

and I will be spaced out

maybe medicated

I would give anything for that

to wake up tomorrow

I want it so much it makes me cry

and makes me sick to my stomach (perhaps it is butterflies)

I want to be perfect again

3,2,1..rant time!

Controversy: Skins show

First off, to all of the people bitching about the amount of drugs and sex and the show and the fact that it is sending a bad message to kids: grow the fuck up. Parents have a duty to be aware of what their young children are watching on the tv and computer. They have an obligation to protect their children and have conversations with kids about what's wrong and right and how everything on tv is bullshit. This is what real life is like. Sex is great. Drugs are great. But do too much and it will fuck you up. It is the parents job to inform the bloody children to not be whores and junkies.

But on another note, I watched the social network and it was fine, but mark zuckerberg does not seem like a very nice person.

On yet another note, I'm fat, purging like a pregnant woman and have cheeks so swollen that i look like I have chipmunk cheeks.

How is everybody? I'm not even sure if anybody reads this anymore. I'm alright with that, it'd just be nice to know if there aren't, then I can say whatever I want without offending.

here'S a secret: I hate fat people. I don't pity them, I hate them and think they are disgusting pigs and there is no excuse. I'm surrounded by them and it makes me sick.

Sorry.

Get thin. Stay thin. Die trying.

Truth is beautiful; Without doubt, But so are Lies

How old is Ben Affleck? Actually, I don't care. I just want him. He is far too yummy. It's the weekend soon, and tomorrow I will be snowboarding with my friend (and by snowboarding I mean doing blow) so I will be losing 3-4 pounds by monday. Hooray!

I hope you are all having a good week, sorry I've been such a downer lately, but my money is finally coming in (I'm getting money every month to go to school, woohoo) so life is looking up and I want to keep it that way.

Nose no longer bleeds when I purge, and I've been doing a lot lately (up to 5 times a day again) so hooray for no more nose bleeds!

Stay strong, we'll all be able to get there soon, I know it!

Happy hump day

Every time I puke, my nose bleeds

Every time I work out, I gain weight

I'm failing English, no idea how

I'm not going to therapy

My boyfriend will prob break up with me soon

That's all there is to report

Why do you have tampons? "I get really bad nosebleeds"

After my drug fandango, I now get nose bleeds every time I purge

It doesn't bug me too too terribly, but it's quite annoying

I have nothing else to report really,

Still at the same weight, went to the gym, doing homework

Sometimes I feel like if I was dead, my family would be less stressed( 100% true)

And then I realize that everybody's life would be better if my BPD went away and I was fat

Then I say, no, just the BPD can leave, I'm fine with my ED, we're best friends.

My therapist is back Tuesday, yay!

For my english class, we had to write a persuasive essay on a controversial topic, I chose pro-ana websites, but I wrote it in such a way that you can't tell that I have an ED. win? maybe.

I'll blog when I have something interesting to say,

xox

One pill makes you larger and one pill makes you small

SO last night I was really bummed out

I had eaten some broth around 3 pm, and was feeling pretty low about life. Then my good friend called me to hang out. We bought:

Water

20 cal gatorade (for him, not I)

Smokes

5 gs of coke

10 pm-730am rail rail rail

We talked about everything and I feel really good about life, but I feel like death because of the come down of coke (its usually not that bad for me, but nine and a half hours of constant railing will make you feel like poop) . I ended up popping 4 sleep aids (melanonin or something) which helped me feel normal before my appointment. Not doing drugs again this year, talked to the lead therapist in my program and we've concocted a way that I might actually pass my school year and get into university! Now all I have to do is survive my home life.

Once I got home, I napped from 5pm to 11pm. I feel great now, weighed myself just for fun and am back at 99+19.4! Not the greatest number but yaaa teens! 99+16 by monday? I sure hope so!

Mad craving a waffle, but screw that bird! I'm stronger than that!

I'm feeling good, I'm feeling motivated about life, I feel like this is our time to shine!

The little train that could

I would like to dedicate this post to three special people.

1) Gabby- Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou. Thank you for reading my blog, for being my friend on pt and for keeping me sane on the interweb. Your comments and your blog posts make me realize I'm not alone and I can't give up because my world is bigger than just me.

2)Nikki- You are my stronghold in the real world. We don't talk about anything too in depth personal wise, and that makes me feel good, because I have to force myself to be cheery and positive, which in the end, saves me from myself and doing stupid things to myself. If we didn't text every day, I really don't know how I would have made it this far. That sounds a bit extreme, so sorry for that, but really, you give me supreme strength.

3)Marcus (alias)- Thank you for being my boyfriend. For finding me bleeding to death and overdosed when we only first started dating and saving my life. Thank you for putting up with my depression, my lost faith, my borderline personality disorder and the horrible words I throw at you. I'm glad that you are still here. I am aware your love is conditional and I don't want to lose you. You make me want to better myself and stay in school.

I've been such a debbie downer lately and I'm trying to find my footing and focus on the really important things in life such as exercise, Pokemon and getting better. Bear with me a little longer, I shall be back to my old self soon if I really focus on what matters.

I truly love you all, more than I can ever express in words and actions,

CJ

La Fin

I'm sorry I'm mean

I'm sorry I lie

I'm sorry I don't have a job

I'm sorry I cause you pain

I'm sorry I treat you like crap

I'm sorry for the nights I make you cry

I'm sorry I hurt the ones I love most, because they won't leave me

I'm sorry I'm crazy

I'm sorry I puke

I'm sorry I cut

I'm sorry I don't love myself

I'm sorry I won't ever accept who I am

I'm sorry for the hurtful things I do

I'm sorry I never go to school

I'm sorry I'm such a fucking disappointment

I'm sorry that you fell in love with me

I'm sorry I love you

I'm sorry I can not be saved

I'm sorry you keep trying

I'm sorry you'll always fail

I'm so very, very sorry

Have you ever been hungry? Too hungry to eat?

So I haven'T blogged in five days because I had a horrible five days.

recap:

1) cut up my stomach. Will probably scar. Byebye bikini (not that I would wear one anyway, my fat and other scars are bad enough)

2) Friday night, car ended up in a ditch, just got it back today

3) My boyfriend wouldn't let me bring my scale to his house all weekend, so I am fat I believe

4) Been daydreaming about hanging myself in my shower because I will fail school so why bother

5) I got kicked out of group because I missed too many (2 of which were NOT my fault at ALL)

6) I have the worst craving for some blow and a razor

I'm going to fast this week, attempt school, stay sane, drink coffee, purge and cut.

Ahh, the life of a depressed, starved, puking, borderline cutter is full of wonderful things, isn't it

I M 4 U, S I M, 4 F R, N F R N F R

I am so fat compared to one of my friends

She must be 90 pounds

I was looking at my facebook and noticed a picture and I am sitting here wanting to puke and cut and cry because I am a mammoth. A behemoth. A whale. A disgrace to my ed. I am going to go to the toilet and puke my bloody brains out and then go for a walk outside. I don't want to, but I am going to show this body who is boss.

When I come back from visiting my boyfriend this weekend I am fasting for a week. no excuses. I will buy my own pack of cigarettes!

Who knows if I will finish school? I do not wish to go at all this week. I am far too stressed and I missed group again. Oops. I am down half a pound however. Yipee.

I was trying to explain to my boyfriend how there was no pollock in my house (80 cals, it was my safe food today) so I almost cried and he said "This makes me really wonder how you'll handle real life problems" eff you too buddy. But he made up for that comment by sending me something Pokémon related (I can't say what it is, in case he ever reads my blog, because he'll never be an adorable nerd again if I spilled the beans)

okay, that's it! So stay strong, don't eat, stay motivated and don't die yet

*** I went to the bathroom to puke and I always weigh myself before and after, and my scale was not there. How the FUCK did she get in here and take it again. No walk now, I am getting my razors ready. I will puke when I'm done***

Too conflicted for a post that makes sense

I want to scream

I want to cry

I want to cut

I want to purge

I want to die

I want I want I want

I need self control

I need others to believe I am horrible

I need to go upstairs and take pills

I need to find my razor

I need to let my boyfriend go before I drag him down

I need I need I fucking need

to dissappear

When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade, it has too many calories

So, I calmed down after my last post, it was a little extreme, but that is how I am. Black and White. Extremes and Intensity. My boyfriend has left today, and I have lost but two pounds since the first. I am extremely disappointed in myself. Also, my individual therapy has been cancelled because her mom is dying back in Japan. This is two months now, no wonder I'm going stark mad. All my walls are being put back up and I'm beginning to get angry and blank. But no! I must think positive, think of five things in my life that are good:

1. Nikki and I are on a binge-free week and we've done amazing up to date
2. My financial situation may possibly be turned around in a week
3. I have the determination to study every night for my math diploma in three weeks
4. I am losing weight
5. I have a wonderful support system of friends, family and internet stalkers

I'm going to be blog as much as I can while I cram quadratic formulas and statistics in my brain so I do not binge and keep you all informed of my very very boring life that, at the moment, revolves around starving, puking and equations.

ps- thinspiration-pictures.blogspot.com saves my life. Check it out.

pps- I'm sad that some of the blogs I follow have stopped posting for weeks now, and it makes me sad

ppps-The sun in shining and so shall I