It's a good life, that's what I'm told

Remember how I said I would change my weight every time I went down or up? Well even with my fruitloop binge last night I did not budge, still the exact same weight.

My buddy tagged me in some photos from camping a month ago and I look so skinny ( I was even wearing my gross flowy shirt that makes me look fat). this has caused me to be super motivated today.

I am going to clean this house, then go to the gym and do my hair.

I was going to take my car in to get checked but it is pouring rain and I don't want to have to walk home in this crap.

Most people in my class have received their marks and I am stressing about mine. I text my grandma 'have you checked the mail' most days. The mail comes at 330 (what a peculiar time) so I have to wait another 5 hours.

I hope whoever still reads this is staying strong and being healthy

CJ

curse you movies

land before time

movie #2 chomper has 2 claws like every normal sharptooth. (we are just going to forget that his mom + dad are two different green shades and he is purple)

movie #5 chomper has 3 fingers while his parents have 2. he is still purple and his parents are still two shades of green

this goof up is worse than the dvd cover of harry potter where he has brown eyes

not ed related at all, but I had to tell somebody and somehow, posting that on facebook just did not seem acceptable.

sup 50$ of junk food

lets just scrap everything good I said in my last post k?

kay sweet

We want it all with no sacrifice

Hello everybody. I had a very long weekend, what with working everyday.

But I had a great Sunday: church, beach, had a couple's outing with friends.

but then I had a nightmare in which I was going to a casting and some chick came up and started saying all of the crap that I have done (cut, drugs etc) over the last couple years and so the people didn't hire me. I woke up crying. No more modeling ever again as punishment for all my cutting and drug use is a bit harsh, but it is the truth and it breaks my heart.

I haven't purged in forever, mainly because I can't in this house and at work there are always work people in the room. I'm not cured or anything, but it is a nice feeling to just restrict.

Hopefully this lasts. No actually, this WILL last. I would much rather go back to restricting than purging.

Staying under 200 calories today (egg, tea, broth, carrots) and going to the gym after work, no excuses. I will do this. time to get my fat ass in gear.

I hope everyone is well.

CJ

Today is not my day

it really isn't.

yesterday went well, things went smooth

i feel like i am losing touch with reality, my memory is slipping

at training we had to eat (always do) made the excuse i don't eat this and that,

so the trainer modified the pizzas and entrées to suit me so i had no excuse

i ate a piece of pizza (189.4 calories per piece, 1136.5 cals for the whole pizza) a teen carrot. three forkfuls of brown rice

1 oz of salmon with yogurt dill sauce, water, oatmeal for breakfast.

I can't puke here, Marcus noticed I did and called me on it

so I am sitting here crying my eyes out trying to use dbt skills to calm myself down, can't puke.

maybe in a plastic bag instead? it is all in my stomach disgusting and potbelly and it feels revolting and im on the floor pulling my hair sucking in my stomach holding my fat wishing it would go away

i cant do this i cant i cant i cant i cant i cant

dear Lord help me

today is not my day

CJ

today we remember to live and to love

Salut mes amies!

I walked around a lot last night which was good, and (not that you need to know) but I used the rest of my lax. I am still the same weight, but I feel less bloaty and just overall better.

I don't have a lot to write today. Actually, I have a lot, but none of it is ED related and most people won't be interested in my hardknock life. But for those of you who are, here is a quick recap:

I am financially angry. I have 5 grand that I can spend on clothes and the essentials, but they are not willing to give it to me. I would feel so better if I could just buy some clothes I would want to wear.

My mom is dying. She has 10-15 years maybe. Her heart is messed from all the drugs. She came to my little bothers' baseball game and according to my grandma, she is thinner and more worn out and horrible looking than she has ever looked before (even when she did drugs everyday.). I have disowned her, so I don't really care. I hope this kills her within the year so everybody else can move on and we can stop being plagued by her desperate attempts to be part of our family again.

I am too tired to function properly.

That is all i have to write. My man is home tomorrow, which is great. Just means I have to clean a ton. Ugh.

CJ

The moon gravitates around you

I added my stats to my blog.

To remind myself of how crap I've been for the past two weeks.

back up 6 pounds.

barfbarf. I could blame it on bloating and not going to the bathroom enough

But really, It is because I am just a huge disappointment.

That is precisely why I took my comments off.

I couldn't bear the thought of judgements

or imagined judgements.

I am swollen head to toe. This poundage is just water retention and all that other gross stuff I decided.

BarfBarfBarf

anyway, ya, stats will be changed every time I lose/gain. I promise.

No lying here, there's no point.

honestyhonestyhonesty

honestly:I am seriously craving mango icecream+pistachios. Only because I am siting round doing nothing.

54321stop54321breathe54321

Went home this weekend. Bad idea. stressed to the maximum the second I walked in the door.

Wrecked the whole weekend with my spazzy 'I can't handle stress' bullcrap. Got a bit tipsy.

Got fat. fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.

Need to carve that word into my skin until I learn my lesson.

My face is swollen. My hands are swollen. My feet are swollen. I am swollen everywhere.

I just want to close my eyes and sleep forever.

Half a banana+1/2cup soymilk+espresso. I don't even want to count the calories (94)

I need to take my lax.

I will make today a good day. Come home and nap then gym, get my car fixed, pay my phone bill, fill up my tank, starve, not cut, not dream about drugs. I don't wish for bad things when he is around. He is my filter. filters out the bad things, only lets in the good. But he won't be here for two days. I am so pathetic. Must be independent.

Ex told me that he is getting me back if it takes five years. He was the happiest he's ever been with me and he never wants to let that go. Guess what? I don't care. There is a reason I broke up with him. I have found somebody who I actually love and don't need to be coked out of my brain to fuck. so smd and get out of my brain.

Sorry this post really sucks, it was thundering last night, sweltering hot, lightning, woke up at 3,5,6. ie I am a zombie today. I wonder how many calories a brain has in it. hmm.

CJ

Truth is beautiful without doubt but so are Lies

5 Truths:

1) I love crystal light

2) I really believe I can make the world a better place

3) I think arm hair is strange and monkey like, so I shave mine

4) I dance to disney songs in my undies when I am home alone

5) I accept that what happened 5 years ago sucked and that I am a better person for it

5 Lies:

1) I am happy with my curves

2) I never wanted to model. I'd rather use my brain in my job

3) I love myself today

4) I am a very sympathetic understanding person

5) It's ok that what happened 5 years ago sucked and that I am a better person for it

CJ

pay no mind to this post

disgusting.

repulsive.

despicable.

Nothing I can type is close to what I am.

I do not deserve the life I have,

the people.

The body.

I deserve the body actually. this sickening grotesque lump of a body, fat. jiggling.body.

Why do they all think I am perfect? That I am a stunner?

I'm not. I really am not. Sure, I look decent with make up, my hair cooperates every once in a while. But I am not pretty. I am not skinny. I am not fashionable. I am not funny. I am not smart. I sure as fuck am not sexy. I am not. I mean this honestly. Not looking for pity. I really am grotesque.

Why does he want me? Why do any of them want me? I want him, not them, but why do they all want me? Is it because they thought I was easy? That I was a druggie fuck up? Because I screamed of desperation? Why do they all fall for me?

Why the fuck can nobody see what I see. That is all I want. Somebody to say 'yes. you are revolting. You are filth. But I am here to make you better. Prettier. All that you want to be.'

I wish I was sicker again. And that I heard that voice in my head. That sweet, lulling comforting voice saying it is ok, I have support. Please come back.

Please save me from this solitude in my brain that, I know he tries, Marcus cannot accept or comprehend, that my therapist can't fix, that Jayla tried to share.

Help.

CJ

Lucy at the Gym

I have zero energy today

Roommate made tacos last night. I had one

"You don't eat a lot do you" Im eating tacos am I not!

Did not purge yesterday. first day in a a week, I payed for it by going up a pound today.

Trying not to purge anymore ever again, I proposed a deal to the bf:

he comes to the gym with me (if somebody else is there, I am more likely to work extra hard)

we don't go out to eat, we only have healthy food at home (when I'm not home he can order in pizza or whatever but don't leave it round and don't tell me).

In return I promise to only weigh myself every two days (but bloody hell those two days I will weigh a million times) and get down to 102/3 pounds and stop there. (i can stop there right? i can stop there. ...)

We didn't really decide on anything as of yet, but I know what I'm asking him to do is a bigdeal but what I said I would compromise is also. I am sick, he knows this, I will try be less sick though, get down healthier. I just need some fucking support.

Had a shower, supposed to blow dry my hair right after. I am seriously so full of no energy I kaputzed on my bed and can't get up.

Sometimes I wish I didn't have to go to university and work and I could just stay home, bake for charity, read, be a housewife. we'll see what happens in 10 years.

I want to purge, that always wakes me up.

CJ

crap, my ds broke

I think you are skinny enough, you are drool skinny,

you just need a fraction of a hair more muscle tone.

I don't know what to make of this. I had one of those 'question my whole ED and existence' episodes last night and asked a friend if I really would be more attractive and perfect if I was skinnier. according to him no, I just need to stop being flabby. No, I would be better at least 20 pounds lighter and toned actually, so I guess I answered my own question. I'm not ready to be done with this whole thing.

I feel so disconnected from the world right now. I have no friends up here really, (and if I did, I don't have the money for gas to go see them anyway) so I feel alone and useless. The weather is such crap, I don't even want to leave the house. I wish I hadn't moved. Yes, this is good for my ED and stress levels, but truth be told, I am a spoiled brat. I do not enjoy having nobody to get me things or clean up after me. I need somebody around to listen to me talk non stop. I am an attention whore and very high maintenance. When Marcus gets back to town and figures this out, I think he will want me gone. I am so lonely.

Food plan today: oatmeal (110) yogurt (35) broth (10) carrots (45) banana (100) egg (80) total: 380.

work out plan: spin class 530-630 (260-500 cals burned, depending on how hard I push), body flow (yoga/pilates type) 630-730 (100 cals give or take)

fuck, hardly anything in being burned is these classes, no wonder I am still a disgusting fat flabby pig.

must.stay.positive.

CJ

Some comics to make Sunday less depressing

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net


Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net


Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

LOL AT THESE COMICS.

Remember, remember the fifth of November

I always imagine another life before I go to sleep, another reality, another me. I'm taller (apparently 5'10 isn't tall enough for my perfect life) my hair is longer and not damaged, and curls nicely. I live in Paris or Geneva, always speaking French and German. I am in charge of some huge project for social and economic development. I have a happy, balanced, married life. and I am StickThin.

Will being StickThin really make all of that true? Will being under 100 pounds help me through school and help me get a job across the big blue sea? Will puking everyday make my life more stable?

No.No.No. It will, however, make me feel better about myself, so that I feel well enough to go to work, network, make friends, be happy and have a support system. It will make me feel confident about who I am and that confidence will show through and I will get great tips at work which will pay for my schooling so I can get a job. But in the end, I suppose it is really my brains that will get me through all this right? And a brain can't function properly if it is not being fed right?

Yes. Yes.

But, who the heck cares about all that mumbo jumbo, because I am a pound down today thanks to purging and tea and coffee and some cherries. I am pathetic

It's raining, but I am going to force myself to go to the gym anyway, do a spin class, stretch, abs and come home and study. Would have gone to church, but I don't enjoy going alone (what a lame excuse, I disgust myself)

Please Weather Man, make it nice next weekend, I want to go to the beach (granted I have lost 3 pounds) and go to the Indy Finals and to Wicked.

I hope you are all having a better, sunnier weekend than I am.

CJ

ps-on prettythin it now says 'the space between our dreams and reality'. Does he mean the space between my thighs or space as in place as in the website space? I can't stop thinking about the space between my thighs every time I see it. I may have to go puke up my egg. Crap.

BE the customer and BE real.

I am not made for retail. It was so cold my lips were blue and I can't have a water bottle and I don't enjoy folding clothes. Switched my bill to my own name 3 days before the bill comes out and I haven't even had a chance to work yet. Fuck my life. Looks like I am walking to work until I get payed to save money. C'est la vie, calories will be burned.

Yesterday I went to the gym, but only stayed for an ab class, because I took lax the night before and, of course, it kicked in at the gym. Oh well, at least my tummy hurts today, so I know I did something right. Was really good all day, then the roommate bought snackies (ketchup chips and mini reeses pieces) and so I ate and food coma'd. I'm so ashamed, so today I am drinking tea tea tea and coffee coffee coffee and then maybe eat an egg for supper, but try for broth instead.

I am so sorry that I binged yesterday, but I cannot afford to binge anymore which is good.

I hope everybody has a great weekend, I am going to study and hit the gym and be really focused and also try find a church near here.

Sorry, this post was very random, I have a lot on my mind and I can't figure it all out.

CJ

fivefivesix zeropointtwo

So yesterday I went out with a friend to the club and we made a McDo stop and I caved.

My total for yesterday was:...... 556 cals

Almost twice what I wanted, but at least it was under 600 and at least I dropped .2 pounds

(not a lot, mainly because I didn't go to the gym and I didn't purge) I am on day 3 of not purging and I am not sure if I want it to keep going. I think so long as I am eating under 500 calories, I won't feel compelled to purge. I love purging to be dead honest, the relief, the pain, the exhaustion, I love it all, but I would rather go back to just restricting because I am scared to death of my teeth getting gnarlier and restricting is better with looking good, because my stomach stays small instead of stretching because of a binge, ya know what I'm sayin?

Also, I can't bring myself to purge in this house, with the roommate or Marcus, you can hear everything in the bathroom, so restricting it must be, so I will not be fat and gross

I ate oatmeal (110) and tea (0) for breakfast, driving 6 hours today which involves tons of coffee (0) and by the time I get back, I will have missed supper and will be passing my gym, so I am bringing runners in the car. Today should be under 200 calories, there is no reason for it to be over that.

Wish me luck!

CJ

oh ps, I am aware coffee and tea do not really only have zero calories, but I ignore that in my mind because there are only 2 ish and it makes me feel better about drinking tons of it

Busy hands are happy hands

Moved last night, and I am all set up here.

There are magpies outside the window though and they sound like dying peacock car alarm chickadees. I want to shoot them, but alas I have no gun, so I will accept them as a natural alarm clock (I already have 3, I could use another one)

This morning I had an egg and peppermint tea - 80 cals

Then for lunch I am having a cup of soy milk and a cup of chicken broth , 2 pieces of mini-wheats- 98 cals

Friend is coming over for coffee so I will have some earl grey tea- 0 cals

then for supper I will have some cherries (22) and green tea - 94 cals

so my intake will be :272 ish

And then to the gym tonight so I should be down tomorrow

Also, walked around the mall in heels applying for jobs and got hired at american eagle and earls.

Almost applied to Victoria's Secret. If I don't have enough hours between those two, that is what I will do that too. But considering those were the only two (aside from garage and bps, but I don'T count those because I didn'T talk to a manager) I applied to, and it only took me 2 hours (including interview time, park time, walk time) I feel very accomplished.

I have two days before I start work and I feel so bored. So I am going to read my kindle and study for Earls training.

CJ

Pretty women

my food bag is all packed, the contents are as followed:

-4 teas (peppermint, earl grey, green, blueberry pomegranate)

-a box of chai tea

-espresso

-3 different broths

-low cal mocha flavouring

-4 packets of low sugar oatmeal

-box of poptarts

I believe I am set for the next week at least. I really like being food poor and not being able to mooch off Marcus's roommate

Some days I feel useless, some days I feel useful, today I feel lazy. Packing, but never feeling fully prepared, feel like I will forget something. I hope I don't, but I probably will. I have my kindle and my phone, my pjs and my dresses, my heels and my flats and my scale and my hair straightener. What am I missing? Who knows

I need to weigh myself tomorrow, I am pretty sure I gained, I feel bloated and I can see a double chin. I hope I didn't go over 99+16. I'm such a poor excuse of a girl

CJ

Sunday Sunday Sunday

I am so over staying at this weight, but I have to wait just a little longer to drop again, or they will find out and yell.

3 more days. cannot wait.

there will be a 24 hour gym near my house

and I will work all day and night so I have no time to eat anyway

so excited .

I will stop being like fat lump of lard at 112. barfbarfbarf.

off to pack and clean this house so I am set for later and don't have to worry

also, this is out of left field, but I need to tell somebody and you are as good as anybody!

1) I miss God. And have always wanted to be a nun, but I am such a fail at being a good catholic. (I have been known to puke up my communion wine + wafer)

2) Poli sci and sociology are not really my uni choices. I would rather study my religion in depth and learn others too

3) It says nowhere in the Bible that an eating disorder in a sin as far as I know, why should I be ashamed?

have a good weekend

CJ

'youguys are amahhzing mahn'

had my grad and myafter grad camping, ate a bit of salad, some oatmeal, half a hot dog and some froot loops. considering thats all I ate wed-today, its not too shabby.

I won't miss most of them, and the ones that I will miss, I didn't say goodbye to. I didn't want to bawl in front of them and if I said goodbye to them, I would have bawled like a baby and never wanted to let go. I'll see them in two weeks and at school in September so I am focusing on that.

In my grad pictures there is clearly always a space in between my legs, it makes me happy. I also look like a giant.

If I was any good at photoshop/ cropping out faces I would show all of you, but alas I am not so I will leave it to your imaginations :)

Have a great weekend, I am going to sleep and weigh all weekend and do nothing else, because I am exhausted

xxoxox CJ