pay no mind to this post

disgusting.

repulsive.

despicable.

Nothing I can type is close to what I am.

I do not deserve the life I have,

the people.

The body.

I deserve the body actually. this sickening grotesque lump of a body, fat. jiggling.body.

Why do they all think I am perfect? That I am a stunner?

I'm not. I really am not. Sure, I look decent with make up, my hair cooperates every once in a while. But I am not pretty. I am not skinny. I am not fashionable. I am not funny. I am not smart. I sure as fuck am not sexy. I am not. I mean this honestly. Not looking for pity. I really am grotesque.

Why does he want me? Why do any of them want me? I want him, not them, but why do they all want me? Is it because they thought I was easy? That I was a druggie fuck up? Because I screamed of desperation? Why do they all fall for me?

Why the fuck can nobody see what I see. That is all I want. Somebody to say 'yes. you are revolting. You are filth. But I am here to make you better. Prettier. All that you want to be.'

I wish I was sicker again. And that I heard that voice in my head. That sweet, lulling comforting voice saying it is ok, I have support. Please come back.

Please save me from this solitude in my brain that, I know he tries, Marcus cannot accept or comprehend, that my therapist can't fix, that Jayla tried to share.

Help.

CJ