Tis the season

Vacation in four days

weight still a going down

studying like mad for exams

so I will be MIA until the 26th at least

happy christmas/whatever you celebrate

here's to not being fat for the hols!

CJ

failure

Fasted for 3 days.

all by my lonesome, but whatever

I'm strong and I can do this

I can reach my goal.

We leave in 7 days

and I need to lose 8 pounds

it is doable.

absolutely. fast fast starve starve.

I deserve to be skinny

on another note

fuckyoufuckyoufuckfyou

you suck, im sick of your bullshit

if you wanted this bad enough, you would have smartened up

UGH

on yet another note

I can feel myself beginning to have a mental breakdown

but I will not go eat and puke to get rid of my feelings

i will go out with friends

and do homework and be healthy and use my dbt skills

CJ

In a world called ctastophe

I've been so MIA lately, mainly because I've been a fat fucking cow

I need to purge more and drop

I need to do a fuckload of drugs and wither away into nothingness

not buying groceries until we leave (except oatmeal and some more yogurt)

because I don't fucking deserve to eat.

Exams are coming up and I am procrastinating sooo badly.

I am going to clean my room today and do my dishes and write one essay.

And walk to the store

That way I'll burn mental calories and workout calories

trying to stay positive

CJ

russian roulette with a bunch of guns??

I had a long, fun weekend

school work, friends, fashion shows, boyfriend

it was exhausting but good at the same time

Since I was at my boyfriends' house all weekend,

I haven'T weighed, and I won't today,

I've eaten a mandarin orange, zero fat yogurt and green tea

and I am going to go to a dance thing and the gym

so tomorrow I should be down

I just want to be sexy for my christmas trip with my bf

I want him to think I'm the sexiest person in the world

fuck I want a smoke but it is so flipping cold outside

CJ

It's a new day

So I don't know what the fug is wrong with my body

But I am 99+24.4 lbs

and I have 2 shows this weekend

I have walked everywhere, purged everything (never ate more than 300 cals)

played in the snow

kept up with my fluids

and I still won't go down

I think I may need to get myself some laxs, I'm convinced that is the problem and my body doesn't work without them

Staying positive and busy and not giving up though,

because I've got some sweet ass friends who are getting skinny as fuck

and I'm gonna be right down there with them before my Costa Rica trip mid december

CJ

come one come all

guess my weight guess my weight

you don't even want to know, trust me

costa rica for christmas,

water park this saturday

I'm disgusting I don't want to be seen in public with this

I barely leave my room

working out tonight, need to work out hard

cut myself again

bf freaked out, of course he did

I would too if I were him

my body won't stop cracking, it is gross

I am gross

my skin is revolting

fuuuufuufufuu

CJ

noone reads this, I could care less

If I cut myself,

died, bleeding on the floor in my res room,

how long do you think it would take someone to realize?

a couple days I bet, maybe longer, depending

theres nowhere to hang myself really, which is a shame, but I do have all those drugs

from when they took out my teeth

think I could die from all of those?

I would love to do that,

just go to sleep, nice and long, forever

I am going to go puke up my guts and my life,

go tanning then get all pretty, wrap plastic wrap around my body

and go get a book I want and then maybe go to class

I can't die today, because I need to die skinny

CJ

Hello, my name is Pathetic

Photoshoot in a half an hour

and Im so fucking fat today, I don't even know why I said I would do it

yesterday, I was talking with my friend

(he's such a cutie of a guy, not my type at all but I get why girls like him)

and he was talking about how he likes tall, fit, model type girls

(he's searching for the 'perfect girl')

and then goes on to say he's not shy about telling a girl she's pretty.

If he thinks she's pretty, he tells her straight up

and it's like

hold on. I've known you for 6 weeks

and you've never said anything to me

I know he didn't mean it like that

but it's one of those things where I just want people to think that

I'm pretty or fit or skinny or want me or whatever

(everyone wants to be wanted)

and it hurt really bad, so I went into my bedroom and purged

and now I don't want to eat all fucking week and get super skinny

and I know it doesn't matter because my bf loves me and thinks I'm pretty

but I'm so fucking insecure and I need that type of reassurance

I'm so pathetic

and so scared to weigh

because I'm a fucking whale

CJ

and the sun is shining...

I am just refusing to shave

going natural

mainly because I don't trust myself with a razor right now

just ate oatmeal with brownsugar milk and macadamia nut butter

(like 10 mis ago)

and the second I finish this post Im gonna puke like a mother fucker

I havent been good with it lately

(puking has been almost non existant)

so I will puke until acid

and thats a promise

I wish I had a gym to go to with classes and shit

instead of one so far away with no parking

ok, Im panicking puking wise

(ive been trying to delay the purge like I got taught in therpay)

but fuck it I am so done

then I need to get back to homewokr

so little time so much to do

(remmeber that show with mk and ahsley olsen? fuck they're skinny bitches)

omg the puke is like rising out of my body

FUCK

bye

CJ

i look at you with such disdain

Fasting all week

water coffee tea

exbestfriend has abs. fuck her ill be better than her

im so emotionally messed up right now

so ill fast until I cant think

that is my punishment for not purging today and my binge

and for not cutting, or walking to go buy razors

no more eating for cj

she doesn't deserve it

I hate what prettythin has become

with facebook and twitter and whatnot, it aggravates me so much

it is no longer a secure place to talk

not that I have really been on it in a long time but still

Sometimes, I wish Marcus and Sharon did not love me

They give me so much, and I can never pay them back

I dream of winning the lottery and then in my dreams I give Sharon a million dollars so she can be happy

and then I pay for things that will make Marcus and I have a great life (because I have decided I am marrying him but not like I am ever going to say that to him, it makes me sound like I am twelve)

But anyway, if they didn't love me, then I could go be a stripper and make serious cash to pay for my schoolimg

and do drugs to keep me skinny

but I don't want to turn into my mom

so I dream of things that will never happen because I don't have the determination (or care) to get off my fat ass and do anything about it

I dream of having cancer so I have a reason to feel bad for myself (and then I would get all icky and skinny and I would love it)

what happens if you take too much codeine? hmm

happy turkey birthday

So today is my birthday

I got my wisdom teeth out friday

did nothing but be a drugged up bitch all weekend

I don't even know how much I gained

but I cannot puke for 3-4 weeks or I will get crazy infected

I just want cheesecake

and a knife

to eat and then slice my life away

happy fucking birthday to me

all of life's questions...

So postsecret

I hate it.

its all so fucking true

and I wish that sometimes I could share those secrets

that I was those people

fuck

such a good weekend and then one little thing upsets me

114.2

99+15.2

15 pounds to go

4 dropped since monday

pukeypuke

starvrystarve

walking for fashionweek is why i do this dumb shit

feels good to be back

Hello my name is CJ

I seem to be caring less and less about this bullshit

and I want to care more

but I am in such a great place in my life right now

that im like 'hey, ive got a bit, its not that bad'

who the fuck is this and where did my brain go

I need to start mentally breaking down again, self sabotaging everything except school

so that I start caring about my legs

and my ass

and the fat inside of my body

fuck I'm fucking pissed and I have no reason to be

So confused about all of this

who knows

I never blog anymore

I always feel like I am too busy

but really, I am just trying to not think about my weight and how repulsive I am

In my own place, I am in control of what I eat and when and there is no judgement

I am by no means getting better, and if I am, I don't want to be

I have no idea how much I will blog anymore, mainly because nobody reads this so I can't be bothered

I miss the good old days.

fuck

CJ

Just a day, just an ordinary day

Hey, sorry I haven't blogged in a while,

but I don't think anybody reads this anyway

I haven't purged in FOREVER

so I have been restricting and my weight slowly going down

I'll post more later, I can't be bothered to think this early in the morning

CJ

J'amerai être une morte

she'll go to the gym after working today, maybe if she were thinner, he would have stayed

-jj heller What Love Really means

I do not know what to say today

I am sad I want to cry like a normal person

I am so tired of burying emotions

and puking and hating myself and my life

I desperately miss God

but I don't think I am willing to change

maybe I don't know how to open my heart

I wish I could love better

was willing to

I watched a movie called TiMER

I can't stop thinking about it

I miss my boyfriend

18 days to be without him never used to be a huge deal

and now it is

I'm not supposed to love somebody like this

this much

I'm not sure what to feel

I don't deserve it

I just want to cut myself crazy bad right now

a nice big long slice down my fat stomach

I didn't puke after anything I ate today

I am revolting

This is probably why I have so much emotion inside right now

because I didn't puke any of it out

fuck

CJ

"I wish..." She said and stopped. There was nothing that could be gained by wishing for it. A final deep shaky breath, and she was ready to go on.

-Golden Compass:His Dark Materials Book One; Philip Pullman

the good the bad and the ugly

I woke up a pound down from yesterday which is kind of nice

I fasted all day yesterday and worked in heels for a crazy long shift and lifted plates and this and that

so I had hoped it would have been more lost

but at least it is something

I have some weird eye thing, maybe a sty, regardless, I look like forest whitackers daughter because my eye is so droopy. gross

150 cals today, I work tonight and might even try go find somewhere to tan and read, i've started reading the catcher in the rye on my kindle, hopefully I will enjoy it

have a great day

CJ

so over this crap

fuck this

I had a really good weekend and then

boom

i cant have my chicken (40 cals per 1/2 breast) with the mustard sauce I wanted

and now I am in my room trying not to cry

and I am hardcore moping.

food affects/controls my life

fuck

CJ

I miss home

I feel like I am a huge nuisance to Marcus here

Nothing more

We don't go do things with other people, and maybe I am paranoid

but I get the feeling he is ashamed of me. I'm not sure

I want to be back home, where somebody will ask me how my day was and actually care and listen

and when I ask the same question, I get a detailed answer.

I miss feeling like I am part of someone's life outside these four apartment walls.

I want somebody to offer to help me clean or ask my help to cook supper

To include me in decisions, to ask me for advice

To show me that I am important and he/she genuinely cares about me/my life

I miss how my grandma would take care of me when I am sick, be extra nice to me, because she trusts that I will do the same for her

I think that is what this really all is. I just want somebody to love me like I need to be so that I can return that love.

I want a hug

CJ

the good and the bad

down 6.6 pounds since sunday

but I keep fainting even though I am eating

I dunno what's up and it's wrecked my weekend

CJ

email my heart

today is the worst day OF MY LIFE

worse then when cathleen disowned me and worse than jayla pulling the trigger

complete and utter heartbreak

fuck

past the 4 pound mark!

Yesterday, I had a fabulous day

Except I was not outside as much as I would like to be

but my university confirmation finally came so it is 100% official, which is nice to hear

I am down .8 from yesterday, so I am cruising along quite nicely I think

MY skin is also a tad clearer, I think it is from not really purging and the stress being lifted off my shoulders financially for a little while here

Today is a 400 cal day, but since I work tonight, I doubt that I will have that much, because I am not a huge fan of eating after work, or a night time anyway, but I suppose we will see.

I am going to be productive today and tidy this place up and tomorrow I am going to vacuum/ dust because I don't think the boys have done that here since the roomies grandparents came to visit in march I think it was.

Well I am off to have a shower now to kick my butt into a productive gear,

have a great day and stay strong

CJ

Whoop Whoop!

3 pounds down since sunday, can I get a whoop whoop (whoop whoop!)

Nikki and I made a goal where we are going to work out 3 times this week at least, not go over the calories alloted (im still doing abc, I love how it works for me and makes sense) and get down 3 pounds /maintain until next sunday

I'm going back to my grandma's house in less than two weeks to pick my stuff up, go on a shopping spree and what not and I need to look great. that is my motivation right now.

There are fruit flies everywhere in our house. I don't know how they got here, but they are driving me insane and I Want them gone!

Going to work out tonight.

Fainted yesterday at work. I wasn' feeling the greatest and then I kind of passed out in the kitchen against the wall (so not a full faint, but close enough) and they thought I should go home but sit down and drink some juice and eat some and I told them I was fine and that I had eaten right before work so it isn't like I was starving or anything. I hope they forget about it tomorrow.

Today's total is 300 calories and I am excited because I can eat my oatmeal today! ( oatmeal is the only food (and 35 cal yogurt) that doesn't make me want to puke)

Have a great day!

CJ

For a moment, just a moment, I belong

Sometimes I forget to breathe. I sit there and just then all of a sudden I think 'I am not breathing'

I saw a girl at the mall with the tiniest legs. She was just a sack of bones. Maybe 60 pounds at my height?

She was gorgeous

I want to be her, I want to be too tired to move but do it anyway

I don't want to get out of bed.

I am going to do an abc diet type thing for the next two weeks because I always enjoy planning out what to eat according to calorie limits that I write down

And ABC is a fun little break that helps shed some pounds.

Hopefully Marcus doesn't get angry for it

He is being more supportive now. We went grocery shopping (yes, me. I went into a grocery store and didn't cry or break down!!) and we only got healthy food (veggies, yogurt, oatmeal, meat for him etc) and he even put the chips back when I said no!

So abc should be ok

I hope everyone is having a good weekend

CJ

it's all about the he said she said

I would tell you all what I am doing right now

instead of sleeping,

but you dont want to know

and I don't want to tell you

Here we go again

So last night, I had a huge breakdown. I never cry and I especially never cry in front of anybody except my grandma, and even then it was very controlled. So Marcus and I went grocery shopping and everything was healthy (I didn't let him buy chips, he was bugged by it but he didn't put up a fuss thank goodness). He made us a really nice dinner of sauce chicken (chicken with the skin on it in a sauce on ketchup brown sugar and onion soup mix) and rice.

Well he took a large plate and I took a side plate. I filled 1/2 the plate with carrots, 1/4 with salad with a low cal redpepper dressing and then took a bit of rice and chicken. I ate the veggies first and drank a litre of water with them meal and didn't finish the chicken, but I never felt full. I don't think I know how to feel full anymore.

Right after that I went to the gym to burn it all off instead of puking.

Then when I came home and we were in bed, I became restless. It was all still in me and eating me from the inside out.

I pinched it.

Held it.

I wanted to cut it off.

And then I cried. and kicked and kept saying 'i want to cut it off. I want it gone. I can'T take this any longer'. or something along those lines.

So I was rolling around, trying to pinch my fat, Marcus was holding me down, I'm crying, I think he's crying a bit too.

It was a really bad night.

But I'm glad I cried, I feel so..relieved?

I also bought 3 fashion mags for my huge shopping spree at the end of this month. completely revamping my wardrobe for school. I am so excited, 2 more weeks ish!

I hope you are all having/had a good week

CJ

Despite my crap life

Today was a very good day. I had horrid dreams last night, but I got out of bed at 745 am and had an oatmeal 120cals and green tea.

After that, I went to the gym for a spin class and a tid bit of ab work and stretching.

Then I met up with my friend and we had a picnic in the park. I had a 10cal vitamin water and some spicy sushi roll 225 cals and a bit of completely melted reeses peanut butter cup 200 cals. we also walked to the park which was 15 mins away and it was on a hill, so the climb back up was brutal, I was out of breath when we got to the top.

So all in all around 550-600 calories ingested and around 400 burned up to date (really rough estimate there)

I still am going to work tonight as well, which is at least 3 hours of walking and carrying a tray.

I lost 2 pounds from yesterday as well, so I am feeling really good today!

CJ

happy happy joy joy

I used to think you were actually just tiny naturally

and then I realized you were a blow freak

and now that you stopped,

you've gotten quite thick in the face and hips

and it makes me smile :)

on that note of me enjoying somebody else's misery, I am in a good mood today

I decided I can do this/ can do things

I am feeling motivated

and kind of happy

feeling like my old self.

am actually going to the gym right now!

I dont want to, but I really need to so here I go!!

CJ

this day could not get any worse...

Hannah Donker is modeling again

My life is over

I may have a long cry and hope to die in my sleep

fuck you hannah donker

CJ

Is it so hard to ask

For one person in the world to tell me the truth?

To stop saying 'you are perfect the way you are'

I need somebody to say

'CJ, you are vile and lazy. You used to be skinny and pretty. what happened?

Your skin is horrible, your teeth are yellow, you jiggle when you walk

Why can't you wake up early and go to the gym anymore?

Why won't you stick to an eating plan of 500 calories or less?

How about you stop bingeing and then purging? You should stop purging, your teeth are turning brown.

Stop eating, get your lazy ass to the gym and get motivated,

because, CJ, if you don't, you will be fat and disgusting and not happy with yourself for the rest of your miserable life'

Why can't anybody say this to me? Please. That is all I want. I need to know I am not alone, I am not the only one thinking this. My bmi is 18.3 after my vacation and I need to get my ass in gear

but if nobody sees or admits a difference if my boyfriend loves me anyway, what is the point of caring.

I need to rediscover why I am doing this to body, and start to see some fucking results.

the comments are allowed again, because I feel really lonely.

CJ

3 weeks until school

I'm back

I went to the bf's cabin/bf's family reunion for almost two weeks

got brown, had a huge meltdown, got drunk when we went to town

but it was all in all a nice vacation

I will post properly in a bit

CJ

It's a good life, that's what I'm told

Remember how I said I would change my weight every time I went down or up? Well even with my fruitloop binge last night I did not budge, still the exact same weight.

My buddy tagged me in some photos from camping a month ago and I look so skinny ( I was even wearing my gross flowy shirt that makes me look fat). this has caused me to be super motivated today.

I am going to clean this house, then go to the gym and do my hair.

I was going to take my car in to get checked but it is pouring rain and I don't want to have to walk home in this crap.

Most people in my class have received their marks and I am stressing about mine. I text my grandma 'have you checked the mail' most days. The mail comes at 330 (what a peculiar time) so I have to wait another 5 hours.

I hope whoever still reads this is staying strong and being healthy

CJ

curse you movies

land before time

movie #2 chomper has 2 claws like every normal sharptooth. (we are just going to forget that his mom + dad are two different green shades and he is purple)

movie #5 chomper has 3 fingers while his parents have 2. he is still purple and his parents are still two shades of green

this goof up is worse than the dvd cover of harry potter where he has brown eyes

not ed related at all, but I had to tell somebody and somehow, posting that on facebook just did not seem acceptable.

sup 50$ of junk food

lets just scrap everything good I said in my last post k?

kay sweet

We want it all with no sacrifice

Hello everybody. I had a very long weekend, what with working everyday.

But I had a great Sunday: church, beach, had a couple's outing with friends.

but then I had a nightmare in which I was going to a casting and some chick came up and started saying all of the crap that I have done (cut, drugs etc) over the last couple years and so the people didn't hire me. I woke up crying. No more modeling ever again as punishment for all my cutting and drug use is a bit harsh, but it is the truth and it breaks my heart.

I haven't purged in forever, mainly because I can't in this house and at work there are always work people in the room. I'm not cured or anything, but it is a nice feeling to just restrict.

Hopefully this lasts. No actually, this WILL last. I would much rather go back to restricting than purging.

Staying under 200 calories today (egg, tea, broth, carrots) and going to the gym after work, no excuses. I will do this. time to get my fat ass in gear.

I hope everyone is well.

CJ

Today is not my day

it really isn't.

yesterday went well, things went smooth

i feel like i am losing touch with reality, my memory is slipping

at training we had to eat (always do) made the excuse i don't eat this and that,

so the trainer modified the pizzas and entrées to suit me so i had no excuse

i ate a piece of pizza (189.4 calories per piece, 1136.5 cals for the whole pizza) a teen carrot. three forkfuls of brown rice

1 oz of salmon with yogurt dill sauce, water, oatmeal for breakfast.

I can't puke here, Marcus noticed I did and called me on it

so I am sitting here crying my eyes out trying to use dbt skills to calm myself down, can't puke.

maybe in a plastic bag instead? it is all in my stomach disgusting and potbelly and it feels revolting and im on the floor pulling my hair sucking in my stomach holding my fat wishing it would go away

i cant do this i cant i cant i cant i cant i cant

dear Lord help me

today is not my day

CJ

today we remember to live and to love

Salut mes amies!

I walked around a lot last night which was good, and (not that you need to know) but I used the rest of my lax. I am still the same weight, but I feel less bloaty and just overall better.

I don't have a lot to write today. Actually, I have a lot, but none of it is ED related and most people won't be interested in my hardknock life. But for those of you who are, here is a quick recap:

I am financially angry. I have 5 grand that I can spend on clothes and the essentials, but they are not willing to give it to me. I would feel so better if I could just buy some clothes I would want to wear.

My mom is dying. She has 10-15 years maybe. Her heart is messed from all the drugs. She came to my little bothers' baseball game and according to my grandma, she is thinner and more worn out and horrible looking than she has ever looked before (even when she did drugs everyday.). I have disowned her, so I don't really care. I hope this kills her within the year so everybody else can move on and we can stop being plagued by her desperate attempts to be part of our family again.

I am too tired to function properly.

That is all i have to write. My man is home tomorrow, which is great. Just means I have to clean a ton. Ugh.

CJ

The moon gravitates around you

I added my stats to my blog.

To remind myself of how crap I've been for the past two weeks.

back up 6 pounds.

barfbarf. I could blame it on bloating and not going to the bathroom enough

But really, It is because I am just a huge disappointment.

That is precisely why I took my comments off.

I couldn't bear the thought of judgements

or imagined judgements.

I am swollen head to toe. This poundage is just water retention and all that other gross stuff I decided.

BarfBarfBarf

anyway, ya, stats will be changed every time I lose/gain. I promise.

No lying here, there's no point.

honestyhonestyhonesty

honestly:I am seriously craving mango icecream+pistachios. Only because I am siting round doing nothing.

54321stop54321breathe54321

Went home this weekend. Bad idea. stressed to the maximum the second I walked in the door.

Wrecked the whole weekend with my spazzy 'I can't handle stress' bullcrap. Got a bit tipsy.

Got fat. fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.

Need to carve that word into my skin until I learn my lesson.

My face is swollen. My hands are swollen. My feet are swollen. I am swollen everywhere.

I just want to close my eyes and sleep forever.

Half a banana+1/2cup soymilk+espresso. I don't even want to count the calories (94)

I need to take my lax.

I will make today a good day. Come home and nap then gym, get my car fixed, pay my phone bill, fill up my tank, starve, not cut, not dream about drugs. I don't wish for bad things when he is around. He is my filter. filters out the bad things, only lets in the good. But he won't be here for two days. I am so pathetic. Must be independent.

Ex told me that he is getting me back if it takes five years. He was the happiest he's ever been with me and he never wants to let that go. Guess what? I don't care. There is a reason I broke up with him. I have found somebody who I actually love and don't need to be coked out of my brain to fuck. so smd and get out of my brain.

Sorry this post really sucks, it was thundering last night, sweltering hot, lightning, woke up at 3,5,6. ie I am a zombie today. I wonder how many calories a brain has in it. hmm.

CJ

Truth is beautiful without doubt but so are Lies

5 Truths:

1) I love crystal light

2) I really believe I can make the world a better place

3) I think arm hair is strange and monkey like, so I shave mine

4) I dance to disney songs in my undies when I am home alone

5) I accept that what happened 5 years ago sucked and that I am a better person for it

5 Lies:

1) I am happy with my curves

2) I never wanted to model. I'd rather use my brain in my job

3) I love myself today

4) I am a very sympathetic understanding person

5) It's ok that what happened 5 years ago sucked and that I am a better person for it

CJ

pay no mind to this post

disgusting.

repulsive.

despicable.

Nothing I can type is close to what I am.

I do not deserve the life I have,

the people.

The body.

I deserve the body actually. this sickening grotesque lump of a body, fat. jiggling.body.

Why do they all think I am perfect? That I am a stunner?

I'm not. I really am not. Sure, I look decent with make up, my hair cooperates every once in a while. But I am not pretty. I am not skinny. I am not fashionable. I am not funny. I am not smart. I sure as fuck am not sexy. I am not. I mean this honestly. Not looking for pity. I really am grotesque.

Why does he want me? Why do any of them want me? I want him, not them, but why do they all want me? Is it because they thought I was easy? That I was a druggie fuck up? Because I screamed of desperation? Why do they all fall for me?

Why the fuck can nobody see what I see. That is all I want. Somebody to say 'yes. you are revolting. You are filth. But I am here to make you better. Prettier. All that you want to be.'

I wish I was sicker again. And that I heard that voice in my head. That sweet, lulling comforting voice saying it is ok, I have support. Please come back.

Please save me from this solitude in my brain that, I know he tries, Marcus cannot accept or comprehend, that my therapist can't fix, that Jayla tried to share.

Help.

CJ

Lucy at the Gym

I have zero energy today

Roommate made tacos last night. I had one

"You don't eat a lot do you" Im eating tacos am I not!

Did not purge yesterday. first day in a a week, I payed for it by going up a pound today.

Trying not to purge anymore ever again, I proposed a deal to the bf:

he comes to the gym with me (if somebody else is there, I am more likely to work extra hard)

we don't go out to eat, we only have healthy food at home (when I'm not home he can order in pizza or whatever but don't leave it round and don't tell me).

In return I promise to only weigh myself every two days (but bloody hell those two days I will weigh a million times) and get down to 102/3 pounds and stop there. (i can stop there right? i can stop there. ...)

We didn't really decide on anything as of yet, but I know what I'm asking him to do is a bigdeal but what I said I would compromise is also. I am sick, he knows this, I will try be less sick though, get down healthier. I just need some fucking support.

Had a shower, supposed to blow dry my hair right after. I am seriously so full of no energy I kaputzed on my bed and can't get up.

Sometimes I wish I didn't have to go to university and work and I could just stay home, bake for charity, read, be a housewife. we'll see what happens in 10 years.

I want to purge, that always wakes me up.

CJ

crap, my ds broke

I think you are skinny enough, you are drool skinny,

you just need a fraction of a hair more muscle tone.

I don't know what to make of this. I had one of those 'question my whole ED and existence' episodes last night and asked a friend if I really would be more attractive and perfect if I was skinnier. according to him no, I just need to stop being flabby. No, I would be better at least 20 pounds lighter and toned actually, so I guess I answered my own question. I'm not ready to be done with this whole thing.

I feel so disconnected from the world right now. I have no friends up here really, (and if I did, I don't have the money for gas to go see them anyway) so I feel alone and useless. The weather is such crap, I don't even want to leave the house. I wish I hadn't moved. Yes, this is good for my ED and stress levels, but truth be told, I am a spoiled brat. I do not enjoy having nobody to get me things or clean up after me. I need somebody around to listen to me talk non stop. I am an attention whore and very high maintenance. When Marcus gets back to town and figures this out, I think he will want me gone. I am so lonely.

Food plan today: oatmeal (110) yogurt (35) broth (10) carrots (45) banana (100) egg (80) total: 380.

work out plan: spin class 530-630 (260-500 cals burned, depending on how hard I push), body flow (yoga/pilates type) 630-730 (100 cals give or take)

fuck, hardly anything in being burned is these classes, no wonder I am still a disgusting fat flabby pig.

must.stay.positive.

CJ

Some comics to make Sunday less depressing

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net


Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net


Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

LOL AT THESE COMICS.

Remember, remember the fifth of November

I always imagine another life before I go to sleep, another reality, another me. I'm taller (apparently 5'10 isn't tall enough for my perfect life) my hair is longer and not damaged, and curls nicely. I live in Paris or Geneva, always speaking French and German. I am in charge of some huge project for social and economic development. I have a happy, balanced, married life. and I am StickThin.

Will being StickThin really make all of that true? Will being under 100 pounds help me through school and help me get a job across the big blue sea? Will puking everyday make my life more stable?

No.No.No. It will, however, make me feel better about myself, so that I feel well enough to go to work, network, make friends, be happy and have a support system. It will make me feel confident about who I am and that confidence will show through and I will get great tips at work which will pay for my schooling so I can get a job. But in the end, I suppose it is really my brains that will get me through all this right? And a brain can't function properly if it is not being fed right?

Yes. Yes.

But, who the heck cares about all that mumbo jumbo, because I am a pound down today thanks to purging and tea and coffee and some cherries. I am pathetic

It's raining, but I am going to force myself to go to the gym anyway, do a spin class, stretch, abs and come home and study. Would have gone to church, but I don't enjoy going alone (what a lame excuse, I disgust myself)

Please Weather Man, make it nice next weekend, I want to go to the beach (granted I have lost 3 pounds) and go to the Indy Finals and to Wicked.

I hope you are all having a better, sunnier weekend than I am.

CJ

ps-on prettythin it now says 'the space between our dreams and reality'. Does he mean the space between my thighs or space as in place as in the website space? I can't stop thinking about the space between my thighs every time I see it. I may have to go puke up my egg. Crap.

BE the customer and BE real.

I am not made for retail. It was so cold my lips were blue and I can't have a water bottle and I don't enjoy folding clothes. Switched my bill to my own name 3 days before the bill comes out and I haven't even had a chance to work yet. Fuck my life. Looks like I am walking to work until I get payed to save money. C'est la vie, calories will be burned.

Yesterday I went to the gym, but only stayed for an ab class, because I took lax the night before and, of course, it kicked in at the gym. Oh well, at least my tummy hurts today, so I know I did something right. Was really good all day, then the roommate bought snackies (ketchup chips and mini reeses pieces) and so I ate and food coma'd. I'm so ashamed, so today I am drinking tea tea tea and coffee coffee coffee and then maybe eat an egg for supper, but try for broth instead.

I am so sorry that I binged yesterday, but I cannot afford to binge anymore which is good.

I hope everybody has a great weekend, I am going to study and hit the gym and be really focused and also try find a church near here.

Sorry, this post was very random, I have a lot on my mind and I can't figure it all out.

CJ

fivefivesix zeropointtwo

So yesterday I went out with a friend to the club and we made a McDo stop and I caved.

My total for yesterday was:...... 556 cals

Almost twice what I wanted, but at least it was under 600 and at least I dropped .2 pounds

(not a lot, mainly because I didn't go to the gym and I didn't purge) I am on day 3 of not purging and I am not sure if I want it to keep going. I think so long as I am eating under 500 calories, I won't feel compelled to purge. I love purging to be dead honest, the relief, the pain, the exhaustion, I love it all, but I would rather go back to just restricting because I am scared to death of my teeth getting gnarlier and restricting is better with looking good, because my stomach stays small instead of stretching because of a binge, ya know what I'm sayin?

Also, I can't bring myself to purge in this house, with the roommate or Marcus, you can hear everything in the bathroom, so restricting it must be, so I will not be fat and gross

I ate oatmeal (110) and tea (0) for breakfast, driving 6 hours today which involves tons of coffee (0) and by the time I get back, I will have missed supper and will be passing my gym, so I am bringing runners in the car. Today should be under 200 calories, there is no reason for it to be over that.

Wish me luck!

CJ

oh ps, I am aware coffee and tea do not really only have zero calories, but I ignore that in my mind because there are only 2 ish and it makes me feel better about drinking tons of it

Busy hands are happy hands

Moved last night, and I am all set up here.

There are magpies outside the window though and they sound like dying peacock car alarm chickadees. I want to shoot them, but alas I have no gun, so I will accept them as a natural alarm clock (I already have 3, I could use another one)

This morning I had an egg and peppermint tea - 80 cals

Then for lunch I am having a cup of soy milk and a cup of chicken broth , 2 pieces of mini-wheats- 98 cals

Friend is coming over for coffee so I will have some earl grey tea- 0 cals

then for supper I will have some cherries (22) and green tea - 94 cals

so my intake will be :272 ish

And then to the gym tonight so I should be down tomorrow

Also, walked around the mall in heels applying for jobs and got hired at american eagle and earls.

Almost applied to Victoria's Secret. If I don't have enough hours between those two, that is what I will do that too. But considering those were the only two (aside from garage and bps, but I don'T count those because I didn'T talk to a manager) I applied to, and it only took me 2 hours (including interview time, park time, walk time) I feel very accomplished.

I have two days before I start work and I feel so bored. So I am going to read my kindle and study for Earls training.

CJ

Pretty women

my food bag is all packed, the contents are as followed:

-4 teas (peppermint, earl grey, green, blueberry pomegranate)

-a box of chai tea

-espresso

-3 different broths

-low cal mocha flavouring

-4 packets of low sugar oatmeal

-box of poptarts

I believe I am set for the next week at least. I really like being food poor and not being able to mooch off Marcus's roommate

Some days I feel useless, some days I feel useful, today I feel lazy. Packing, but never feeling fully prepared, feel like I will forget something. I hope I don't, but I probably will. I have my kindle and my phone, my pjs and my dresses, my heels and my flats and my scale and my hair straightener. What am I missing? Who knows

I need to weigh myself tomorrow, I am pretty sure I gained, I feel bloated and I can see a double chin. I hope I didn't go over 99+16. I'm such a poor excuse of a girl

CJ

Sunday Sunday Sunday

I am so over staying at this weight, but I have to wait just a little longer to drop again, or they will find out and yell.

3 more days. cannot wait.

there will be a 24 hour gym near my house

and I will work all day and night so I have no time to eat anyway

so excited .

I will stop being like fat lump of lard at 112. barfbarfbarf.

off to pack and clean this house so I am set for later and don't have to worry

also, this is out of left field, but I need to tell somebody and you are as good as anybody!

1) I miss God. And have always wanted to be a nun, but I am such a fail at being a good catholic. (I have been known to puke up my communion wine + wafer)

2) Poli sci and sociology are not really my uni choices. I would rather study my religion in depth and learn others too

3) It says nowhere in the Bible that an eating disorder in a sin as far as I know, why should I be ashamed?

have a good weekend

CJ

'youguys are amahhzing mahn'

had my grad and myafter grad camping, ate a bit of salad, some oatmeal, half a hot dog and some froot loops. considering thats all I ate wed-today, its not too shabby.

I won't miss most of them, and the ones that I will miss, I didn't say goodbye to. I didn't want to bawl in front of them and if I said goodbye to them, I would have bawled like a baby and never wanted to let go. I'll see them in two weeks and at school in September so I am focusing on that.

In my grad pictures there is clearly always a space in between my legs, it makes me happy. I also look like a giant.

If I was any good at photoshop/ cropping out faces I would show all of you, but alas I am not so I will leave it to your imaginations :)

Have a great weekend, I am going to sleep and weigh all weekend and do nothing else, because I am exhausted

xxoxox CJ

won't you take me to funky town

Cowtown turned into Crazytown today

tried on my dress for tomorrow

looked disugsting, fat legs seeping out

then noticed the dry cleaners forgot to get the stain out

got the problem fixed with a lot of crying and swearing and yelling

then our limo got moved up so I had to move my hair appt up

she didn't want to

cry swear yell- problem fixed

tanned, my stomach doesn't touch my bottoms because of my hips.

happy face

realize that fat has just seeped to the muffin tops and legs

cry cry purge

Supper time I sat down with the family, we talked about OJ having porn stars on his facebook as friends (hes 14) and how that is ok but me texting at the table is unacceptable behaviour.

made a mean comment about when he gets molested again I will say I told you so

leave table cry purge

and now I'm doing my nails and they are a pretty pink

Will I ever have a normal day?

CJ

ready, set, rant!

I hate PT lately. So much.

If I want to ask people how long they wait after they eat until they purge for curiosity purposes, I should not be scared that I will be labelled as 'looking for tips'

note: I haven't done this or never have, but what if I wanted to?

Jesus, stop censoring shit. Most of theses girls on it are all fat girls looking to get into the 'normal' weight range anyway. and 'omg you're perfect the way you are' posts. No, clearly you are not perfect the way you are. You are fat. You are ugly. The world would be a more beautiful place if you got off your fat ass, signed off PT and went to the fucking gym and got rid of your muffin tops.

I'm sorry if anybody is offended by this post, but holy eff balls, it's the internet, you are anonymous on here, tell the truth for a fucking change people. Stop pretending to think they are perfect the way they are or what ever other bullshit you are typing on the fucking computer.

ok I'm done being a monster bitch now. (but at least I had the fucking balls to be real)

CJ